95.3.6- STANGREPORT, Video Update, PITTSBURGH Devival, gossip, plugs...

This report for the board of directors was first written and posted around
March 4 or 6 or so, except that I don't think it ever got much past my
immediate server, Metronet. (Which would be just as well.) Will O'Dobbs
said he never saw it through his alt.slack gateway, nobody responded to
it, and I never saw it through AOL. I am therefore reposting the whole
batch in the assumption that nobody saw it the first time. If you did,
sorry. I wish you hadn't. It was too much like a diary and badly needed
rewriting and censoring, which I've done. (Dad Townsend must have seen the prematurely semi-posted version; it was so sloppy he thought an imposter had done it.)

CHUNK ONE ************************************************

A day late and a dollar short. 3 checks to the Foundation bounced in one
week, and TWO FLAT TIRES in ONE DAY. So THIS must be HELL. But let's not
DWELL on that; there's work to be done, and Slack to be snatched from the
slavering jaws of grim Dame Fate herself. However, this report is so long
and rambling, I'd better break it up into chunks. I wrote most of this
several days ago, but had to let the undignified peevishness settle to the
bottom so that it could be identified and REMOVED like a FOUL HUMOUR or
UGLY CYST. Believe it or not, what follows is the FAR LESS PEEVISH

I get back to town after 10 days on the road. Spend 2 days answering the
60 email messages, returning phone calls, and catching up on alt.slack
(up to about Feb. 25, just past the great slanderous Buck Naked thread).
Had to use American't Online to do that... Metronet dumps newsgroups posts
after about 5 days. ((Since that writing, Metronet increased the dosage to
7 days and is improving the alt.binaries.slack feed.))



AHHHH. THAT FELT GOOD. Writing on and on just for yuks, about personal
stuff I'll never be paid for. True Slack can sometimes be the avoidance of
THE CRAP YOU HAVE TO DO. This file started with a list of the things I
have to do, NOW. I present it here so that communicative SubGenii will
understand why I don't always respond to their emails IN KIND, with ESSAYS
like THEIRS.

Organize the Stark Fist PRINT version

Write the Forward for DC Comics' "BIG BOOK OF CONSPIRACIES" ((DONE))

Write Articles for WIRED on Run&Gun, Mike Jittlov, Internet Radio, etc.

Write The SubG Foundation WEB SITE Plan so others can help

Write The SubGenius CD ROM Game Plan so $ can be raised

Start compiling the first SubGenius audio CD w/ Negativland

Catch up on the Personal Snail Mail from MONTHS AGO including copies of
Hour of Slack to contributors going back 20 shows
((Major breakthrough as Will O'Dobbs sorts magazines, tapes and letters
from Stack into separate boxes!!))

Produce 3 new episodes of THE HOUR OF SLACK ((DONE))

Learn html ((At least got Web Browser working again))

Buy new RAM, and USE it
(or buy new dubbing decks, or fix hole in roof)

Learn how to dump art in alt.binaries.slack starting with Numens'
animation ((DONE))

Dump some more Book Outs, Fist Articles and Reprints in alt.slack ((ABOUT

Pick up new tire for the Honda at 3:30 when get Sivet at school ((OH NO!!

Order blanks from Tapemasters

Find a Video 8 camera to borrow and see if mine broke before or after
latest devivals were shot ((DURING))

Go see Xandy in the school musical ((DONE.))

Earn living. Vacuum. Do the WASH. Buy groceries. ((Some Done))

Where is the eccentric SubGenius millionaire sugar-daddy? That's what we
really need. Hell, every other dopey mind control cult has DOZENS of
eccentric millionaires funding them. We're the ONLY ONE that tells the
truth about our bullshit, and we don't have EVEN ONE RICH MANIAC BELIEVER!
There was one rich guy who sent us $1,000 last year -- saved my BUTT at
the time -- but he's in a mental institution now. FIGURES. This routine of
getting famous one city at a time is wearing thin and it AIN'T PAYING THE

I didn't mean this to be a pledge drive. ((YEAH I DID.)) I was just gonna
report in on recent Foundation adventures. I shouldn't complain. There's
more incoming unsolicited SHEER STUFF than I could ever hope to skim. New
Mojo Nixon CD showed up today. Some fine pickin' and grinnin', especially
"Girlfriend in a Coma," "Tie My Pecker to My Leg," and "My TV Is Watching
Me," which specifically praises Dobbs and the Church by name... DAMN
PRAISE-the-HELL ol' Mojo. And the OBE/Kings of Feedback CD! More on that


