Stang on AOL CENTER STAGE 5/5/96

(The audience can't see lines prefaced with a $. The $-talk is "backstage chatter".)

OnlineHost : We will be starting in a few minutes, so get
OnlineHost : Or get popcorn or something :)
SubGStang1 : $Well, the movies were prophetic. The TV show was
false prophecy.
CJ Ellen : $how can you tell the difference?
SubGStang1 : $I get divine revelation from "Bob" Dobbs in the form
of memos written on pizza crusts.
CJ Ellen : $Spelled out in pepperoni?
OnlineHost : Rev. Ivan Stang and the Church of the SubGenius
SubGStang1 : $No, I think he just used a Sharpie. "Bob" always has
a pocketful of Sharpies.
CJ Ellen : $what's a Sharpie?
SubGStang1 : $You know, those indelible markers. I thought
EVERYBODY carried Sharpies.
SubGStang1 : $Bob" himself IS ALSO what some call "a sharpie," but
that's different.
CJ Ellen : $Hmm, maybe I should look into getting one
CJ Grizzly : $Geez, Ellen....even I've got an over abundance of
CJ Ellen : $is it a male thing?
SubGStang1 : $It's Sunday... good time for worship services... but
we should talk about SEX to get more people online.
CJ Ellen : $You should start with SEX. That will perk up the
SubGStang1 : $You should start advertising this as a Sex Cult
OnlineHost : Rev. Ivan Stang and the Church of the SubGenius
CJ Ellen : $I wonder how much I could get away with.
SubGStang1 : $Ok, by all means introduce it as a sex cult. And
I'm like David Koresh only worse.
CJ Ellen : $Let's get started.
SubGStang1 : $GO GO GO
OnlineHost : Copyright 1996 America Online, Inc.
OnlineHost : The auditorium consists of two major areas: the
: audience, where you are right now, and the stage,
: where the speakers appear. Text which you type
: onscreen shows only to those in your row, prefaced
: by the row number in parentheses, such as (2) if
: you are in row 2. To interact with the speaker,
: use the Interact icon on your screen.
SubGStang1 : And copyright 1998, The SubGenius Foundation
OnlineHost : To interact with your hosts or their guests, use
: the Interact Button and select either "Ask a
: Question" or "Send a Comment" -- please be aware
: that your hosts may not be able to address all
: items sent to the stage due to time constraints.
: Questions or comments sent that are not relevant
: to the conference in progress will not be
: addressed in order to save you time and charges.
CJ Ellen : Rev. Ivan Stang is president and Sacred Scribe
CJ Ellen : of The SubGenius Foundation in Dallas,
CJ Ellen : key administrator of the Church of the SubGenius
CJ Ellen : disorganizational headquarters, and First Lackey
CJ Ellen : under "Bob" Dobbs since 1979. Originally a filmmaker
CJ Ellen : by trade, he now produces THE HOUR OF SLACK radio
CJ Ellen : is main author of the four SubGenius books,
CJ Ellen : and is currently pursuing new Church projects
CJ Ellen : including both an audio CD series
CJ Ellen : and a CD-ROM interactive SubGenius game.
CJ Ellen : Rev, (you don't mind if I call you "Rev" do you?)
CJ Ellen : how are things going in the Church of the SubGenius?
CJ Ellen : What is this I hear about a Sex Cult?
SubGStang1 : We've just switched over from being a Prophecy based
cult to a SEX cult.
SubGStang1 : So far attendance is way up.
CJ Ellen : What are the requirements for membership?
SubGStang1 : Also we acquired a new company... merged with the
owner of Christianity.
CJ Ellen : Tell us more.
SubGStang1 : The only SERIOUS requirement for a ministership in
the Church is the Sacred Thirty Bucks.
SubGStang1 : Anyone who truly hates the Conspiracy of the Normals
is a SubGenius at heart, however.
CJ Ellen : Can you explain that further?
SubGStang1 : They just won't be Ruptured up to the Escape Vessels
without spending the $30.
SubGStang1 : We have a new business partner here at the Dallas
corporate headquarters -- Rev. Jesus Devilacqua.
SubGStang1 : He's here with me now, blessing you all.
CJ Ellen : ::waving to the Rev.::
SubGStang1 : He says he loves you all. He can see you from here.
CJ Ellen : Does he work with the Sex Cult members?
SubGStang1 : He sees every sparrow that ... types on a keyboard.
CJ Ellen : I suppose they hunt and peck?
SubGStang1 : He's the Prince of Love. I wasn't much of a sex
symbol, really, and "Bob" has been busy slacking off,
SubGStang1 : so he's our new Sex Symbol.
SubGStang1 : I should say, He is our new Sex Symbol. It's hard to
remember to capitalize Him.
SubGStang1 : He's not real stuck up about it, though.
CJ Ellen : Can I interrupt for one minute?
