Jesus Arrives in Dallas

April 1, 1996

Dear alt.slack,

I have to type fast because the pills that Jesus gave me are about to kick in. I'm pretty sure they're melatonin plus something else, can't figure out the other stuff in it... yohimbine hydrochloride maybe? Judging from the effects...

Anyway, I picked Jesus up at the airport today. I took him with me on my rounds -- rounds that he will soon take over -- like the P.O., the banks, the photocopy place, the proctology supply company, Humane Restraints, etc. etc. I think he was a little disappointed that Dallas isn't a Western movie set with cactuses and tumbleweeds and horses. (In fact it looks more like the LOGAN'S RUN miniatures; and the exteriors WERE filmed in Dallas, incidentally.) But he enjoyed a quick Dealy Plaza drive-through... I love taking visitors on the motorcade route and suddenly going "BLAM! BLAM! BLAM-BLAM!" when reaching the EXACT SPOT.

I drove him through my old neighborhood, and he was glad he didn't have to live there. I drove him to the new Church neighborhood and he was happy to be living near here. The office girls found him a swank apartment (CHEAP!) right behind the Casa Linda shopping center. The apartment manager keeps wanting to see proof that Jesus makes thrice the rent each month, and I hope the letter I wrote verifying his employment will fly. Jesus is also a temp worker so the letter wasn't entirely untrue.

When we got to the new Church building we discovered blood all over the floor. One of the fierce guard dogs (as featured on my answer machine message), Beast, had cut his foot somehow and had tracked gore all over the carpet and the hardwood floors. Jesus spent his first half hour helping the Bombies swab blood off the decks. He performed some manner of small miracle that seems to have gotten rid of the stains. He's still developing his powers, but I have very high hopes that this Son of God will help turn our Church business around. His miracles are still small but I don't think it will take LARGE miracles to fix our mail order system or get better nightclub bookings. Getting some of the more ambitious projects off the ground may require more extensive supernatural intervention, but I have a good feeling about it. Downsizing will help... we just "let go" the entire lower level Bombie crews. We're gonna start with a clean slate. Fire 'em all, let "Bob" sort 'em out. Now it's just me, Will O'Dobbs and Jesus. And Jesus's credit card machine and sleazy small business acumen. And I guess Nickie will be here soon to work off her penance.

I have a lot of faith in Jesus. He has certainly done a lot for Dobbs already. For instance, hell, he kept me on the Gwar tour making TWICE what Oderus was getting for an ENTIRE WEEK!! And the Slack Crusades paid for a new Cray for the office. And, although I have been fighting serious computer problems for weeks now, ol' Muleskinner is suddenly working FINE now that the Lord is here. (It IS kind of weird that the minute he left Cleveland, the new P-Mac in the A.C.E./SubGenius branch office started glitching out.) So

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WELL SHIT. So much for THAT big idea. Just as I was typing those words last night, I heard the dreaded "CLUNK" and Muleskinner bottomed out again. Took 2 Norton run-throughs and another driver update to get it back. Jesus was no help at all. I've about decided I bought a MacLemon. The BRAIN of the machine is fine... the BODY ITSELF is not screwy. But the SOUL is corrupt... the very CPU. It hiccups or something. Fighting these glitches has been JUST A TINY BIT TIME CONSUMING, folks. I can demand a replacement but I have to be VERY SURE it isn't software probs.

Omens indicate an auspicious beginning nonetheless. It has been a swamp of synchronicity around here the last few days. Two completely unrelated Kitten Natividad synchronicities, two involving Spam, two involving orthodontist torture of women's mouths for big money. These sorts of events generally indicate good fortune around the corner -- or else NHGH, but there ain't a DAMN THING anybody can do about NHGH.

Jesus is out in the limo, cruising up and down Garland Road looking for a used car. I just showed him where all the thrift stores are. He came to Dallas with nothing but his PC and his trenchcoat, which he doesn't need because it's 80 degrees here already. Hopefully they'll let the Lord into his own manger tonight, too. Even the Son of God has to undergo credit checks.

Will's probably gonna SHIT when he sees his area of the factory... the Christ took one look at it, made a few mystic hand passes, and now it looks VERY different. Little robots ripping open envelopes and automatically depositing the checks. By next week we should be able to take credit cards and also run checks on checks, so we won't have to wait 3 weeks for them to bounce or not before sending out the goods. And Jesus hooked his PC into some strange Conspiracy system whereby he was able to order new books from S&S and a lot of new CRUX product in about 2 seconds, without even talking to a single human.

Soon we should be able to give John Zero some FIST to pound together. And soon, it appears, SubSITE will be moving from SUNsite to a way-faster server with a T-3 or some such thing.

And SubSITE was actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Between crashes and repairs I have managed to update quite a few sections. There are a few hundred saved alt.slack articles and rants that have yet to be editted and linked in, but all the up-front splashy stuff has been drastically upgraded. People with slow modems will REALLY hate me now, as will all enemies of Rev. Nickie, Sterno, Gordon, Will, Jesus and me. There are a few subtle responses to our hard-working CRITICS here and there. Nothing TOO OVERT, heh heh heh.