Just before I went on the road, I re-editted the master of the SUBGENIUS
INTERVIEWS video. In its original form, the first half of that video was
pretty good, but the second half was "filler." I had already added some
new stuff to it, but with the Jon Stewart show tape I figured it was time
for a complete overhaul. So here's the log of the new version. These are
TV reports on the Church that have appeared on mainstream TV over the last
14 years.

A Current Affair (1990) ...
Channel 7 San Francisco (1984) Shot backstage at Victoria Theater, San
Francisco, just before the Night of Slack devival. Sterno, Stang,
Vreedeez, misc. Subs.
BBC's "Things to Come" (1989) -- With the Bay-Arean Drs.: Howl, LIES,
Puzzling Evidence, & Cordt Holland.
CNN (1983) Fairly silly report featuring laughably young-looking Stang
CNN - protesters w/ Dobbs sign (1988)
MTV news ('87) Kurt Loder on HIGH WEIRDNESS BY MAIL
Stang on Kennedy Assassination (1987? -- from a Dallas Arts cable show)
Showtime's What's Up America (1981) (At World SubCon #1, Dallas) ACTUALLY
Canadian TV: Lifetime talk show (8/27/88) Stang's first awkward network
Channel 4, Dallas (1980) -- REALLY old. At Buck Naked's old temple.*
(* Former SubGenius Pastor Buck Naked hates the Church now, and doesn't
want anybody to get the impression that he still has anything to do with
Ch. 11, Dallas talk show (1981?) Two-bit local show with confused Pink
interviewing nerdly Stang
Dr. Howl interview (1986) -- shot by Puz Ev. for a video class
Paul Mavrides, Doug Wellman, Gary G'Broagfran (the KPFA Berkeley SubGenius
"show" at that time) interviewed by local arts group
Palmer Vreedees & D. Woodman Atwell (Puzzling Evidence) -- arts group
video of their "Science Fair" project
Rev. Ivan Stang on The Jon Stewart Show (Fox) (Feb. 7 1995)
Paul Mavrides on Nightline (ABC) Thanksgiving, 1994 (Very slick, well
done report)
SOMETHING NEW TO DIE FOR by Rev. Sverre Kristensen/Rev.Gutzilla Bloat '93
(This amazing new replacement for ARISE was produced in Denmark, but is in
English, and incorporates all previous SubGenius videos plus Gutzilla's
sicko collection into one ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING VIDEO BARRAGE that is
probably the very best vidpiece done on the Church EVER.)
done ostensibly as a film/video school project... paranoid mock-paranoid
look at the Church done by one of its greatest preachers AS IF done by
worried Christians. Much footage of Dallas Subs (Ken Huey, Popess Cecelia,
Will O'Dobbs, Trixter Shaman, Ymmot Zepol, Koresh-like Stang) plus the SF
Subs (Dr. Howll, Gary G'Broagfran, Vreedeez, Puz-Ev).
OUT-TAKES Reel from the above. HOUR OF SLACK fans will enjoy these two
Joe Mama productions, as they're like a VISIBLE Hour of Slack, with most
of the old-time HoS regulars featured. Worth replaying many times even if
only for closer inspection of the shelves in the background of the various
SubGenius home-studios.
DEMO for the CD-Rom game (in production) DUELIN' FIREMEN by Run&Gun!
Transfered to video direct from a CD Rom disk, it looks kind of raster-y,
but illustrates JUST HOW INSANE this project is. Very short cameos by
Mothersbaugh, Leary, Stang, starring Rudy Ray Moore.

That video is $20 from The SubGenius Foundation. As with ARISE before it
got "finished," those 30 or so folks who purchased the earlier versions of
this tape can send us their old copy WITH A SASE THAT'LL TOTE THE VIDEO
BACK TO YOU, and I'll redub it over with the new version and return it to
you. Just like a computer program update.


