HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL 1-26-96, before leaving on Slack Crusades

Ha ha ha, all day long, ho ho ho, all night long.

Ha ha ha, all day long, ho ho ho, all night long.

Ha ha ha, all day long, ho ho ho, all night long.

That's a mantra for coping with incessant, unbroken toil and hardship (taught to me by one-time renegade filmmaker L. M. "Kit" Carson about 20 years ago). I sometimes use it.

By having half the equipment break down and by not paying much attention to email, we got a lot done here despite everything being completely broken.



I felt so fulfilled yesterday upon tuning in the Ultraplex site (http://www.upx.net/subgenradio/subgen.htm) and ACTUALLY HEARING the X-rated Net-only Special Unclean Hour of Slack #1x spewing out of my computer speakers. I could hear my own egomaniacal voice saying through that crackly low res TrueSpeech, "FUCK 'em if they can't take a joke! It feels so good to say that on the radio. I'm gonna savor that. I'll say it again. "FUCK 'em if they can't take a joke." Then I heard the entire Dukie and Walter rude campfire buttfuck skit mystery tape, and Drs. 4 "Bob" doing "FUCK 'ER ONE MORE TIME." That was a watershed moment for me. I felt like we'd really accomplished something. I stood there listening, thinking, "Five years ago, could I have dreamed that we would be not only broadcasting this UNREPENTANT FUNNY AS HELL FILTH, but that it would be hearable ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, ON COMMAND?" Given that the listener must be rich enough to have a modern day computer and decent Internet connection. But still. And given that not anybody anywhere in the world necessarily WANTS to hear this stuff or is ever gonna hear ABOUT it. But still. AND given that there's still a bug, the last 10 minutes didn't download and got clipped off, including the David Allan Coe song and the credits on Side One. But STILL. To hear Sterno crooning for all the world to hear, "I read the Commandments and obeyed all nine, she's built like a mountain and worth the climb, my soul is yours if her pussy is mine, I wanna fuck 'er one more time..." to that lilting gospel tune... why it just warmed my heart, which warming I didn't really need 'cause I was running a fever at the time.

I guess it's time to produce another FILTH show. In fact I better produce about 5 more REGULAR shows or else pick some reruns, because I have to leave for the Slack Crusade in a week. I have a feeling it's gonna be reruns. I don't feel too bad about that, with 500 shows to choose from, most of them never heard by anyone living today. But there's a lot to do... isn't there some bored, rich, highly industrious, incredibly sharp, NON-OBNOXIOUS SubGenius Dallas housewife out there who wants to be my personal secretary all week long for no pay?

I did manage to get two new shows out, "on time."

HOUR OF SLACK #513 -- Stang "New Rant" and KPFA Trip Show:

New "cult" collage intro


KPFA Subshow with Sterno as guest... great Hal & Sterno Dokstok promises.

Stang on Slack Crusade Devival Tour dates... plus "NEW RANT." (See NOTE below)

More SURFACE NOISE (this is a semi-Negativland-like band)

ESO Radio clips: Lonesome Cowboy Dave and Chas discuss the Alien Smegma Pie as father and son in an improv "skit"

SIDE TWO: all from a Puzzling Evidence KPFA broadcast done right after his cross-country trip visiting old SubDoks, 9-1-95, with tapes collected from/with them. Includes:

Negativland OTE piece, unreleased

G.GORDON GORDON tape, "Communication from The Other Side (with "Scratching")" -- (hey GGG, who's the guy on the right channel? That's a COOL TAPE by the way! How come I never got a copy??!?!?)

Philo sputters and spews

Stang & Wellman read the graffitti on the fence on the Grassy Knoll at Dealy Plaza

Janor Hypercleats: ad for movie "THE THING WITH NO FACE" w/ Welmanization

((NOTE: A couple of months ago Sister Tarla got fed up with my endless detailed descriptions of website engineering problems and actually PAID ME TEN BUCKS to "RANT" on religious subjects again like in the old days, as if website engineering problems around here WEREN'T a religious subject... but I know what she means. Well, I haven't been feeling all that "FUNNY" lately. In fact a lot of the time I've felt like PURE GRADE D REHEATED SHIT, shrivelled up like a SPIDER on a HOT STOVE. However, suddenly at the end of every day of total utter depression and horror, I would always come up with ONE REALLY GOOD SUBGENIUS PITHY QUOTE TYPE LINE. A line which at the time was all too biterrly and literally true, but which I KNEW EVEN THEN was nevertheless a GOOD LINE. (If you wonder what I was so depressed about, it was because I lost my teddy bear. Momma found it though.) And I never forgot Tarla's $10, so each day I would write that little cathartic line down. Finally, with the thought of that long-since-spent $10 to motivate me, I compiled all those one-liners forged in pain into ONE MODERATE LENGTH NEW RANT, which I think I'll incorporate into the compressed "SUBGENIUS 101" rant-with-video that I canned for the GWAR shows and never got to use, so on this Slack Crusade Tour I'll have a nice mix of classic old and brand new rant-shit. I tried the sermon out on this HOUR OF SLACK, and it's fine being SPOKEN, but as text it reads kinda disconnected still. ... well, after I rewrite it I'll post it here and then I'll have the Tarla Guilt off my back. I guess I better do that AND MEMORIZE IT FAST.

