** NOTE from Stang: Because this is the one world religion meant to prevent a one world government, we at the Foundation have a policy of adhering strictly to PatrioPsychotic AnarchoMaterialism when it comes to politics. We don't tell you what to think; we only tell you TO think. But this "Spermgate" thing was such a good Conspiracy trick that it almost divided the very Church. *I* even got opinionated over it, and it almost started a civil war on alt.binaries.slack. Our editor Jesus (who is truly apolitical) insists that we publish my pissed-off spewings, which were originally just a bunch of separate posts interspersed with arguments from SubGenii who hate the Clintonians more than I hate the Starroids. It's the realization that we all finally came to at the END that's important.
First up is the one that almost drove some of the most prolific SubG graphic artists to quit the Church. ***
RE: THE PRESIDENT
Here's my take on it. Keep in mind, I TRIED to dodge the draft in 1973. (Ended up not having to because I had flat feet.) I inhaled. A FUCK of a LOT. And I promise I will inhale again.
Also keep in mind that I have been married for 25 years, I have NEVER been on the dole, I am a small business owner who employs workers, has also unfortunately had to work in plenty of "regular" jobs, I am a voting, tax paying citizen whose 2.5 college age kids aren't fucked up, and who has an active social life. I have no police record. I may be a DUMB ASS with AWFUL TASTE, but that would only make me MORE AVERAGE.
But if I was Clinton, OR ME, and that fine lookin', wide-mouthed little heiffer was constantly coming on to me, I DOUBLE DOG GUARANTEE YOU that I would not only sooner or later accept a nice blow job from the consenting adult babe, but I would, MOREOVER, SPREAD-EAGLE HER FINE ASS ATOP THE OVAL OFFICE DESK and GIVE HER A GOOD BRUSH-FUCKIN' just like CLEANING A SHOTGUN BARREL with that WIRE BRUSH! "JOB RELATIONSHIP" BE DAMNED!
And then, when the fucking GOVERNMENT (!) started quizzing me about my PERSONAL SEX LIFE, like a bunch of god damn RED CHINESE COMMUNIST BUSYBODY OLD LADIES, I likewise PROMISE that I would LIE MY ASS OFF about it, JUST ON PRINCIPLE!!
In fact, I DID! I DID fuck Clinton, AND Hillary, AND Monica, AND I LIED ABOUT IT!! Maybe some of you morally superior people never heard of SWINGERS. Or PEOPLE WITH GENITALS IN GENERAL for that matter.
But then, I'm a HIPPIE-TYPE, and I kind of hate to see religious nuts make laws governing my DICK based on ANCIENT TRIBAL FAIRY TALES. I also sorta thought there was some kind of PRO-PRIVACY thing about our form of government at one point.
THE BOTTOM LINE: Just because angels only eat vegetables, and demons only eat angels, that doesn't make angels "good" and demons "bad." It's JUST NATURE! When a fat old white man fucks a groupie, and then lies his ass off, it's JUST NATURE!
And it DOES happen, THOUSANDS OF TIMES A DAY in this country alone,
between Republican consenting adults, Democrat Pinko Socialist Commie
consenting adults, and damn near everybody else besides ROSS PEROT and
possibly YOU THE READER! It happens between BOSSES and WORKERS of both
sexes, and the SAME sexes! And MOST of them are having a REAL GOOD TIME AT
IT, with NO REPERCUSSIONS!
If you aren't GETTING ENOUGH, TOO BAD!!! But that doesn't give you the right to "KENNETH STARR" me, or anybody else! If you want to NAIL CLINTON, then nail him for a CRIME!
But I guess lying to Big Brother about your private life is crime enough, huh?
"LET'S GET BIG BROTHER OUT OF THE BOARDROOM, AND PUT HIM BACK IN THE BEDROOM WHERE HE BELONGS!" MY BUTT!!!!