The Holy Roadie, Princess Wei R. Doe and I, loaded up with the ACE Porta-Pulpit and Giant Dobbsheads, got to Pittsburgh about 2 hours before the show. Meet Rachel, the owner of THE EYE OF HORUS bookstore, who was promoting this event. Dr. Legume pounced in from Philly with Fr. Joe Mama (now of Harrisburg). To help you visualize these guys: Dr. Legume is a very large, imposing Yeti Quarterblood with a close-cropped biker look to him and a Mutant Redneck accent. Father Joe Mama is a suave, handsome, conservative looking gentleman. Both possess BURNING BLACK EYES OF MADNESS AND PURE EVIL, and happen to wear clerical collars while preaching, although Legume also wears a black mystery long-coat like Clint Eastwood westerns, and Joe Mama switches between rants from the angry priest look into to a replica SS uniform.

The Pittsburgh mutants had made a papier-mache Dobbshead about 4 feet high, intended to be used as a pinata This functioned like the dragon-head in one of those Chinatown parades, with the first guy wearing the Dobbshead and trailed by a line of other folks draped in flesh-colored cloth, so that the whole assembly somewhat resembled a16-foot-long DICK with a Dobbshead for a Head. This spectacle paraded down the street from the bookstore to the devival site in broad daylight before the show. Some Pinks who saw this approached the straightest-looking nearby observer -- Father Joe Mama -- and said, "Did you see that? There's crazy cult people loose on the street!" Father Joe replied, "REALLY? Hey, that sounds like a SubGenius devival! Let's follow 'em!!"

The show was inside a CHURCH. Well, it's an art gallery now, but it was formerly a damn big CHURCH and still looks like one. A HOUSE OF GOD!!! Only at the last minute did we meet the other "acts," "interspersing acts" in this case -- Circus Apocalypse and the Bull Seal Collective. The Bull Seal Collective are performance artists... But CIRCUS APOCALYPSE -- MAH GAWD!!! Those guys are the PERFECT SubGenius co-act, no shit. Their "side show" -- "a Bizarre Merging of Fire, Steel and Flesh" as their card says -- is just the kind of thing we need MORE OF at SubGenius devivals. I haven't seen such amazing, jaw-dropping antics nor heard such HILARIOUS explanatory banter and patter since they banned the Freak Show at the Texas State Fair.

First, David Apocalypse demonstrated how he escapes from a strait jacket -- he learned it in real mental institutions, and he undergoes terrible agony popping his shoulder joints out of socket to do it. He proceeded then to overpower the mind of his partner, Armaggeddon Andrew, and forced him to:

#1. Hammer a 6" nail directly into the center of his nose, and after it is removed, to replace it with a SCREWDRIVER that goes right through the newly drilled sinus holes to TICKLE THE BASE OF HIS BRAIN...
#2. Eat a cage full of live crickets, another cage full of live squirming meal worms, and finally, for dessert, an expensive Madagascar Hissing Cockroach, a great big ol' crusty bug about 4 inches long. This was accompanied by vegetarian rant on the evils of eating DEAD meat.
#3. Eat the glass from a working lightbulb, smashed by a lovely audience volunteer. (Andrew never has to floss.)
#4. GET HIS LIPS SEWN SHUT WITH PIANO WIRE. Yes, I sat 3 feet away in the audience, cringing like a sissy, while David sewed that boy's lips. Watched that needle go right through upper lip, bottom lip, across, and both lips on the other side. (At one point Joe Mama asked Andrew, "Doesn't that HURT?" To which he mumbled, "Not enough to come.") Afterwards, I had a "conversation" with Andrew backstage. He could mutter with the stitches in, like a ventriloquist. He just had to lean in close to my ear. It was a moment I couldn't wait to tell my kids about.

This wasn't JUST a freak show. The ongoing commentary by Insane Ringmaster David and the self-mutilating human pincission, Andrew is of the highest vaudevilleian SubGenius standards, and I would heartily recommend Circus Apocalypse for ANY weirdo road show, hospital fund-raiser, county fair, church social or rock and roll extravaganza. (Call 412-481-8935 for info).

The last thing I got on video before my camera started breaking down was Father Joe Mama's SUPERB 1st rant. HOUR OF SLACK afficionados will recognize Father Joe Mama as one of the all-time world-class SubGenius Hate Preachers. The rivetting delivery of his "WHAT IF...?" rant in Pittsburgh will be heard on Hour of Slack #485.

