-- Narrowly Averted by Miracle of Jesus!


I saw this with my own eyes; I was witness to it, and this is my Testemoney.

For LO: 8,000 people showed up for the Survival Research Laboratory destruction in Austin on Friday Night -- and LO, there was but ONE ENTRANCE to the Longhorn Speedway Stadium, and in front of that entrance was The SubGenius Sacred Sales Table with its backdrop of Dobbshead and swag; and in front of that was a line of people OF EVERY CONCEIVABLE MAKE, waiting to get in, seemingly miles long.

Most of these people had already spent $20 for the ticket. Most of them thought the show was supposed to start ANY MINUTE. It was obvious that it might take HOURS to get in. None were being told in clear terms what the situation was.

Luckily, JESUS had thought to buy the Church a BULLHORN. And LO, Jesus, dressed in His robes and His Crown of Thorns, mounted up upon the Table, and He Spake through the bullhorn. And he Soldeth of the Swag; and He Calmeth the Angry Beast, which was the Crowd.

Actually, the crowd never got angry. After the SRL and Fringeware people saw how miraculously Jesus preached, the begged Him to leave the Sales Table and deliver unto the People His Sermon, His Sermon To the Line.

Jesus walked up and down that mighty line, telling them of the parables of Dobbs, to "stay in your containers until X-Day," and that the line WAS MOVING and that the show WOULD NOT BEGIN until ALL were inside, that it was NOT SOLD OUT, etc. etc.

It took THREE HOURS to get those people in. And consider: many of these people looked not unlike the fearsome machines of death built by Survival Research Laboratories!

Meanwhile, someone else and I SOLD and helped direct traffic near the Booth, in our small way. Our small way amounted to a HUGE HAUL... we ALMOST TOTALLY SOLD OUT ALL SWAG!!

Why did not Mr. Big Shot Hot Snot Preacher-Man Rev. Stang join Jesus in this preaching? I JUST WASN'T UP TO IT. Those damned copycat cultists had offed themselves the day before, and I had been up all night long making sure we had as good a response up on SubSITE as possible. I had PLANNED to preach to the multitudes outside the show, that's why we had the bullhown, but every time I thought of something to say, I would forget it by the time the megaphone was up to my mouth. It was the best I could do to frantically count change and check T-shirt sizes like a lowly menial Bobbie.

Only a Jesus from Cleveland would be DUMB enough to wander up and down a line of POTENTIALLY FURIOUS REDNECK TEXANS, DRESSED just like Jesus, SAYING he's the Christ Child, and SELLING SUBGENIUS SALVATION while doing CROWD CONTROL!?!?

I recorded an hour of precious tapes of this Sermon by the New Jesus, which we will certainly prep for Web and Radio ASAP. I'm so glad I was sick... because otherwise JESUS would probably not have preached, and the crowd would not have been so amused, and they would have rioted, and SRL would have had to set their machines loose on the crowd, and the town would have been destroyed, and Fringeware would have been sued, and Paco Nathan, of Fringeware, our host, would have been DESTROYED.



One year ago, when the Lord came to work for the Church, on April 1, He said that "Bob" would fire Him in one year if he had not EXACTLY DOUBLED the yearly Church income.

We were $400 short, even after the SRL sales. Jesus was about to be fired -- which would leave me Christless, which would mean I'd just SHUT THE FUCKER DOWN since it'd obviously be a SIGN FROM "BOB" that Jesus (and me) had been forsaken... BUT -- PACO, having just SOLD OUT the SRL show he'd produced, BOUGHT ALL THE REMNANTS OF OUR SWAG FOR THE FRINGEWARE STORE,


Truly it was a weekend of miracles. Puzzling Evidence was there, G Gordon Gordon was there, and we got to wander through the smoking rubble and admire the crushed, skull-decorated machines the next morning.

It was great to see the Austin Clenches again, however briefly.

Now, some SubGeniuses, such as the Akronites, hate Jesus, think he's an arrogant bastard. Especially since He STILL hasn't even read the first BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS. Most find him charming and very stupidly friendly, like Stimpy. (Exactly the same things can be said about me.) On the Internet His spelling and grammar make Him appear retarded, so He doesn't get as much attention online, even though His is most definitely the Hierarchy ass to kiss, not mine, these days.

But I'll tell you what. I am proud of the boy. Jesus can PREACH. JESUS is a GREAT SUBGENIUS PREACHER and 8,000 SRL fans would probably back me up on that.

-- Rev. Stang

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