But here are the new sections that have been renovated:

To begin with, several of the index pages are crawling with GIFmovies now. (And there are more to come, as well as devilish sound effects.)

The UPCOMING DEVIVALS page leads to X-DAY DRILL info, Starwood devival info, and...

THE SLACK CRUSADE TOUR REPORT, of which only the first third is done (the skeleton of the rest is visible though)... but it's a KEEN first third if I do say so myself. HUNDREDS of pics...

The FUNHOUSE games-n-apps section now has shit for WINDOWS! WinSlack, various desktop dingleberries, more to come if you-all will UPLOAD it and EXPLAIN WHAT IT IS TO ME IN CLEAR CONCISE LANGUAGE. That seems to be the hard part for some of these SubGenius hackers. There are also BUTTOCK-LOADS of new Mac games and dingleberries, including Robert Carr's OPERATION RESCUE (keep the fetuses from landing in the trash can!) You can also play the "Bob" shoot-em-up in REAL TIME, no downloading, by Shockwave, via a link to John Zero's website. Indeed there are links to several interactive Dobbsian Java-routines. We'd have more of those right there at Sunsite, but they're slow to implement this new stuff. We should be on a whole new server soon, with a new address, anyway, spewing everything from faster ftp to live video.

I remember a year ago when some of you told me almost everything in my web plan was technically impossible. Most of it already exists right now, and the rest is only waiting on better equipment or a person in North Carolina to type a few lines.

What else...

WEBSITES OF THE GODS has doubled in size... on two pages now...

Everything in the EYES OF "BOB" graphics section has been inflated. The gallery or "Art Mines" now features about 20 new giganto-pieces including a special RREVVED pit. There's a little new stuff in the piddly little Photo Gallery (and those pictures are NOT mozaiced into pixels, incidentally, those Lego sculptures look that way in REAL LIFE.).

Oh yeah and the PORTRAITS GALLERY!!

That was a pretty half-assed section before. It's way bigger now and broken down into sections which will make some of you SPEW in exasperation. However, I honestly believe that the new Portraits section may get us more new Memberships than anything else on the website. What happened is, the SubGeniuses who AREN'T regulars on alt.slack (and a few who are) started sending in pictures. You'll be amazed at the variety of Yeti-manity.

VIDEOS! -- there's a SIMPLY MAHVELOUS 30-second narrated X-DAY animation by New Web God Rev. Noah Stewart, a cross-platform .mov. There's also a rather large mpeg of the news report on the Slack Crusade from Minneapolis local TV. Also, it links over to some of my larger GIFmovies that are displayed in such a way as to be QUITE THE TRIPPY EYE CANDIES INDEED! Those don't have to be downloaded, exactly, but you do need Netscape 2.0 (no special plug-ins req'd.) That's in VIDEO STASH #4.

I have not linked in the 25 new SOUND BITES in EARS OF "BOB," but I have replaced the old ones that, I was finally informed, were corrupted.

Next: the ARTICLES, rants, tales.

Oh yeah... did I mention that entire book, "THREE FISTED TALES OF "BOB", is now up and beutifully graphicized by Rev. Noah Stewart, in the CLASSICS section?

I honestly don't know what to tell you about the HOUR OF SLACK situation at Ultraplex... the TrueSpeech copies of the radio shows. They still haven't changed them or even put up side 2 of the X-rated special. I am getting little to no signal from them. Well, SubSITE and/or the new server will have RealAudio soon.

A glorified version of SubSITE may well become the first of the Church CD-ROMS.

And there will almost certainly be a CD available soon of the Madison, WI Slack Crusade Tour devival.

So we haven't exactly been sitting on our asses here. Actually that's all we HAVE been doing, technically... sitting here on our asses, technically bent, locked into the Zone of programming what has now turned into one gigantic web GAME.

I still have a glitch or two here and there to fix but what the hell, you'll manage. Most of what I've described above is easy to find either from the buttons right there on the first page, or from the IMPORTANT NEWS AND SHORTCUTS page (also a first-page button). I SAY it's easy to find. Some people have trouble. I have gotten letters saying things like, "How come there's nothing about Hour of Slack on the website?" and "How come you don't have links to other people's web pages?" DUH!!! DUH!!! Fuckin' DUH!!!

I did fall victim to one of my own booby-traps, you'll be glad to know. Was checking everything out at random after a Sunsite crash, it all looked fine, but suddenly I got a blank screen and FATAL SYSTEM ERROR -- ALL DATA ERASED. For half a second my heart stopped, until I remembered that I had placed that little April Fools type gag there myself. Ha ha, very fucking funny, Stang.

Is Metronet going deaf, or were there really only like 300 posts on alt.slack last week? It was a ghost town as seen from here.


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