At some point in there I did my sermon, some version of the "SubGenius 101" canned Stang Rant. I don't have any of the show on audio tape because my little porta-deck teleported itself into someone else's possession during this show. This whole devival was particularly tough on equipment.

If we judge devivals by the rumors that go around later about them, this one was in the top 5. According to David Apocalypse, at least TWO Pittsburghers who WERE THERE have been quite seriously telling everybody who'll listen that the Church IS A REAL, AND VERY VERY DANGEROUS FASCIST MIND CONTROL CULT, that there were REAL NAZIS there, that a woman was swinging her toddler around in circles by the ankles while the crowd chanted, "SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE!", and that people were carving off pieces of flesh for "Bob." One of these observers said that after witnessing a SubGenius devival, he can now understand how all those people in Guyana could have been talked into drinking cyanide Kool-Aid. According to this person, half of the audience obviously understood (as he did) that this was quite serious, and were ready to KILL for "BOB," and that the other half were fooled into thinking it was only a TAKE-OFF on Satanism.

Maybe this means we SHOULD start making them drink the cyanide.

David said we shouldn't worry about it. His motto: 'Do just enough to keep your file open.'

As the show thrashed on, P. Wei R. Doe, who was working the Sacred Sales Table, ran into a guy she hadn't seen since 4th grade. Rev. Anomie was strutting her formidable stuff in a skimpy leather bondage outfit, getting plenty of attention. The performance artists were trying to perform art but the sound system went screwy -- we were all equipped with RADIO MIKES and they got all glitchy, so except for we preachers on the line mike at the Pulpit up on the balcony, it was SHOUT CITY in the big cathedral-like room. We then ascertained that the interference with the radio mikes was coming from MY VIDEO-8 CAMERA POWER BOX, which I had plugged in when my battery ran out. TOO BAD... because what I couldn't shoot was DR. K'TADEN LEGUME'S GREATEST SERMON YET.

Dr. Legume is one of those very few BORN SUBGENIUS PREACHERS. As such, undoubtedly he will eventually tire of it and become a great anti-SubGenius preacher. But in the meantime, this Pennsylvania redneck motherfucker can pound a pulpit, blow off a roof, and chew up a believer like nobody's bizness. Dr. Legume is one of those "ubermacho" SubGenius preachers, who comes on wielding all manner of WEAPONS while preaching, scaring the bejesus out of anybody in the audience with GOOD JUDGEMENT. Legume's most vivid preaching moments have occured not on stage, but on the street. He's a true mutant -- the recipient of experimental steroidal drugs when he was but a frail little kid, drugs which turned him into the musclebound Hulk/Yeti he is today.

Legume had brought a shotgun to the show. He really wanted to use it somehow in his rant. About 10 minutes before he was to go on, he asked for a knife. Joe Mama whipped out a gigantic Replica World War Two Nazi Dagger. Legume chopped open a shotgun shell, poured out the pellets, loaded the 'blank' and got up to rant. He delivered his most blood-curdling, Bobbie-shamin', rabid berserker sermon yet, and punctuated it by cocking the shotgun and blowing a hole in the ceiling of the church. He charged down into the audience clutching the Sacred Nine Iron, placed the RAW BRAIN of DOBBS on a table, and SMASHED IT TO PIECES with the Nine-Iron, splitting the table, which he literally threw over his shoulder so that he could get to the spattered pieces of brain and CRAM THEM INTO HIS MOUTH. His bloodlust still unslaked, he next went for the 4' papier-mache-and-chickenwire Dobbshead. Standing 30 feet over the audience on the organ balcony from which we preached in this church, grinning like a fiend from Hell, Dr. Legume PUNCHED A GREAT HOLE in the face of Dobbs and CATAPULTED the vast bulk of it over the railing and into the audience. Luckily, THANK THE FATE-LAWYERS, it didn't hurt anybody who COUNTS when it landed.

(If I get a good video copy from the guys who were shooting this for the bookstore, I'll be able to play a chopped-up, censored version of this rant on Hour of Slack.)