SubGStang1 : I should mention that more info re: Church can be
found at
SubGStang1 : Uh, yes?
CJ Ellen : We have an audience question. I don't know if it's
important or not.
SubGStang1 : I'm sure it IS!
CJ Ellen : But it might be vital to MF Beta. Here it is:
Question : Is X-Day in 1996 or 1998?
SubGStang1 : It damned well BETTER not be until July 5, 1998. If
that misprint in the first Book was NOT a misprint
SubGStang1 : we're in BIG trouble.
SubGStang1 : Praise MF Beta and Fool's Errand.
CJ Ellen : We also have a question from MsWishful:
Question : How can I get converted by this Prince of Love?
SubGStang1 : We ARE having a huge yearly CAMPOUT, every X-Day,
(July 5), called The X-Day Drills.
SubGStang1 : Seriously.
SubGStang1 : It's be like Woodstock in outer space, mixed with the
Brainbeau Gatherings and the Burning Woman fests.
SubGStang1 : To meet Jesus, the Prince of Love, or "Bob," the
Prince of Fools, or me,
SubGStang1 : the King of HATE, you should join the Church! Send $1
to PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214
OnlineHost : Rev. Ivan Stang and the new Church of the SubGenuis
Sex Cult.
SubGStang1 : Has a nice ring to it, huh. Only "Bob" is the star.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot EL DIABLO, our latest
SubGStang1 : preacher.
CJ Ellen : Kinda nice alliteration.:)
SubGStang1 : EL DIABLO from right here in Dallas. The Mexican
Satan, the Anglo Jesus, the Dot-Faced "Bob." We got '
SubGStang1 : 'em all, in one ring, no rules, any throw allowed.
CJ Ellen : DWeil2 says:
Comment : Ah...a Follywood reference Praise Bob!!!!
SubGStang1 : It'll be the battle of the ages. And it'll all be
LIVE on the Internet.
SubGStang1 : Follywood?
CJ Ellen : Hey, I don't make 'em, I just show 'em.
SubGStang1 : We need a bigger audience. I missed the Pope's
wedding for this. If I say SEX SEX SEX will
SubGStang1 : more people sign on??
CJ Ellen : Another fan sent this in:
SubGStang1 : Hey, Dobbs saves those who save themselves pal!
SubGStang1 : What do you think this is, one of those NORMAL
CJ Ellen : Rev, DerQ wants some advice:
SubGStang1 : Because we admit we're lying, this is therefore THE
SubGStang1 : Beat THAT logic!
Question : What advice do you have for those of us who are too
slack to get around to sending in the
Question : $30?
SubGStang1 : $30 for the full Membership poack, with doktorate,
holy ordainment papers, sick pics o' "Bob," and the
SubGStang1 : promised magazines that never come.
SubGStang1 : Well, they come eventually. But first you have to pry
'em off the Web.
SubGStang1 : We have discovered that the Web is cheaper than
CJ Ellen : And you can recycle the electrons?
SubGStang1 : But what gets me is, THIS BIZARRE RELIGION has a
BETTER WEBSITE than ANY other world religion.
SubGStang1 : I'm dead serious. What does that say about this sorry
state of affairs? Heck, the Vatican website
SubGStang1 : doesn't even have GIF movies or Java.
SubGStang1 : More audience. let me at 'em
CJ Ellen : Xspartacu wants to know:
Question : Will you be establishing any branch offices in Iran
or elsewhere in the muslim world?
SubGStang1 : That's a good question. We have TRIED and TRIED but
they keep chopping off the hands of our
SubGStang1 : missionaries. Of course our missionaries DO steal.
OnlineHost : SubGStang1=Rev. Ivan Stang of the Church of the
SubGenius Sex Cult.
SubGStang1 : I dunno if the Moslem world is into Slack as we know
it. Maybe they're ahead of us; I dunno.
CJ Ellen : Mpeek666 has a question for you too.
SubGStang1 : Hey, I would use my name as a "handle," but too many
other AOL users already have it.
SubGStang1 : WHIP IT OUT.
CJ Ellen : Here's the question from Mpeek666
Question : I have sent my money, am I really saved?
SubGStang1 : You will sit at the right hand of Dobbs and watch the
Normals die on 3D TV.
SubGStang1 : And if we turn out to be wrong, our policy has ALWAYS
SubGStang1 : Beat THAT offer, Mr. Moslem! Mr. Pope! Mr. Witch
SubGStang1 : Ms. New Age! Mz. Wiccan Priestess!
SubGStang1 : Ah, the audience is growing. Along Dobbs' ego, and
mine. AHHhhh yes.
SubGStang1 : This is what a preacher likes. That and money.
SubGStang1 : And salvation, yeah, mustn't forget that.
SubGStang1 : And the snake oil.
CJ Ellen : I hate to say this, but there is a disbeliever among
us. Want to hear what SandLette is asking?
SubGStang1 : WHAT!!?!? A HERETIC?!?!?
CJ Ellen : ::sighing sorrowfully:: Yes...
Question : Mr Stang..are you really a Rev...and have u heard
about the add in the Weekly World Wide
