by Rev. Ivan Stang
My Manager JESUS said I PISSED OFF THE TAVERN OWNERS at the last two devivals we did... just by refering to them as DRUG DEALERS.
EVERYTHING COMES APART... ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. But that's cool... we'll just pick up the pieces and make something new out of it!
Nothing can stop the SubGenius once it gets a taste of Slack, once he is in the THROES of X-DAY-STACY!!
If NHGH takes the Slack away, we just make Slack out of something else! If life gives you lemons and cyanide, make lemon kool aide and start a cult.
Well, if my baby don't love me no more, I know good and well that uh, her SISTER WILL!
Usually in these Devivals I try to have mercy on the Unsaved... to save more souls. But it's only 245 days to X-Day
FUCK the UNSAVED -- I'M PREACHING TO THE CHOIR!! The for-real SubGenii!
FUCK THE NORMALS and FUCK CRAZY WOMEN! There, I used the same verb two totally opposite ways in one sentence.
And FUCK the DRUNK HECKLERS! Look man, a miniature penis, or chronic impotence, is nothing to be ashamed of. You CAN GET HELP! But first, you have to admit you have a problem.
If you don't get help from the Church of the SubGenius, for god's sake, get help SOMEWHERE.
Hey -- do I pull the corporate ramrod out of your butt while you're working?
The men don't know, but the the little girls UNDERSTAND.
(DEMONSTRATE THE NEW SALUTE)
PRAISE "BOB"!!! (MOMENT OF NOISE!!) FUCK THE CONSPIRACY!!
THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE US AWAY, HA HA!!!
I wanna talk about MAY-JICKKKK and RELIGION and DUMB-FUCK SUPERSTITIONS.
I saw the $15,000 SCIENTOLOGY magazine.
"Somebody stole my bike, but I went and looked all over the neighborhood for it and I found it!"
That man learned KING "BOB" SOLOMON'S FIRST KEY to MAGICK:
GET OFF YOUR ASS.
If you want a girlfriend.... TALK TO A GIRL. If you want a new job -- TALK TO OTHER COMPANIES. If you want to machine gun a stadium --
GETTING OFF YOUR ASS. The first step.
The SECOND KEY: BUST YOUR ASS.
Key 3: GET OTHERS TO BUST THEIR ASS FOR YOU. This we might call ASSHOLINESS.
The Fourth KEY: WATCH Your Ass.
If you do all these, you won't have to worry about somebody trying to KICK YOUR ASS. (For a lesson in ass-kicking see Dr. Legume; for ass-kissing see me.)
NEEDLESS TO SAY, all these rules SHOULD be PLAIN COMMON SENSE and GO WITHOUT SAYING. But some people are DENSE, and that's what religions are for -- reminders.
ALMOST FORGOT!! The most important rule of all, related to WATCH your ass:
WASH your ass. Yes, WASH your ass. Should be #1.
Some of you boys feel you're gonna need MAGICK to GET LAID.
Well, Personal hygeine can go a LONG WAY.
That, and a SubGenius SHORDURMAR!!
Seriously -- COMMON SENSE.
Be Nice To People and People Will Be Nice to You. Except for the other assholes... just avoid them.
REPENT, QUIT YOUR JOB, SLACK OFF!!! SALVATION BEGINS AT HOME!! Stay home from your FUCKING JOB!
(PART THREE --
THE EARTH ANTHEM)
The great Sage, Ronald Reagan, once said to the Premiere of Russia, "You know, if aliens from outer space ever invaded, all our nations would forget their differences and band together." Of course, even as he was saying that he had made traitorous deals, trying to sell out the planet to those PUNKS, the GREYs...
The Greys are PIPSQUEAKS. Our alien allies are like GODS. Their spaceships do not crash, for they do not need spaceships anymore than "Bob" needs brains.
Soon we will be on ESCAPE VESSELLS... each with our own fleet of battle planets if that's what we want;
The Universe will open up to us. We will be able to have sex and sales with many different species, from many worlds and times.
SubGeniuses and even humans will be so few and far between that you won't care whether a person is black or white, male or female, human or SubGenius.... you'll be glad if they've got ONE HEAD!
"Wow! An EARTHER! Wow, I'm from the North American Continent too, do you know Fred Schwartz?"
And friends, to commemorate this great event coming up, X-Day, we have borrowed an ANTHEM -- stolen from the great guitar god, Frank Marino,
PLEASE STAND, FOR... THE EARTH ANTHEM. ((play tape Mahogany Rush #6 part3 ))
Now that we're leaving, we're getting sentimental...
We were hated while we stayed at home, by our Mother; for we would not clean our room;
But we are leaving the nest now, and, as we cavort with the Sex Goddesses and etc, we won't remember Earth's pollution, her HUMANS, her JOBS and MOSQUITOS....
No, we'll recall the OCEANS, the FORESTS, the proud cities, the fast food restaurants and comic books and monster movies.
But YOU must make sure that lazy humanity, left behind in the rubble, DOES NOT TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT, and SELL OUT to the GREYS with NO RESISTANCE like they are doing now...
JUST SAY NO TO THE ALIEN THREAT!!
Yes, we are leaving our mother, and someone must stay to protect her. YOU, our little brothers and sisters, who did NOT spend your $30, must stay behind to become the NEW STEWARDS and STEWARDESSES over Spaceship Earth, or rather Earth Farm One, or what's left of it...
When we commandeer our Escape Vessels, we promise not to trash our mother, but only the Pink Parasites who suck at her withered teat.
The EARTH SPIRIT, who drove us to create ever greater weapons, which we once turned upon each other, NOW, to be turned against the ALIEN THREAT -- against ALL OTHER PLANETS, EXCEPT ours, until ONLY MOTHER EARTH REMAINS!!
We declare WAR AGAINST THE PLANETS!! THE UNIVERSE!!! GOD!!!
EARTH FIRST!!! ((Earth Anthem MUSIC ends, guitar-war end starts)
In the NAME of Earth and J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, I hereby declare ALL OTHER PLANETS to be named NEW EARTH, and declare them OURS TO USE AS WE SEE FIT!
And if they resist us, in the name of "Bob" and Earth we shall CRUSH the Martians!
The VENUSIANS! JOVIANS! The Skrieee-ALACK of Saturn's MOONS! The Uranus-Bugs!
THE SUN!!! We will HARNESS, MASTER and ENSLAVE the VERY SUN!!! You will thank "Bob" for LIGHT!!
The 25 hr day!
Then -- ON to Pluto -- ALpha Centauri -- Tau Ceti and BEYOND!
IF WE CANNOT CONQUOR A PLANET -- WE WILL DESTROY IT.
If "BOB" Cannot have IT ALL, then NO ONE may have ANY OF IT!
ALL WORLDS OR NONE!!!
Praise "Bob" and good night.
STANG to Jesus:
There must be some kind of way out of here. There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief. Businessmen they drink my wine... plowmen dig my earth. Not one of them along the line knows what any of it is worth.
JESUS to Stang:
No reason to get excited. There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke. But you and I, we've been through that; and this is not our fate. So let us stop talking falsely now... the hour is getting late.
Original file name: EARTH FIRST.txt
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