All in all, the audience got harassed and interacted with to a pretty fair extent, considering the size of it. The bug-eating face-impaling men of Circus Apocalypse forced themselves on the audience admirably. At the end of the devival, after performing the Short Duration Marriage Ceremony (original concept by former ex-SubGenius Church Critic Buck Naked, who LET US SPECIFY VERY CLEARLY is not a SubGenius supporter of any kind any more), I got to shower onto the audience a huge box of toy bugs, candy, ray guns, rubbers and misc. gee-gaws supplied by Eye of Horus. I only wish my shaky-cam had been operational... my PoV of the boxful of toys and SuperBalls showering down onto the crowd was worth sharing. It was a beautiful thing. I believe there was some comment on alt.slack about those SuperBalls. I got a few thrown at me, REALLY HARD.

The Pittsburgh devival lacked the usual video barrage projected backdrop, or even the Drs. for "Bob" background ranting music tape playback, but by the hoary beard of Wotan, it was great preachery, Bold Surrealism and Audience Elimination reminiscent almost of the Golden Days of Drs. 4 "Bob." I just hope I get the GOOD video copies eventually, so as to play the rants on HoS and collage the most terrifying PICTORIAL BITS into the projected "GREAT SUBGENIUS DEVIVAL MOMENTS OF 1990-95" video.

Both Pittsburgh daily newspapers and the weekly ran features about the glories of Dobbs and mutantdom. Though tongue-in-cheek and bisbelieving, each such p.r. snippet adds a little more weight to the snowball. It's that snowball we're working on. You can ALMOST see it growing now.

STANGREPORT 3: Fridge Magnets

((Sorry if this is a repost for you. Something weird happened the first time it was posted a week or two ago, and most people didn't see it on alt.slack. Which is just as well, since it was in a very rough draft form. This version is shortened and enslackened.))

After the Pittsburgh devival, I had A DAY. I went through weeks of alt.slack print-outs, tagging them with anal organizational labels for FIST-WEB-CDROM-Game use, and FINALLY FOUND THE SLACK TO PLAN OUT THE WEB PAGE AND/OR CD-ROM GAME PLAN. It'll look REAL PRETTY from the outside, like a fairy tale castle, but as you go deeper and deeper into it it gets SCARIER AND SCARIER. It's shaped like a SPIDER, with the very CENTER of the WEB ITSELF in the spider's GUT. Now all we have to do is figure out how to make it set itself all up on its own.

Einstein's Secret Orchestra (Church Cantor Chas Smith and Lonesome Cowboy Dave) performs the weirdest improv radio in the East every Thursday at 11 pm at 89.3 FM in Cleveland, and we joined evil ESO Radio for another bout. This time, we trapped pore old Lonesome in The SUBGENIUS WEB and made him play the new SubGenius Reality Reboot game. The only way he'll ever get out is through The Hour of Slack Escape Portal... if you see his head come out of the speakers, WHACK IT WITH A HAMMER! Or write for more info on ESO RADIO tapes & etc.: ESO, PO Box 14776, Cleveland OH 44114

This broadcast also featured fevered commentary about a song from the CD, "OUT BAND EXPERIENCE (OBE)/KINGS OF FEEDBACK." OBE/KOF has been advertised on alt.slack by its maker, Bill T. Miller, and I play it on HOUR OF SLACK a lot, but I have been remiss in not plugging it harder here. The first half, OBE, is mostly "songs" of a somewhat Negativland-like nature -- i.e., densely mixed and heavy on sampling/collage -- generic subject matters like sex, aliens, rock music, the Conspiracy. The second half, Kings of Feedback, is mostly SubGenius-specific. I have been playing this stuff for a long time on Hour of Slack, but what rehooked me recently was a close listening to the song YOU RANG, the ultimate heavy metal Satan-invoking ditty. It had me hearing subliminals THAT WEREN'T EVEN THERE! (But luckily I REMEMBER 'em, and can use 'em on OUR album!) If every kid in America could be strapped down, crammed full of drugs, and FORCED to listen to this song, THEY WOULD NEVER DO DRUGS OR LISTEN TO ROCK MUSIC AGAIN. It makes the listener almost feel the flames of Hell licking at his butt.

The OBE/KoF CD is only $8 (!!!) from:
OBE, Box 221, Boston MA 02123.
Or CALL 1-617-LICK-OBE. (The outgoing message is a fine piece in itself.)
Or email ObeKOF@world.std.com.
OR you can order it from The SubGenius Foundation (address below.)