Question : News that lets u become a Reverand for free?
SubGStang1 : I am indeed a Minister in both Church of the
SubGenius, AND the Universal Life Church, which is
SubGStang1 : what you saw in that ad. PRAISE the ULC and Bishop
SubGStang1 : Home of the Universal Life Chuurch, AND THUNDERBIRD
SubGStang1 : Next question.
CJ Ellen : Rev, this audience definitely needs some slack!
Here's a comment from JKellerNY:
Comment : You are heathens...I worship the one true
god....Tootie from "The Facts of Life"
SubGStang1 : Oh, and kill that disbeliever, would you?
SubGStang1 : Destroy all the disbelievers. Or give them medals. We
don't care. Pull the Wool over your OWN eyes.
SubGStang1 : Relax in the safety of your own delusions.
SubGStang1 : You CAN learn to think for yourself.
SubGStang1 : But only "BOB" can show you how.
SubGStang1 : Next question. Bring on the sick and the lame.
Anybody need a healing? A sickening?
SubGStang1 : Need your Slack REMOVED??
CJ Ellen : You have a challenger.
SubGStang1 : Marriages performed, only $30.
CJ Ellen : Mpeek666 sent this in:
Comment : I am the new epopt of the church of the subgenius,
step down stang!!!!
and I are leaving for Costa Rica RIGHT NOW.
SubGStang1 : You can HAVE it pal.
CJ Ellen : Not until this show is over :)
SubGStang1 : Oh... alright. But make it snappy. I got fish to
catch, native boys to... oh scratch that.
CJ Ellen : You are needed here. For example, AngrySamo just sent
this up to the stage:
Question : Rev Stang, why do I keep killing animals?
SubGStang1 : Because they TASTE so good when you BURN them, that's
why I always did it.
SubGStang1 : I certainly wouldn't kill any animals for FUN. "Bob"
teaches us to LOVE all the animals.
SubGStang1 : To PHYSICALLY love them in fact.
SubGStang1 : In that respect I'm not really a very devout
SubGStang1 : Ah, but I remember that one doe... out in the
forest... oh well.
CJ Ellen : The next question is on your bookkeeping: From
Question : Reverend, I sent my money 7 years ago, received a
package, and heard nothing
Question : since....what's my status?
SubGStang1 : Well, where did you MOVE to? We CAN read minds, but
only within a certain range.
SubGStang1 : You should send your new address to, our new official email info
torture center
SubGStang1 : Thank you.
CJ Ellen : SendLette with a Praise Bob!:
SubGStang1 : Now for the next victim.
Comment : BoB For President in '97!!! Forget you Dole and Slick
SubGStang1 : ALL WORLDS OR NONE, that's our motto.
SubGStang1 : The PatrioPsychotic AnarchoMaterialist Party shall
SubGStang1 : Well, Dobbs said he WOULD accept County Weigher.
SubGStang1 : Or County Clerk.
SubGStang1 : NEXT.
CJ Ellen : BrettG 23 has a complaint about losing his slack:
Question : Rev, you want me to get off my butt and send you a
change of address???? What about my
Question : slack????
SubGStang1 : Where, where the heck are we supposed to SEND the
Slack? The stuff comes in 10-gallon buckets, you kno
SubGStang1 : w.
SubGStang1 : Boy, I love this 2-line limit.
SubGStang1 : Are you sure you WANT the Slack? SLACK can be....
well it can CHANGE you.
SubGStang1 : NEXT.
CJ Ellen : This audience is filled with eager converts-to-be.
Noluv4Uho wants to know:
Question : How do we get ahold of the church?
SubGStang1 : Bring on the suck... the seekers.
SubGStang1 : "BOB" DOBBS is at PO Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214
SubGStang1 : OR
SubGStang1 :
SubGStang1 : OR
SubGStang1 :
SubGStang1 : OR
SubGStang1 : ... I forgot. Oh yeah, a whole bunch of radio
stations on the East Coast.
SubGStang1 : Don't forget to send LARGE love offerings, and we
DON'T mean samples of bodily fluids.
CJ Ellen : CaptDry speaks of Bob:
SubGStang1 : Yes yes??
Question : What special thought does BOB have for us all on this
cinco de mayo? Anything regarding
Question : the ozone, or gold-by-the-inch?
SubGStang1 : Hey, "Bob," you can't fool me. That IS you asking
that question. "CaptDry." Heck I'd know "Bob's"
SubGStang1 : logic anywhere. HEY WHERE'S THAT CHECK YOU SAID WAS
SubGStang1 : Keep that guy offstage! Throw him out!
CJ Ellen : Now, about that Sex Cult thing...HildeSchu has a
question about hot tubs:
SubGStang1 : I could tell by the way he misspelled his own name
that that was "Bob." Only HE forgets the quotes.
Question : Is it trye t hat certain states are indulging in hot
tubs filled with slack, while we wait
Question : in line for the facial cream?
CJ Ellen : Were they "curly" quotes?
SubGStang1 : Well, the poorer States like Arkansas DO allow tubs