We patriopsychotic anarchomaterialists (Ivangelical Free-Frop-and-Sex Branch) BELIEVE in DIVERSITY. WHOEVER KILLS THE OTHER GUY FIRST, WINS. Every yard a kingdom. Just as diversity is essential to a biosphere, or porno mag, there MUST always be liberals and conservative retards to balance each other out. I live in Dallas, Texas, the Buckle on the Bible Belt. My old bud Dr. Philo Drummond is a Rush Limbaugh fan. Papa Joe Mama makes Rush look like Jane Fonda. I on the other hand would burn a thousand flags to preserve my right to kill, torture and buttrape a man who burns a flag.
BUT SO WHAT? ALL THE PINKNESS WILL BE SCOURED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH BY THE XIST REVENGE SAUCERS, IN 152 DAYS, ON JULY 5 THIS YEAR! So it's all a moot point.
As long as the great pendulum of History keeps on swinging, and isn't stuck on ONE SIDE, then that's a GOOD SIGN. The scurrying Earthfools seem to require these distractions, as they scamper about their silly little mammalian puppet-acts. Trapped, penned in, as they are, in their tiny cage of only three dimensions, plus TIME... WHAT DO THEY KNOW of TRUE freedom, the freedom to RIDE THE AKASHIC HURRICANES to the ULTIMATE KNOWLEDGE, hence, finally, and justifiably, to RULE THE WORLD!!! YES!!! TO RULE THE VERY WORLD! TO MAKE THE ILLUMINATI CRAWL AT MY FEET!!! TO... oh, excuse me.
*** Needless to say, this shocked and disgusted many SubGenii, who interpretted an attack on the Republicans as a passionate defense of Socialism. Some posted factual material proving that the Democrats are part of the Socialist Conspiracy. I interpretted that as a passionate defense of right wing Christian bigots. Bad feelings escalated. I posted some REALLY insulting stuff about how some conservatives are professional "victims" of the "vast liberal conspiracy," which I won't repeat here because it was BRUTALITY. Then:***
TOO MANY PEOPLE, NOT ENOUGH COMMANDMENTS
Let me get this straight. If you, me or ANY OTHER CITIZEN besides Clinton got caught with his pants down like that, we'd instantly lose our jobs and probably even go to jail, followed by Hell. But since he's Emperor, he's untouched. Like he has been so far. Right? Perfect logic. Let's extrapolate.
"Mz. Conspiracy Media Hog? My name is Tripp. I happen to have evidence that Ivan Stang cheated on his wife! Right there in the SubGenius Foundation office! With a DACHSUND that was his EMPLOYEE! We even collected some STANG SPUNK that we scraped off the poor little animal's pelt. This should certainly have some bearing on that BESTIALITY charge he slipped out of last year!"
"Lady, who the FUCK is Ivan Stang, and why should I care what he and his runty dogs do? Go take your evil gossip somewhere else, you nasty venal BITCH!" CLICK. BUUZZZZZZZZZZ
But actually that wasn't what I was pissed off about today.
No, what's pissing me off is this. First, I was pondering how unfortunate it is that I have to live under laws based on The Ten Commandments, just because everybody else believes in invisible space monsters that write rulebooks on tablets of stone. But, this is a democracy, and majority rules. DANG! Then I got to pondering The Ten Commandments themselves. I've always maintained that most of that advice SHOULD be COMMON SENSE that GOES WITHOUT SAYING. But apparently, many people are so greedy, violent, rapacious and generally naughty that they must constantly be reminded not to steal, kill, lie, etc.
But THEN I got to realizing -- what's really WRONG is that there aren't ENOUGH Commandments that DO make sense. They left a lot OUT. What about, oh, I dunno, Thou Shalt Not Irreparably Trash the Biosphere? Or at LEAST Thou Shalt Not Litter. Who would argue with that? Thou Shalt Send "Bob" Thine $30. Thou Shalt Not Be a Repetitive Long Winded Windbag. Thou Shalt Not Be a Thou-Shalt-Notter!
"Not to pee on the carpet, That is the Law. We are NOT MEN. Not to sniff the visitor's crotch, That is the Law. We are NOT MEN. Not to talk back to the boss, that is the Law. We are NOT MEN. Not to chase the giggling secretary around the room, that is the Law. We are NOT MEN. Not to wear white socks OUTSIDE of gym class, or black socks IN gym class, THAT is the Law. We are NOT MEN. Not to go out without tons of make-up, that is the Law. We are NOT MEN. Not to Question the Lynch Mob, THAT is the Law. We are NOT MEN!"
