by Rev. Ivan Stang, The Church of the SubGenius

The One Hundredth Monkey theory lies at the very core of many popular New Age philosophies. Years ago, scientists observing the behavior of monkeys on a remote island noticed that one female, unlike all the others, had begun washing her food before eating it. Soon not only were her offspring washing theirs, but all her fellow monkeys adopted the admirable habit. So far, simple "monkey see, monkey do."


Far more than mere proof of monkey telepathy, this suggested that, just as the Cleanliness Vibe of an isolated monkey tribe may influence other monkeys at a distance, surely the Love Consciousness of the more advanced humans will snowball -- and as more and more become enlightened, a critical mass will be reached. ALL humanity will come together into the New Age, whichever version of it has the most adherents.

Admittedly, monkeys are not Men. Chimpanzees, however, ARE. Regular chimpanzee behavior is like a hideous cartoon of human society, perhaps even more brutal and cruel. But there are two chimpanzee species. The smaller, lesser known Bonobo or pygmy chimpanzee leads what we might call a Utopian existence. Rather than the biggest, meanest male ruling through intimidation, Bonobos settle all conflicts by fornicating. Indeed, they fornicate all day long, conflicts or not, married or not, incestuously or not. Instead of an endless battle, life for the Bonobo is an endless orgy.

Needless to say, as with our primate cousins, most humans are "normals," with only a minority being might be called true "Bonobos." Sadly, we Bonobo types must hide our proclivities away, lest our more warlike brothers slay us all, or at best force us to skulk with our various Yeti mates in sleazy motels.

But, taken together, these seemingly unrelated zoological facts hold profound implications for the human future. Let us posit THE 100th BONOBO.

What if the number of human (and chimp) SEX FIENDS finally reached critical mass, and a mighty Bonobo Consciousness Fuck Vibe spread like wildfire across the Earth, prompting all assholes and shit-heads to see the error of their instincts, spontaneously lay down their brass knucks and briefcases, and make love, not war... that all humanity might achieve WORLDWIDE SEX PARADISE?!? WHY NOT??

There are three problems. Firstly, the popular 100th Monkey theory is based on a hoax.

Secondly, even were it valid, it would merely raise the dark question of The 100th Hitler, the 100th Dahmer, etc. We've already seen The 100th Limbaugh.

Thirdly, the Bonobos are almost extinct.

Sorry to let you down. See you at the sleazy motel, along with the rest of the preachers.

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