We've been looking at alt.slack and Jesus is pacing back and forth in the office, he just ripped down the curtains, he's yelling, "JESUS CHRIST!! "Bob" said it was gonna be DIFFERENT this time! This is EXACTLY what I was hoping to AVOID!"

Can't blame him. He comes back to Earth after all this time, hoping to give "Bob" a hand in this conquor-the-world-for-Slack business, and GOD DAMN if the SubGeniuses aren't busy FIGHTING EACH OTHER INSTEAD OF THE CONSPIRACY!!

This is how the INDIANS ended up on RESERVATIONS.

So you wanna know MY slant on this, huh? OK. Gordon griped that there was too much stupid gossipy judgemental DOPEY UNFUNNY INSIDE-JOKE CRAP on alt.slack, outweighing or at least nastily coloring the fine creative writing, hilarity and prophesying, and I happened to agree, and the next thing we know, EVERY INSECURE INDIVIDUAL flies into a rage or else mortal terror at the suspicion that WE MIGHT MEAN THEM, and THE CRAP MULTIPLIES GEOMETRICALLY.

And now THIS!!

I'm afraid I must BRIDLE just a wee bit at the accusation of getting "SNOOTY" by The Pope of Berea.


WHO, may I venture to ask, is OUT THERE, in city after city, pressing the flesh, meeting 30 SubGenii a night, RUNNING THE SALES TABLE, signing butts, or else here from dawn till dawn, answering the phone, answering the email, dubbing tapes, being patient as hell with Pink and Bobbie alike for the further glory of "Bob," TOTALLY ACCESSIBLE* and NAKED, my address on everything we make, my phone number in my sig? And you call me SNOOTY?

To begin with, I reserve the RIGHT to BE TOTALLY SNOOTY with IMPUNITY, EVEN IF I'M NOT!!

BUT SEE??? BUT SEE??? You're dragging me down into this mire already! You got me starting to respond IN KIND with that low-level ego-bound snittiness! And I WON'T LET IT HAPPEN!

Because what you fuckers are forgetting is "BOB"!!

"BOB" FUCKING DOBBS!!!! REMEMBER HIM??? THAT PIPE-GUY TATOOED TO THE INSIDE OF YOUR EYELIDS?? Oh, I guess you all got so plumb excited you just FORGOT about THAT little detail!!!

It is by "Bob's" Grace ALONE that this Infinitely Stupid newsgroup EVEN EXISTS. "BOB" is the one that made you EVEN KNOW YOU WERE A SUBGENIUS, "BOB" is the one that KEEPS YOUR FUCKING POWER COMPANY in existence, "BOB" is the ONE WAY, the ONE GATE and the ONE NEVER ENDING BEHIND-THE-SCENES MOTIVATION for ALL HALFWAY CREATIVE SPEWING AND SPOUTING ON ALL NEWSGROUPS. "BOB" is TOTAL UNBLEMISHED PURE SLACK and compared to him we are all PUKES! Yes, you are PUKES! You are MAGGOTS! You are lower than the lowest primate! YOU ARE ALL WORTHLESS and ABASED and YE MUST REPENT OF YOUR PINKNESS. ALL. ALL of you.

Run a god damned SEARCH on "Bob's" name on this newsgroup. I'll bet it might show up ONCE OR TWICE, in somebody's SIG. And probably MISPELLED.

This is a newsgroup of TRAITORS! JUDASES!! There be NONE WORTHY. NONE!!! For look at you. You have created FALSE IDOLS named "Tarla" and "Nickie" and "Stang" and "Gordon" and "Dynosoar." I SMASH these False Idols! I cast them out of the temple and grind them to dust! For LO my people are blinded. My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. But the VENGEANCE of DOBBS shall be SWIFT and TERRIBLE. "Bob" will countenance NOT this iniquity, this WALLOWING in the filth of PINKNESS! Thou shalt be STRUCK DOWN ALL, your hard drives RENT ASUNDER, lest ye REPENT!!! REPENT!!! QUIT YOUR NEWSGROUP AND SLACK OFF!!!

