by Rev. Ivan Stang 928 words
I know that blasphemy is BAD and we shouldn't do it, that we'll be punished for it. Sure. That's a given. And that's exactly what's so dang hell-fire fun about it. However, there is one mitigating circumstance in which blasphemy is cool with God. If it's FUNNY enough, if God Itself gets a kick out of it, you're off the hook.
On that score, I doubt that Robert Carr is too worried about Hell. As God has (hopefully) duly noted, Carr's deliciously hateful attitude isn't directed at Old Nobodaddy per se, but His various fan clubs, especially the ones who live around Carr in Boise, Idaho. And WHOOO-BOY! Are those fan clubs gonna be pissed if they EVER get a clue as to what this guy's been doing!
For many years now, paranoid antisocial AntiChrist programmer Carr has been forging and distributing hilarious blasphemy games for free, through BBSs and by mailed disks, and now by Web. For free, mind you! For Carr "seeks to profit from the destruction of civilization as we know it," as it says in his FUQ.
Under the umbrella of Lamprey Systems ("Software That Sucks"), heretic Carr has produced a couple of dozen bizarre, unrepentently sick underground faves. "Sick" is easy... but these are sick and clever. Well, maybe the shoot-em-ups aren't exactly "clever", but at least they're vicious.
You can download all of this horror from http://users.aol.com/lampreysys/index.html
MacJesus ProGold allows you to log on to an aetheric hotline, and have a conversation with the Man Himself -- although he seems rather cynical and disinterested, occasionally sniffing and complaining that he's bored. But the sumbitch does indeed keep up His end of the conversation, albeit smart-alecky, and you can save the resulting text file with which to baffle friends. When you pray, you actually get results. You might as well be IRCing to a real person. Carr/Jesus knows what makes you insecure, and the responses he's written (to key words that you might use in your queries) are all too on-the-mark. Jesus is not very forgiving in this incarnation; He's a belligerent bastard I have gotten into fights with this Jesus -- nearly violent flame wars. If you get too angry at Him you can call up Miracles, Quotations, Prophecy that sounds like Weekly World News headlines, or Salvation. The Salvation thing is usually a cruel let-down.
In Operation Rescue, a fetus after fetus is untimely booted from the womb and onto your screen, and only your coat-hanger cursor can bounce the poor little fellow around, pathetically squeaking and pleading, steering him into a trashcan rather than the gaping jaws of Satan -- who scampers back and forth at the bottom of the screen ready to bloodily gobble the innocent soul. "Operation Rescue also teaches the importance of recycling. To you a fetus might be an unviable tissue mass or a potential human life, but down at Newt 'N' Ralph's Abortion Depot it's all protein."
Rupture the Rapture features a heavy-metal-tinged, subliminal-chocked interface with action that makes you feel like you're throwing Christians to the lions. A scowling Jehovah casts lightning bolts and spiked crosses at you while you strive to shoot down Christian and Mormon souls as they ascend towards Heaven. When you hit them, they change to devils and plummet to Hell. A real angel-stomper of an action game.
Pretty Good Porno 3 "...produces Penthouse Forum-type letters ranging in content from the merely obscene to the patently absurd. Users select from any of the nine storylines, supplying names, sex acts and other incriminating information to produce professional quality erotica. PGP 3 represents a major breakthrough in DTP (Desk Top Pornography)."
F*CK 'EM Lite Demo is like a porno PacMan for "...maneuvering your manhood through an erotic maze while scoring points for having sex with with an assortment of unlikely partners such as sheep, latex love dolls and knotholes. In addition the player must evade ex-wives, bill collectors, illegitimate children and the AIDS virus. Extra points are awarded for substance abuse and aborting babies with clothes hangers." Winners are rewarded with hard-X graphics.
In Straight to Hell, you get to "...bitchslap Jesus H. Christ, Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Pope John Paul 2.0, Mother Teresa, Bill Gates, Pat Robertson, J.R. 'Bob' Dobbs, Rush Limbaugh or Robert Carr through the Nine Circles of Hell to the Eternal Torment they so richly deserve. Fear no god or master as you send your victim screaming down the Portal Potty into the nether regions of Hades. Your penile dimensions will triple when you make them squeal like a pig with the Cursor of Torture!" Mine certainly did. I just wish the game lasted longer.
And now for the bad news: the Lamprey games ("Bad Software For Bad People") are MAC ONLY. As it says in his FUQs, "Yeah, and in the 15th century everybody had lice. Get a clue, WinPig." For lo, "IT IS BETTER TO RULE IN APPLE THAN TO SERVE IN MICROSOFT."
However, the website itself is a real treat, with fearsomely extravagant V-chip content warnings and info about the karmic repercussions of viewing the site for Muslims, Mormons, Chinese, etc... plus links to the other major websites that deliberately wallow in bad taste, like The Jesee Helms Homo Love Page.
Plus you get the Second Coming's fall catalog.
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