Just because I attack the lynch mob, doesn't mean I'm in love with Bill "Pink Boy" Clinton. That would be like me saying that just because you hate Clinton, it means you suck Dick Armey.
Although... me, I'd rather have wad of bills in my mouth than dicks! If it CAME to that.
** The nastiness escalated, of course. I was sent more factual material that did actually open my eyes to various sins of the Liberals that I had forgotten in my anti-Conservative zeal. Privately, by email, I was trying to explain to my angry friends some of my PERSONAL reasons for hating one side more than the other. But they had their own equally horrifying experiences to relate, from the opposite viewpoint.**
OK OK, IT'S A SOCIALIST POLICE STATE
I was discussing this ongoing debate with Dok Frop while we watched our wives dance at a go-go club.
I said to him, "Frop, some SubGeniuses think that America is a Socialist police state." Dok Frop thought for a minute and said, "Well, in the strictest definition of the terms, it is. But it's a mild form of it. It's not like plain old capitalism is endangered. Walmart, Microsoft and Blockbuster* are still going pretty strong."
I had to admit. If you want to get technical about it, this IS a Socialist police state. If you don't let 'em take your hard-earned money to give to slouchers on unemployment and whatnot, they will put you in jail.
But, I'm afraid that isn't ALL it is. It's also a racist theocracy sometimes, among other things. Depends on which wrong time and wrong place you're in. It seems the fact that the Socialists are BAD, makes the BIBLE FASCISTS GOOD all of a sudden, and I now should DEFEND the far right religious fanatics, rather than put them down?
There ARE FEMINAZIS. I've been censored or threatened by the feminazi p.c. brigades. The Church's tendency to celebrate PURE UNADULTERATED RAUNCH is as much a fist in THEIR moralistic faces as it is to the religious zealots and all-talk "family values" morons.
But I have been censored, pestered, bullied, threatened, and physically beat up by FLAG WAVING BIBLE-MISQUOTING FAR RIGHT WING FUNDAMENTALIST BIGOTS, a HELL of a lot more viciously than the pinkos ever even THOUGHT about. P.C. zealots have screamed at me, but they never published death threats against me or pointed guns at me because of things I SAID. Maybe it's just because I live in Texas or something. I'm sure that if I lived in Berkeley, Amherst, Madison, or any other of those evil hotbeds of smugness, I would sing a completely different tune. Even walking around in Portland fills me with a vast loathing for bleeding heart liberal know-it-all rich kids and hand-wringing college professors, blah blah woof woof.
My uber-Hates must be triggered by whatever type of PINK is overpopulating my current vicinity. I do not feel surrounded by queer Pinks. I don't feel surrounded by feminazi Pinks or black racists, although I have gotten shit from them at times. I definitely DO feel hemmed in just a wee bit by powerful country club inherited-wealth Republican corpo Pinks on the one side, such as the ones who own all the newspapers and radio and TV stations around here, and dumb-fuck redneck born-again dupes on the other, who want to dictate our school science textbooks, and where my friends' dicks go, according to bizarre primitive superstitions.
Propaganda is best made by lying by omission. The ends do not justify the means... EXCEPT IN "BOB" DOBBS's case. And you conservatives can relax, because I happen to know that "Bob" and Ronald Reagan, and Elvis, are STILL the very best of friends and, in fact, spend a lot of time together, talking. Talking about, just, oh, all KINDS of things!
It looks like Clinton's slick ass is gonna weasle out of this fix, sort of, and he'll only have been publically humilated for a few years and lose millions of dollars as punishment for lying to the government about his girlfriend.
If there was justice, and Clinton was held to the same rules that he makes the rest of us play by, then we'd ALL better be ready to answer these questions. I haven't seen this year's IRS 1040's yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if just under the "DEPENDENTS" section it said:
Are you now or have you ever had sex outside of the marriage covenant?