But here's my favorite line from it:

You can be ALONE... with "Bob."

In my opinion that one sentence is well worth the $10. Whether it's worth what PROMPTED it... I dunno....

Hour of SLack #514, "NY SLAKFUX DEVIVAL" Part One

G.GORDON GORDON "DOBBS MUSEUM TOUR" MONOLOG INTRO "Here's Dobbs on his big white harse..."

Stang reviews BRIO Christian teen girl magazine (High Weirdness Any Way You Can Get It Series, #1). With smarmy Christian background music supplied by Nenslo.

NEW YORK SLAKFUX DEVIVAL TAPES PART 1 (taken with very little editting from Bill T. Miller's tape)

Kid Ginsu, BTM open
Pope David N. Meyer rant
Kings of Feedback: "B.O.B.," "Bob Is a Sex God," etc.

G.Gordon Gordon "Dobbs Museum Tour" continued

KPFA clips 9-23-95 -- Puzzling Evidence & Dr. Howll

Brain Rot Radio (ESO Radio) -- "THE BOB & CONNIE SHOW" sitcom skit (Lonesome, Stang, Wei, Psycho, Chas)

NY Devival cont.: Kings of Feedback, "Used Slack 4 Sale"


Father Joe Mama: "THE HISTORY OF LIES" rant


And it would be a lot more brimming if my hard drive, monitor, CD Rom player and immune system hadn't crashed one after another during the last 2 or 3 weeks.

or "Online Catalog" has been TOTALLY REVAMPED and ILLUSTRATED by Rev. Noah Stewart the Stalwart, who also recreated Pamphlet #1 PERFECTLY in html (/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet.html). It is now like the print CATALOG instead of the PRICE LIST OF THE GODS. This was LONG OVERDUE and Rev. Stewart deserves FREE BLOW JOBS from every last one of you ingrates OF HIS CHOICE!! After you BUY STUFF FROM IT, of course. First things first.

This is a whole vast new section, accessed off the home page as well as the Stark Fist interior contents page. It starts with:
and leads to all those oldies I listed here last week... half of the anthology THREE FISTED TALES OF "BOB," the first two and 19th chapters of THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS, all the best rants from the last 2 Stark Fist print issues, all our main pamphlets and flyers, THE BRAG, PRESCRIPTURES, etc. etc.

Some of the "classics" pages have been prettied up enough for now and even given brand new illustrations (mostly from the a.b.s. regulars). But all the Classic Tales and Classic Rants documents -- they're all still VERY PLAIN LOOKING. It would be "easy" (heh heh) for some industrious volunteer to download the source code and fancy them up a few at a time... at the very least to give 'em a white background, make the titles bigger or put table borders on 'em, and maybe reproduce my little flashing 'back to" buttons at the bottom (you can use the index htmls as templates). There are about 50 of these documents and somehow I don't see myself having time for that cut-and-paste job any time soon. In fact I'd be DAMNED SHOCKED if ANYBODY had the time. But HAYELL, you email it to me, I'll upload it.


The WEBSITES OF THE GODS finally got revised, and almost doubled in size. It's so big now that I should probably split it up into 5 different documents.


There should be enough new ones there to keep anybody busy for a while. I wish I had time to look at some of 'em more closely. There would be a lot more listed, but a couple of weeks of email and even some weblists-in-progress weren't backed up before my drive crash, and I lost what were probably some excellent pointers. If you told me about a website and don't see it listed on mine now, REMIND ME AGAIN.

My backing-up habits have undergone quite a transformation lately, as you might guess. Backing up can be a joyous new form of compulsive anality and amphetaminoid >pundingi<.


I THINK that none of the art that was sent me was lost, and thus there are some fine new graphic pieces in the "ART MINES" gallery:
Note that there are so many "Dobbsheads found in NASA photos" that they have their own section now.

I posted some weird little video morph experiments to a.b.s. awhile back, and those are now up on Subsite for FTPin' from:

These are little silent .mov files that'll play on any QuickTime type of player. They're WAY WAY smaller than the other SubG videos, 250k max, so the download time is bearable.

We're gonna try to make video clips playable in real time via the VDO process on the Ultraplex SG website... wish Rev. Kai Cherry luck on that job.

http://www.subgenius.com/bigfist/eyes/portraits.html has a few new photos of alt.slack regulars on it, including the few that were sent to Dynasoar plus a PHOTO-REALISTIC NENSLO SELF PORTRAIT and a most revealing Clavister.

NOTE: I need small gifs of UGLY MONSTER FACES to use as Interim Portraits for Famous SubGenius Doktors that I don't have scans of yet, such as G Gordon Gordon, Sterno, etc.


I finally uploaded the rest of the Carleton collection of digitized versions of our old Media Barrage and Hour of Slack clips... minus about 8 that I lost in the crash. There are also a lot more weird-audio websites linked in, down at the very bottom of the LOOONG page.