full of hot buttered Slack....
SubGStang1 : BUT in the richer more decadent states like
California and New York, they use Royal Jelly.
SubGStang1 : The real expensive kind, made from rare Chinese
Emperor bees.
SubGStang1 : This is a sign of the End Times.
SubGStang1 : It will trigger the Rupture to occur, and the ARISAL
is NIGH. Prepare to meet your doom.
SubGStang1 : And thank you for your cooperation.
CJ Ellen : CaptDry responds to your previous statement:
SubGStang1 : Some people wallow in vats full of Prairie Squid for
their Slack. That's the only way they can "get
SubGStang1 : off."
Comment : My clever button hurts...
SubGStang1 : My "clever button" was amputated right after I was
born. A barbaric practice.
SubGStang1 : Well, we're gaining audience, not losing.
SubGStang1 : More SEX. Must get MORE to SPEND TIME & $ ONLINE FOR
SubGStang1 : Call up ALL YOUR FRIENDS! We need RATINGS if we're
gonna save OR destroy the world.
CJ Ellen : Aren't sex and slack opposites?
SubGStang1 : Sex and Slack are SOMETIMES opposites, but no,
normally... it's just the opposite. Many of us cannot
SubGStang1 : tell them apart.
SubGStang1 : Which can lead to serious confusion in the pews at
our services.
SubGStang1 : We also get the nerve gas cannisters mixed up with
the cannisters full of souls. That REALLY caused
SubGStang1 : trouble at our Japanese branch.
SubGStang1 : NEXT.
SubGStang1 : Or kill me.
CJ Ellen : SendLette wants to hear more Slack.
SubGStang1 : You can "hear" Slack in the singings of the birds...
the burblings of brooks... the screams of those
SubGStang1 : swallowed up in boiling hot lava during volcanic
SubGStang1 : Slack is where you SEEK it, my child.
SubGStang1 : You can also order SubGenius Audio Cassette Ministry
tapes, only $8.50 each POST PAID!
SubGStang1 : from PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 (THE SUBGENIUS
Question : What radio stations play yer Slack? which states
SubGStang1 : You can hear Hour of Slack on the college stations
WFMU (East orange, NJ), ... WCSB, Cleveland.... WR
SubGStang1 : WREK, Atlanta... WZRD Chicago... I could go on... see
the website. KABF in Little Rock.
SubGStang1 : KPFA in Berkeley still has the Puzzling Evidence/ Dr.
Howl SubGenius show.
SubGStang1 : Soon there will be NOTHING but "Bob" on ALL airwaves.
SubGStang1 : Soon.
SubGStang1 : Next.
CJ Ellen : Dr Buboni wants to know:
Question : Is the Stark Fist of Removal Still publishing?
SubGStang1 : YES! It is publishing at 5000 pages in
SubGStang1 : and we'll be mailing a mailer by July 5. THIS year.
SubGStang1 : My ax needs sharpening. Bring more FOOLS.
SubGStang1 : AH, the sound of the digital chopping block.
SubGStang1 : The SMELL of the burning electrons. Smells like...
SubGStang1 : I am NOT insane, incidentally. I am the LAST SANE
SubGStang1 : Would a CRAZY man work for a Church like THIS???
SubGStang1 : Excuse me. Please continue.
CJ Ellen : Rev. Stang, we're almost out of time. Do you have any
thoughts you'd like to leave with the audience?
SubGStang1 : I would indeed like to leave with the audience. I
would like to take them all up in my arms and
SubGStang1 : leave with them, and we'd all go to a bar or the
circus or someplace fun.
SubGStang1 : I know. Let's meet behind the old 7-11 in Jonesboro.
I'll be the one with the white van. Bring the
CJ Ellen : Great idea!
SubGStang1 : tape deck, I'll bring the cooler chest. We'll have a
CJ Ellen : ::writing down directions::
SubGStang1 : You bring the neutron howitzers, I'll bring the
suntan lotion.
CJ Ellen : Rev., thanks for being our guest tonight. I think we
should make this a regular event.
SubGStang1 : You bring the cross, I'll bring the nails.
CJ Ellen : AOL definitely needs slack.
SubGStang1 : Well, you know, behind the scenes we've been
discussing just that.
CJ Ellen : $maybe a sex cult too :)
CJ Ellen : Great!
SubGStang1 : I've been amazed at how much you CAN get away with on
AOL now. I used to get censored just for my
SubGStang1 : NAME.
CJ Ellen : $we have to wrap it up now or get busted :)
SubGStang1 : We hope everyone gets some Slack tonight.
CJ Ellen : Indeed! Goodnight everyone.
SubGStang1 : Adios and goodnight.
OnlineHost : Copyright 1996 America Online, Inc.
CJ Ellen : $Good show tonight.
CJ Ellen : $audience wasn't bad either.
CJ Ellen : $well, gotta get offstage
SubGStang1 : $Yeah, I wanna go spy on the audience.
CJ Ellen : $Ok. see you later
SubGStang1 : $Thanks a million, ya'll.
CJ Grizzly : $Night Rev, Ellen :)



