Ivan Stang Report 10-23-99


My move from Dallas to Cleveland is complete. MY EMAIL ADDRESS HAS CHANGED.

Here is the only and final email address for me:


You may have already been using that address for me, in which case you don't need to change anything. However, you may have been using one of these:


DELETE THOSE. From now on it is ONLY stang@subgenius.com.

My new physical address is

Ivan Stang
PO Box 19355
Cleveland, OH 44119-0355

My new phone/fax number is:

If you have to Fed-Ex or U.P.S. a package to me, phone me for the street address.

THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION mail order is still operated out of Dallas by Steve "J.C." Bevilacqua at PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214, as always, and His phone number is still 972-494-3655 or 888-669-2323. His office takes the orders; my office produces the audio, video and CD-R products. He handles our print products (like THE STARK FIST) and licensing, I do the website and the performance oriented biz. But either one of us will take money from anybody.


For the last several weeks, the process of moving the Church of the SubGenius archives and all my worldly goods from Dallas to Cleveland occupied most of my time, and I've been even more out of touch than usual with my friends and business. I hereby order everyone to forgive me. Even more distracting was having to uproot and redirect my heart during the last 6 months -- getting divorced and all. I'm sure that almost everyone who gets this form letter will gladly either accept my apologies, or kill me.

But I finally feel like it's OVER! What a relief. I am "settling in", developing a nice new boring safe daily routine. I know where all my possessions are. I know where are located the nearest copier, print shop, Radio Shack, hardware store, and bulk office supply/electronics wholesalers, and the shortest routes there. I got a haircut (just the top and sides, like last year) and gained weight and still haven't touched cigarets after 3 years. My grown kids are both in college and doing just fine. I have a beautiful new girlfriend (and old friendgirl), Princess Wei "R." Doe, Queen of ALL the UFOs. EVERYTHING IS OKAY AGAIN!

Everything except ALL MY JOINTS. Every single moving part of me aches slightly right now. It's from all the sorting, packing, hauling, unpacking, resorting, renesting and re-overhauling. Dealing with the 300 boxes of Church history, swag n' crap was like a minor military operation. HIDING the BOOTY in limited space so as to make the Pleasure Palace pleasurable or even liveable called for fiendishly clever, but physically demanding, storage solutions... and we've only now finished up most of that operation, and that's why I HURT ALL OVER.

Ah, but the aches are now receeding into the tissue... ALL OVER!! It's ALL... OVER! The mess is cleaned up. The redirected aorta is unclenching. The videotapes are alphabetized. I can even put labels on the home-made CDs now.


I put a little photographic tour of the new place, the "Second First MegaFisTemple Lodge/Princess Wei's Pleasure Palace" on SubSITE at


(Or you can just go to http://www.subgenius.com, then to "Hot News" or "Updates", and there's a link to it from that page too.)

Any minute now, I'll blow the cobwebs and dust off of SubSITE... and the UNTHINKABLY COOL STUFF that has stacked up will be revealed. I'm muskin' and slobberin', just thinking of it. I also have to hurry up and fill the backed-up tape, video and CD orders, such as they are. And do the radio show... TODAY! And get the High-8 camera repaired so I can resume dubbing X and XX Day videos. I spent all day yesterday repairing our CD-R burner (donated by revdrjack!)... boy howdy, that scared the water out of me. I thought that the shamefully rough Arkansas highways had surely trashed this delicate machine during the move. I had methodically gone through EVERY possibly test and had almost given up hope, when I DUH thought to REALLY DOUBLE-CHECK how that SCSI PLUG was fitting where it went into the back of the internal CD-RW device. VOILA!! So a SCSI port CAN be "half-working." All this time, that machine had been somewhat misinstalled by yours truly.

AHHH, but, dumbass though I may have been in the first place, I was SUBGENIUS ENOUGH to track the problem down myself and NOT have to resort to REPAIR-PINKS. AH!!! HA HA!!! FOILED them again. By means of ROCK AND STICK. By ATTACKING THE PROBLEM like a MAN. A MECHANICAL MAN. A tool using primate. Rock, stick, pliars, paperclips, it makes no difference. This computer, my beloved old Muleskinner itslef, is nought but a glorified rock with sticks attached to it JUST SO. Might as well be a HAMMER. Doesn't matter; for ALL TOOLS are GOOD! GOOD for MEN! And I am happy because ALL MY TOOLS (except for the camera) are now in FINE WORKING ORDER!