I had a hell of a time restoring my own copy of SubSITE on my computer after my drive died. My back-up was from a month earlier and things had been changed, so I had to download the newer things from SubSITE -- which was my "safety copy" of things that HAD been added to the website.

But the stuff that I hadn't yet added to SubSITE NOR backed up -- well... I have gradually reconstructed a list of things I KNOW I LOST. In some cases, I don't know WHICH of TWO OR THREE POSSIBLE SUBGENIUSES sent them to me. So I am posting the whole list here in hopes that I'll somehow regain copies of these pieces via the shotgun effect.

The lost "HAVE YOU SEEN ME?" items:

The short porno mpeg video titled "FRESHAIR" (showing an ever-dilating anus ready for fun on a female butt. (Onan? Did you send that? -- I think this was sent anonymously.)

The very short Quicktime video "BLURBOB" (I'm pretty sure that was Rev. Noah Stewart)

The entire "QUANTUM" series of .wav files of KPFA clips (Zarchary Carleton) plus the .wav clip, "PLUGDIN.WAV"

Nenslo's "art essay" intro for his "Gallery".

The report on the Atlanta DragonCon by Obloquy

The WINSLACK read-me.

((What happened to SirWill1's Slack links on his website?? Is that kaput for good?))

And all of alt.slack and my unanswered email (or keen email saved for alt.slack) from Nov. - Dec.

Several folks have told me they have lots of alt.slack saved... in some cases, ALL of it (!!!) My problem is the EDITING TIME and SELECTION aspects. We need an "ALT.SLACK EDITOR" who does what I was doing back when I was doing it, selecting and text-editing alt.slack best-of for display in various categories in the website.

While reading the newsgroup, I'd come upon a particularly cool essay or whole rambling thread that I thought worth preserving, and (in Newswatcher) would save that post or series of posts into a special category file. I have this "folder" called "NEW FROM A.S." and inside it are the category folders, like:

Ask Bob.
Ear of Bob (audio in general)
False Bobs
OM-Nonsub (Other Mutants)
Revelation X
Sightings-SUBG on my TV

You'll notice that these categories all appear on SubSITE STARK FIST.

A nifty thing about Newswatcher is that it will "APPEND" a new file to an existing file. If I saved earlier parts of Thread X, and new ones come along that I want to tack on to it, that APPEND feature is ALL-HANDY.

To make these things FIST-or-Web-ready, there's an arduous task involved: CUTTING THE HEADERS is the worst part of it. One must place the TITLE (without the word Subject:!!) at the top, and then (after an all-important BLANK LINE) the author and date, and all the rest of the Internet gobbledegook has to be excised. And you have to rearrange posts that occur within a thread grossly out of chronological sequence. That can be a bitch. And there are various other considerations and menial tasks, like deleting reprints of previous posts when overdone, much of which can be done semi-automatically, but still requires REMEMBERING TO DO IT.

The SubGenius who can take on THAT FULL MEASURE of the "Alt.Slack Editor" job... the SubGenius who emails me category folders full of text files that are ready to be dropped SIGHT UNSEEN into the converter program Text-to-HTML... that SubGenius shall sit at the right hand of Dobbs aboard Escape Vessel Flagship One!

The tricky part is that you have to, GODLIKE, decide what's "good" enough to keep, what's "bad" enough to ditch, and what category it goes in. And I have to TRUST you.

I tried, but I CANNOT KEEP UP with the proper saving of alt.slack. SAVING, sure, that's easy. PROPER saving, DISCRIMINATORY saving, and hard-core editing... that's a demanding part time job.

Let's see... what else... I've been getting email from people asking if I'm dead. I would be, if I answered all the email IN KIND. What can I say, every single component involved broke down, one after another, from the fleet of limos to the Church jet.

Did you ever have your 6 month old monitor suddenly go out on you, for reasons that had far more to do with the laziness of the technician who assembled the power supply part than with anything you did, and since it's warrantied they send you a brand new replacement monitor? I hate it when that happens, because everything looks different now. It looks too BRIGHT... not BROWN enough. The new screen lacks the thick friendly coating of 'Frop exhaust that my old screen sported. Philo can tell you, I have the brownest monitor screens YOU EVER SEEN.

About the same time as the monitor went out, this THING started growing on my face. Why I always start to get disfigured just before a preaching tour, I dunno. That's Dobbs for you. It was a "LUMP" on my cheek right under my eye. It grew FAST, and MEAN. By Thursday I wanted to wear a mask (I mean, ANOTHER mask), and was frantically trying to round up a doctor, referal numbers for insurance, all that mess. If it'd been spinal meningitis, I'd be dead by now. Finally I got to a sawbones who cut my face open and showed me all the black stuff I had in there. He squeezed and scraped it all out and packed an exploding gauze-bomb into the rotten flesh pocket. To me this was HEAVEN compared to having THE LUMP. But he put me on antibiotics. I took one on Saturday and woke up feeling like NHGH's blind date. THE MEDICINE HAD MADE ME SICK. Today I sit here recuperating and preparing to tackle the email, assuming nothing terrible happens, SHIT THERE GOES THE

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