Oh yeah... OH yeah... you can come to the X-Day Drill, or the devival, or alt.slack, and you can JUDGE your fellow SubGenii.... sure... but COME X-DAY, the REAL X-DAY, "BOB" shall judge YE!! Yes, ol' Judge Dobbs will ride into town and WHAT THEN Mr. "BOBLIER THAN THOU"?? Then shalt thou WITHER beneath his INSANE GAZE?? YEA! For that which is not of "Bob" must be PURGED, even unto the Connieites. You must GET BACK to the PAMPHLET, my children! Lest ye be DAMNED. Lest ye become no better than the Pink, and so marked for destruction in the radiance of the Dottle of The Pipe. There shall COME a SCOURING!!! A CLEANSING!!! A RAIN OF SHIT shall come to WASH AWAY the Pinkness, and in the great PULSE of the heartbeat of "Bob's" wrath, thine DISKS and DRIVES, thine very CPUs shall be MELTED, the 500 foot tall Robot Legume with the glass dome for a head will be visited upon you and the Yacatisma shall feast on the remnants. KEEPEST THINE MEMBERSHIP CARD CLOSE TO THINE BREAST, lest X-Day come soon, like a drive-by in the night. Those CAUGHT in the FALSE Net, that evil web, shall be REELED IN FLOPPING AND GASPING by the Fishers of Souls, and thine $30 shall buy thee NO SLACK, and in the world after, thine clever sigs shall serve thee naught, thine online comrades shall be far away and shall ne'er save thee, and ALL THINE POSTINGS wouldst thou gladly sacrifice for ONE RUSTY CAN OF PEACHES. For thou has abandoned "Bob," and hath ceased to be one among the termites, but hath become part of the woodwork. THIS IS THE FATE OF THE UNREPENTANT, lest thou enjoin "BOB" for His Mercy.

and Sing His Praises

Ivan Stang

Witness: Jesus H. Christ Devilacqua

"Come X-Day, you'll WISH you were THAT COCKROACH!!" -- Dr. K'taden Legume

P.S. And not only that, but I can out-smoke, out-drink, out-fuck, out-fight, out-arm-wrestle, out-convert, out-preach and out-sell every last man-jack among ye miserable rabble of apes, with the possible exception of one or two of my INFAMOUS TOUGH-GUY and BAD-GIRL GOOD BUDDIES!!

DUH, I say to ye, DUH!!!!

<B><font size=7>DUH!!!!</font><B>

**stangoff********END PROPHECY NOW********* xddrjcbd777765488***

* I will grant you that the X-Day Drill and the devivals aren't FREE.

Incidentally, in all honest truth I am not pissed or even exasperated at Lou or Dr. D or Tarla or anybody else, because I understand where you are coming from; however, I must admit to a certain bias towards GGG for the simple reason that I know the man quite well, we have been close friends for almost 20 years, he has literally saved the very SubGenius Foundation itself more than once from total annihilation, and besides all that, I consider him a Mentor and hell I'll admit it, he's one of my HEROES. GGG IS a HERO. I can see how his posts can be so horribly misunderstood, because behind GGG's posts is something that most newsgroup people aren't used to. HE LIVES UP TO HIS ONLINE PERSONA. When I read GGG's rants I hear his voice and I know what manner of man it's coming from. And I must admit that when I see Dynosoar tell him "SOME of us take this Church SERIOUSLY," I have to share GGG's response, and I don't mean that in any kind of mean or insulting way. This newsgroup ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT EXIST were it not for G. Gordon Gordon. PERIOD. You can argue with that all you want, but the fact is WE WERE THERE and I can promise from one side of hell to the other side of heaven that if there were no SubGenius Foundation there would be no alt.slack, and if there were no G. Gordon Gordon there would be no SubGenius Foundation. Likewise for Sterno, Philo, Paul Mavrides, Puzzling Evidence and myself. One link gone from that chain and none of you would be here to argue about who's a "good" SubGenius.

You might be somewhere BETTER, I dunno. But you would not be doing it here.

I CAN, WILL and AM PULLING RANK. I am the SACRED SCRIBE #273. I was here (in the Church) before ANYBODY but Dobbs, Connie and Philo, and I ALONE IN ALL THE WORLD know how the public aspects that brought YOU here all fell together in the first place.

And this I can tell you for sure: the bottom line:


Kill him. Or kill the Conspiracy. But quit slinging toys back and forth across the playpen at each other! YOU'LL BREAK THEM!!

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