NO, NO! We said, "Wait for the COMMENT, "Hail Bob!""


Slammin' Heaven's Gate. "Ma them kids, them SubGeniuses are out there swingin' on the gate to heaven again, they're gonna thow that thing off its hinges and NOBODY'll be able to get through it, and Hell will fill up and the dead will walk the earth and all. Dang them SubGeniuses."

I'm a mocker, and am guilty of having made callous fun of the 39 dead geeks. Their farewell statements on video, however, beg us not to make a big deal out of how "tragic" it all is -- they went not only willingly, but eagerly, and it has ALWAYS been the MISSION of "BOB'S" Church, to get you to the punchline ALIVE, and we don't mean the JONESTOWN PUNCHLINE. Sure, we're waiting for the saucers, too, but, as Dr. Legume put it, we're happy to wait at the corner for the bus, with our quarters in our pockets. We don't feel we have to JUMP OUT INTO THE PATH OF THE ONCOMING BUS. Sure, we'll all shed our containers in 450 some odd days, but when the Pinks find OUR meat shells, it'll be more like, "The 39,000 bodies were all wearing Timex wristwatches, Reeboks shoes, Levis jeans... each had an unopened pack of Camel Lights cigarets and was clutching an empty Dr. Pepper can. Dr. Grabow Pipes were clenched in each dead jaw and Smith and Wesson revolvers had to be pried out of all of their cold dead fingers."

OH yeah we make fun....


More disgusting than mockers like me or dumbasses like them are the pompous, pious Pink pundits who are now oozing out of every op-ed page or talk show, indulging in a veritable orgy of self-congratulation about how sane and normal are THEY AND THEIR "GOOD" RELIGION. "Well, SOME will blame the Internet, but of course the real cause is the breakdown of family values, blah blah woof woof..."

The biggest difference between Heaven's Gate and mainstream Christianity is that the Heaven's Gate people never tried to brainwash my kids.

They stayed out of my face. If you were INTERESTED, you could look them up on the Web. They didn't take over a dozen radio and TV stations in Dallas. They didn't have entire cable networks devoted to their particular superstition. So they shunned sex. Millions of Christians (called "nuns," "priests" and "losers") are the same way. So 39 of them killed themselves. At least they didn't kill millions of nonbelievers, burn witches, torture freethinkers, etc. So the cultists think some spaceship full of gods is gonna save them! Christians, Jews, Muslims and most everybody else believe in an invisible monster that will help you out if you kiss Its Almighty Invisible Ass.

And why do they believe all this? Because they read it in a book, or some REALLY SINCERE PERSON told them about it.

But just LISTEN to the Pinks drone on and on and on about those poor "deluded" cultists, as if they themselves were somehow ANY DIFFERENT. I'm not talking about Christian nuts like Bob Larson and Jerry Falwell; you expect it from clowns like them. I hardly need to comment on PAT ROBERTSON playing with little pumpkins on the 700 club and talking about how SILLY those cultists are. I'm talking about your standard everyday middle of the road commentator, your letters-to-the-editor writer, your average good American god-fearing religious hypocrite. They are every JOT AND TITTLE as vain and silly as Do and his followers, have caused INFINITELY more trouble, but now I have to put up with their condescending garbage every time I check the news.

And ALL IT BOILS DOWN TO is, "See, my invisible monster was bigger than YOUR invisible monster, nyah nyah, my invisible monster didn't kill me, he's a GOOD invisible monster, and ALL the rest of us NORMAL people believe in OUR invisible monster, nyah nyah nyah nyah..."

The cultists made me sick, but the Normals make me much sicker. As fucked up as those Heaven's Gate idiots were, oftimes I think I'd rather be a DEAD WEIRDO than a LIVE NORMAL.

Praise "HERFF!"

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