Are you (check one ) heteosexual; other
List the names and phone numbers of all persons with whom you have had sex.
Please list any gifts, favors, or payments (these are not deductible)
Have you told a lie about any of your sexual activities to anyone? Who?
Have you ever had an abortion? Who was the doctor? What is his home address?
What religion (check one) Christian Other
Submission level of wife: Good Not too bad Uppity
Do you believe Christ will return: Soon; Not Quite as Soon; Not Soon Enough; Y2K
Neighbors who smoke pot:
If married, please make sure both spouses sign. Attach your check to the
NOW WAS THAT FAIR??
If that makes you mad, and you resent being lumped in with Creationists
just because you don't like Clinton's police state, then please stop
lumping me and half the rest of the country in with "feminazis" and
welfare bums just because I don't like Kenneth Starr's police state. It
makes you sound like you BELIEVE ONE HALF OF THE CONSPIRACY.
Let's put on John Carpenter's movie THEY LIVE and forget it.
*(Note: ARISE The SubGenius Movie is banned from Blockbusters. Actively banned. When Blockbuster bought Sound Warehouse, they shipped back 800 copies of ARISE that had been on the Sound Warehouse shelves. That and Scorcese's LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST, and LIFE OF BRIAN were on their banned list. LIFE OF BRIAN has been taken off, though.)
** More wonderful back-and-forth spewings ensued... the kind of venom that newsgroups are made for. (Normally I don't have time for such online blither-blather, but my wife was out of town that weekend.) I wish we could reprint it all here. I'll probably stash it on SubSITE for embarrassing posterity. I was determined to 1) keep my sense of humor and 2) to PAY ATTENTION when I WASN'T being told what I wanted to hear. Freedom of the press is a wonderful thing, and it's too bad it only exists on the Internet. Since I own this particular printing press, here's the last word: **
MY LAST YEARS RESOLUTION
I have learned an important lesson from all this.
My job is to bash rival religious nuts, false prophets and ALL PINKS. Well, I have to admit, in studying all the evil crimes of my enemies the religious nuts, a certain LOCAL kind of which are more numerous and vocal over on what's called the conservative side, I got so into THAT Hate that I started to forget the crimes of the OTHER religious nuts on the OTHER side, the one refered to (if rarely by itself) as liberal.
This is a good example of WHY the Conspiracy set it up so that we would appear to have ONLY TWO basic options, both of them TOTALLY FUCKED actually, and both of them there for NO OTHER REASON than to CONTROL US. The U.S. alone POTENTIALLY offers over 275 MILLION options! And needless to say they LEAVE OUT the ONLY POSSIBLE CORRECT OPTION, THE WORD OF "BOB"! (The terms "liberal" and "conservative" are both practically meaningless -- like the Bible, they can mean so many things that they cancel themselves out in internal contradictions.)
Each side uses the other as an excuse to remove different kinds of Slack. One robs THIS kind of Slack, the other robs THAT kind of Slack. Whichever one steals the most diverts your Divine HATE towards itself and away from the other... THEN THEY HAVE YOU EXACTLY WHERE THEY WANT YOU: ON ONE OF THEIR SIDES. STUCK to the tarbaby of the Conspiracy.
So I have resolved to prime my Hate Dynamo by broadening my education so as to cover the crimes of ALL False Prophets and thus to better smite ALL Pinks. It might not be a bad idea for other SubGenii, especially the ones who are as muleheaded, agitated and/or as SUPERIOR as myself, to "check their oil" too.
We must remember that ACCORDING TO DOBBS, any politician who does not have a Membership Card in its pocket, is ABSOLUTELY not to be trusted. Any politician who HAS a Membership Card in its pocket, is absolutely NOT to be trusted.
Perhaps the RepubliGoons and the Democretins are engaged in total self-destruction even as we speak. Even so, they would only be replaced by two more BEAR TRAPS for SUCKERS. The Refirtarian Party vs. the Liberform Party, maybe. Certainly not Patriopsychotic Anarchomaterialism! Anything but THAT! Then there'd be NO CONSPIRACY AT ALL!
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