Praise "Him" on "High," the IMPOSSIBLE HAPPENED! The monks and drones and scribes and dervishes who toiled on REVELATION X, ACTUALLY GOT PAID BY THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION, INC!! Oh hosanna, miracle of miracles, Fatima was but a mere UFO display by comparison! Did the Fountain at Lourdes, or the weeping eyes of the Virgin Mary Statues, e'er gush such a flood upon THEIR believers as those $10 and $20 checks, now clutched in the feverish thankful hands of the SubGenius artists and typists, those "little people" whose tears of gratitude and joy I can almost feel sloshing at my feet, OH DAMN!!! The PLUMBING BROKE AGAIN!!

But that's okay. Let it flow. It is pure Yeti backwash; it can only make me healthier. It will cure this disfiguring cold I have, surely before I have to preach in public again in two days. I am optimistic and confident. I have faith. What the hell, the Darkman look is nothing for a SubGenius to be ashamed of. For the great task is over. 86 checks cut and sent. Well, most of 'em. A few MYSTERIES remain. But let it never be said, "THOSE JERKS USED MY STUFF AND I NEVER GOT PAID." "BOB" IS A RIP-OFF." "STANG IS FULL OF CRAP." "COOTER HOLLAND IS RIGHT." At least, let it be said LESS. For my heart fairly leaps with joy, and my freedom is in sight, as soon as I get over this virus, and out from under America Online like a new-hatched rattlesnake emerging from beneath the rock of hybernation and into the clear hot Texas sun, my beady eyes lighting on a field mouse, my jaws slavering... yes... ah, the spirit... but let me share with you this joy. The SubGenius Foundation will almost surely be in the able hands of a fine Dallas-based net access server, at Slackful prices and with state of the art know-how. I can almost "see" those legendary "Web Pages," the great Palace of "Bob" built up on the Web (where I have never been), built upon the brains of his followers, vast acres of insanely perplexing but ultimately meaningful verbiage, glowing in psychedelic colors, moving color collages by Lies and Winston Smith, computer-animated dinosaurs by Dr. Howll, actual 3-D Dobbshead movies shouting at you, live Elvira-like intros by Rev. Susie the Floozy, ACTUAL REAL PILLS SHOWERING ALL OVER THE USER AT ITS KEYBOARD, a "computer virus"-produced ACTUAL FORTEAN MANIFESTATION RIGHT IN HIS OR HER HOME... stick-figure chalk drawings by Nenslo... and I know that all I need next is the software for this Mac. Oh, I just know that'll be easy. Those Metronet guys will say, "oh, here, Rev. Stang, take this disc, it's all you need, it's easier than AOL, even you'll be able to use it." Yep. It'll be a cinch. I'm confident.

Heck, getting a fax machine set up wasn't so hard. Only took about 5 days... a million headaches... hours and hours on hold trying to get hold of "service reps" ALL OF WHOM WERE WRONG IN DIFFERING WAYS, that's all it took, only made my 10-days-out of-warranty ANSWER MACHINE EXPLODE, that's all. Yeah, all this new fangled info highway stuff, why shucks, it's all so CONVENIENT and TIME SAVING!@^#%#@$@$#!

What I started off to say, about an hour ago, at the very top of the page, was, you can now send faxes to The SubGenius Foundation. Theoretically. I haven't actually gotten a fax yet, but then, I haven't WANTED ONE EITHER, NOW HAVE I??!? (Gotta... calm... down.) For instance, say you found something you absolutely have to fax to Church P.R. Central here in Dallas, but like most of us, your muscles are far too atrophied from sitting at the keyboard for you to actually STUFF and ADDRESS an ENVELOPE, much less drive to the copy shop. Plus, you know that while the SubG Mail Man, WILL, will process your ORDER and CHECK, the funny stuff you want Stang and all his famous movie star friends to see will end up in the 5-foot deep box behind him with the previous 6 months' worth of "prairie squid mail," because he's too absorbed in setting up his fancy smancy new "net toys," his "system," and too atrophied, to do much more than glance at the thing and tell himself he'll respond later. Well, NOW YOU CAN! Just push that button that apparently everybody except me has had, until now, and FAX RIGHT IN that crazy "Bob"-looking guy in that 1950s magazine ad, that flyer you put up that the Christians defaced with hilariously revealing stupidity, that cancelled check that proves we got your dough, that sickest-pornography-you-ever-saw, that office graffiti, that plan for a nuclear bomb made from household objects, that snapshot of that license plate that says Dobbs on it, that "Salvation or Destruction" tatoo on your back, that Dobbs-trance painting you did that makes the Sistine Chapel look like a smudge, that photocopy of all your credit cards with the numbers clearly visible, whatever -- WELL, HAVE AT IT!!

It also means we can fax out our price list sheets, simple artwork, etc. Of course, email is the best for straight communication with the Foundation on most kinds of business.

And we don't mind giving out our fax number, because experience has shown us that SubGeniuses tend to stick to business instead of wasting time with theology... just the way Dobbs likes it.

However, we did deliberately bury it down here under all that garbage, so that only the Appointed would bother to wend their patient but tenacious ways down to it, and so that the weak and silly would know better than to abuse it:

fax 214-320-1561

Back to document index

Original file name: Stang News

This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.