CaptDry : (1)softly
ACookie498 : (1)i am telling the truth about subgstang
ACookie498 : (1)he raped me
CaptDry : (1)good. me too.
CaptDry : (1)only i had to pay for it.
ACookie498 : (1)can i rape you now
ACookie498 : (1)shit
ACookie498 : (1)ass
ACookie498 : (1)fuck
ACookie498 : (1)tit
ACookie498 : (1)fag
ACookie498 : (1)crap
ACookie498 : (1)hello
NEAMATOAD : (1)po' strangey-wang he tyred he kant hang
Ken9Jack9 : (1)ya know, if it weren't for the fact that this was
a subg event, i'd sic TOS on cookie boy
ACookie498 : (1)i like you
MWSchultze : (3)Is it over now? What? The show! Oh? No!
Knownotnow : (3)Stang come back!!!!!
SendLetter : (1)Stang...having fun?
5/5/96 10:09:56 PM Closing Log file.


5/5/96 9:03:46 PM Opening "Instant Message Log 5/5/96" for recording.

WhirlGirl2: so...whatis janor doing these days?

SubGStang1: He's on the radio in Litle Rock, KABF

SendLetter: U Finally turned yer IM's on i see...

SubGStang1: Yeah but don't pester me, I'm trying to spy on the audience.

SendLetter: Damn...Rev Stang is prude =\ whatta role model

WhirlGirl2: do you know what time the hour of slack is broadcast on stanford radio...bay area...KZSU? i dont kno anymore.....praise "bob"...

SubGStang1: I don't think it's on there anymore.

Bye, I must go now.


SubGStang1: No

INTEL ART: What about your preface to the book of conspiracies ?

SubGStang1: Yeah what about it?? Jeez.
INTEL ART: You should be very familiar with the CIA activities aren't you ?

SubGStang1: NOBODY is. They only think they are. Even the CIA doesn't know what the CIA is doing. I must go now, bye.

INTEL ART: I will catch you later !!!

INTEL ART: Are you going to bring your thoughts to South America ?

INTEL ART: A comment before I go: Please, do not be a mind deceiver, it can work against everything you built for you, in this life time or your next time life, as well.

Miaplasidi: hi nice van can't wait for the party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SendLetter: Slack is Devine
JRDobbs: But annoyence is mine...
Rev.Stang: In the eye of the beholder is whats held.

5/5/96 10:09:59 PM Closing Log file.

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