I have my MANHOOD BACK!! HA HA! The Conspiracy has again duped itself, and foolishly let me slide through the cracks to LIVE AGAIN for YET ANOTHER YEAR OF BEDEVILLING THEM BACK! HA HA! The blind fools. I can hear them now. "Stang ESCAPED! Just when we thought we had him cornered, he SLIPPED THE NOOSE! That lucky bastard. Dobbs, Drummond and that Jones woman must have doublecrossed us after all, gentlemen." HA! Idiots. Mere villagers, with their silly torches and superstitions. Following their cartoonish Burghermeister up the hill towards my new castle. Well, they'll soon see that they've bitten off a bit more than they bargained, for, yes. Earth-rodents. Mammals. PINKS! Stinky humans. PFEH! I symbolically spit on them. I metaphorically drop my spoor in their path, turn my back on them and kick sand back over the stool AND them, to show them what I think of them. P-FAW! Milling, herding lemmings. Tripping over themselves to be first to the slughterhouse. Come, Pinky Pinky. See the nice cheese, right this way, stick your neck through here and open your mouth and say "AH..." Now BITE! SNAP! HA HA!!! They'll diarrheanate themselves with fear when they see the REAL XXXists this XXX-DAY!! Oh, they PRAY that their pathetic silly little world will end at New Year's with this idiotic Y2K hoax, but LET HE WHO HAS WISDOM KNOW, it is July 5th 2000 that their already blinkered vision will finally be SHUT OFF and we'll take the Light with us as we rise into space, leaving the Unsaved groping in the utter darkness of an Earth with NO SUN.


Now, what was I saying?

Did you know that P.T. Barnum's birthday was July 5? I just learned that. Jesus and I also stumbled upon this disturbing mathematical "HINT":

8000 divided by 12 is 666.6666666666

In other news:


Wow, I guess the best laid plan of that one dysfunctional "Discordian" backfired brutally in his or her face. He had his robot out-voting our robot, and it looked like his (or her) man Geraldo Rivera would win Fraud of the Century, but then Geraldo's office called us wanting to "do a thing" with us... and then the people running the Time poll removed all the robot-generated votes and, why, lo and behold, the only one voting against "Bob" had been the dysfunctional Discordian's robot all along! Geraldo and his Discordian supporter had been "screwing Julia Winterhawk*" the whole time. (* "Screwing Julia Winterhawk" = alt.slack jargon for "jacking off" or "signifying.")

I just heard that, as we expected, TIME disqualified "Bob," even though he had twice the non-robot votes of anybody and won, hands down -- they ARE the Conspiracy, after all. But at least we can all go to our Escape Vessels knowing that this poor full-time "SubGenius Debunker" has been publicly humiliated.

"SubGenius Debunker." Isn't that an oxymoron? It's like devoting your life to convincing the world that Mad Magazine or Saturday Night Live don't report the news accurately.

(Did anybody ever figure out what that guy's beef with us is? Did some SubGenius girl spurn him (or her)? Was he raised by crazy SubGenius parents who made him memorize the PreScriptures? Or is it simply that he's a dumbass?)

X-DAY 98 VIDEO showing at the ATA Gallery in San Francisco, Dec. 4
-- 992 Valencia, SF CA (www.othercinema.com). Part of Craig Baldwin's weekly film-vid shows.

EXCERPTS from our X-Day 98 video will be shown, along with "The Late Great Planet Earth", and some Unarius, Heaven's Gate, and other end of the world cults. Name of the program: "Millenium Shmillenium".


New photos of Nickie's ass can be seen at: http://www.metronet.com/~nickie/notsecret.html


Happy Birthday to ConBo Christ! The Child-Man of Jesus and Magdalen is 4 Earth-years old this week! HAIL GOD JUNIOR, JUNIOR!


Wei and I caught a live performance of MY LIFE WITH THE THRILL KILL KULT last night. Great sleaze-meistership! Why is it that my favorite bands so often started out not as bands at all, but as short film ideas, for short films that never got made? (I.e. DEVO, GWAR, The Swingin' Love Corpses, etc.). I guess it always turns out that the movie is too much work and too expensive, but the fake band is FUN!



Il Stankisimo

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Original file name: 10-23-99 move letter

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