Here's another PLUG: The Hour of Slack episode with the ESO radio WEB TRAP spouting (and the song YOU RANG) is #484. $6.50 including postage from SubGenius Foundation.

One day in Cleveland, Lonesome Cowboy Dave and I went to hang out at THE FLYING LEMUR BOOKSTORE in Lakewood. What's really SICK about the Flying Lemur is that they only have one copy of each book for sale, and there are more tables and chairs than there are shelves, and Steve sells coffee and soda pop. So it's more a reading room than a store. THIS IDIOTIC SUBGENIUS GREATMAN IS GIVING AWAY FREE SLACK ON A DAILY BASIS, making available a veritable library of ReSearch books, sci-fi classics, counterculture stand-bys, SubGenius materials, ROMP & FROLIC IN THE APOCALYPSE, and so on, and he doesn't CHARGE YOU to sit there and READ ALL HIS BOOKS.

He'll probably be shut down soon by the local poebuckers, so take advantage of it while you can.

When I got back to Dallas, there were 60 email messages and a MONSTROUS LOAD of alt.slack posts to read... still not done... of course, it's NEVER done. DynaSoar's "REAL RANT (Not Nice)" was a classic. Nenslo had typed up Buck's hate-SubGenius rants, which saved me the trouble of doing so. Modemac had dragged in some really amazing new cool dead things from OUTSIDE. Needless to say, I was overjoyed to see my good buddy and biggest fan Bob Black again. But even better than THAT:

The shipment came in. We have a NEW PRODUCT:

$3 each from SubGenius Foundation
Dr. Howll and Crux Productions of San Francisco, makers of the Dobbs mug coffee mugs, the T-shirts, the Boxer Shorts and the Dobbshead GIMME-CAPS ($13, not seen in the catalog), have produced these fine FRIDGE MAGNETS of the Dobbshead. They're about 2" high, printed on magnetized rubber. Not the halftone Classic Dobbshead, but a perfect high-contrast redraw by Dr. Hal Robins. You'll chortle rather than cringe when you see your "Things to See Say and Do" list held on your file cabinet by this grinning fiend.

One size fits all. Dobbshead stitched onto front of cap. Be cool for once.

I think Buck's "interview" about what an asshole I am speaks for itself. Only an insane Trevinoist would try to claim that I, Stang, a crazed nic-fiend who has always been rather OBVIOUSLY against prohibition of any kind, with the EXCEPTION of CRITICISM OF STANG, am "for" seatbelt and antismoking laws. I'm surprised that Buck would make allegations that dozens of folks who were THERE, NOT EXCLUDING CONNIE DOBBS HERSELF, will absolutely deny, such as his twisted description of the origins of the Church. A "bet between Stang and Drummond"? ""The Drummond guy left when Stang made the first million out of it"? "When she quit, he hired a secretary"? Where's DOBBS in all of this?!? I'm almost shocked that Buck sees things this way. "The Church is Ivan Stang's property." I FUCKING WISH!!! I'd be one rich Scribe by now. (The Dobbshead Trademark IS my property and DON'T YOU FORGET IT!!) And this prophecy about my deliberately organizing devivals at "needle clubs" that peddle heroin to teenagers. He sounds like a cargo cultist. "Rebellion within Stang's church is dead." (Hell yeah, but my clench only consists of ME!) "The Church stands for uniformity and mediocrity." (Can you read between the lines here?)

I shouldn't complain, he really did contribute some wonderful bits, including the terms "devival" and "Hour of Slack!") Buck Naked is one of the most well-meaning guys in the world, and he created a number of very useful major early concepts, such as the Short Duration Marriage and the Watch Smashing. Not to mention his old songs. But I've had enough of suffering fools gladly. You try to train these ungrateful creatures, take them in, give them a home, but sooner or later they turn against you, rabid, frothing-at-the-mouth curs, snarling and snapping... they go over to Trevino's side. The SHUN PALMER and then suck up to the Trevino head like he was some kind of a REAL golfer.

Therefore... let this be Buck's punishment:

He WANTS us to forget him... but we REFUSE.

He's right about the ambiguity of the Church, though. If you want good and evil defined for you, join ANY other religion; they'll be happy to do it.

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Original file name: Stang Pittsburgh Update

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