ShorDurMar Categories

Witnessing Reverend Stang's mass marriages, and the degree of freedom he would give to his flock in their choice of partner (i.e. "Your car keys, your dog at home, "Bob"...), opened my eyes to the philisophical, religious, and cosmological varieties of "lifestyle" that ONLY the Church of the SubGenius, and an enthusiastic Clench, could provide! Therefore, I set a team of dedicated Grand Clavistry of NYC Maritochromologists to work on categorizing and dividing the different manners by which a person could get "hitched". Their research was impeccable, even though the subject matter was confusing, contradictory, and downright peculiar. Who understands love? Not I! Regardless, though, I am now proud to present: The 40 types of Marriage (including numerous odd un-official types) in the Clavistry Division Tradition:

First, the colors themselves, for easy mixing and matching: Red, Orange, Goldenrod, Yellow, Lemon Yellow, Lime Green, Forest Green, Sea Green, Sky Blue, Navy Blue, Indigo, Violet, Purple, Lavender, Black, Dark Grey, Light Grey, White, Bone (Off-White), Tan, Sand, Brown, Turquoise, Silver, Gold, Copper, Marroon, Pink, Chartreuse, Puce, Brass, Peach, Mahogany, Olive, Vermillion, Cinammon, Aquamarine, Ultramarine, Slate, Magenta, Salmon


1. A standard marriage between two present, willing live conscious aware people. These are White Marriages.

(From now on, "the betrothed" is taken to mean "one present, willing live conscious aware person". Godot.)

2. A marriage between the betrothed and a non-present, live individual who is not considered "unreachable" for reasons of celebrity and/or status; an absentee marriage. These are Navy Blue Marriages.

3. A marriage between the betrothed and a non-present, live individual who IS considered "unreachable" for reasons of celebrity and/or status; a celebrity-fantasy marriage. This includes famous living animals, like Mike the Dog, becuase the absent nature of the star obviates the usual need for sentient acquiescence. These are Sky Blue Marriages.

4. A marriage between the betrothed and the spirit or "identity" of a dead person. For instance, in marrying "Marilyn Monroe" you marry not the little rotting bits in her coffin, but the soul or essence of who she was/is/always will be. Despite the non-incarnate nature of the 'mate', these marriages are considered Bone (or Off-White) Marriages.

5. A marriage between the betrothed and an animal or otherwise LIVING motile organism without the sentience to comprehend (or means to provide "consent" for) the union, including mammals, reptiles, insects... anything in the Animal family; blood and/or guts. These are Red Marriages. Arf!

6. A marriage between the betrothed and a LIVING plant. This includes all "higher" plants, trees, bushes, vines... anything with leaves, needles, etc. Anything in the Plant Family. These are Forest Green Marriages.

7. A marriage between the betrothed and a LIVING lower life-form. This includes algae, viruses, amoebas, and all other "lowest" organisms. Anything in the algae, monera, or protista families. These are Sea Green Marriages.

8. A marriage between the betrothed and an object, corpse, dead organism, piece of a dead organism, place, thing, or otherwise recognizable physical article or item (this does not include mythical, debated, or spiritual objects or realms like Valhalla or the Spear of Destiny). These are Yellow Marriages.

9. A marriage between the betrothed and a mythical, debated, or otherwise spiritual object, realm, or other noun (LIKE Valhalla, the Spear of Destiny, "Bob's" pipe, etc.) These are Lemon Yellow Marriages.

10. A marriage between the betrothed and a concept that, although physical in nature, requires some degree of mental cogitation to reconcile, like "the wind" or "dogs" IN GENERAL as opposed to a specific mundane object or instance. These are Goldenrod Marriages.

11. A marriage between the betrothed and an intellectual, social or mental concept, like "injustice" or "the feeling you get when you remember where you left something" or "the price of cheese in Denmark"; a concept that, although possibly concerning things IN the physical universe, is beyond it in mental complexity. In other words, something you can't even BEGIN to try and put on the floor next to you for the ceremony. These are Orange Marriages.

12. A marriage between the betrothed and a generally fictional 'character', whether cinematic, literary, legendary or otherwise (Paul Bunyan, Captain Ahab, etc.): any "person" who, through social consciousness or fable, develops a pseudo-legitimate identity. These are Violet Marriages.

13. A marriage between the betrothed and a diety, numen, spirit, god, or otherwise purely spiritual entity. These are Grey Marriages: Light Grey Marriages (for benevolent or "good" gods, AND/OR neutral or all- encompassing ones) and Dark Grey Marriages (for malevolent or "evil" gods).

14. A marriage between the betrothed and "Bob". This is a Gold Marriage.

15. A marriage in which the betrothed marries him/her/itself. This is a Silver Marriage.

16. A marriage between the betrothed and EVERYTHING. This is a Black Marriage.

A marriage in which NEITHER of the concerned parties is a present, willing, live conscious aware person:

17. ...this may be simply a flexing of the eccleciastical "muscles" (marrying your dog and your car-keys, for instance); keeping in practice. (These are Tan Marriages),

18. ...a marriage between two dead entities (for instance, marrying River Phoenix and Brando's kid -- these are Sand Marriages),

19. ...or a marriage in which one or more of the parties is a metaphysical or spiritual entity, where the ceremony is performed for the purpose of binding, tricking, or otherwise involving such an entity with or without its consent. (For instance, one can 'marry' Wotan to a knife to 'sanctify' the knife, {in an odd, sideways kind of way}.) These are Brown Marriages.

[Please note that this last category of ceremony is extremely dangerous without proper ritual safeguards.]

20. A marriage in which one or more of the concerned parties is present and alive, but NOT willing, cognizant and/or conscious. This is a Pink Marriage, by its very nature, and is authorized by neither the SubGenius Foundation NOR O.L.I.N.Y.K. nor the First SubGenius MegaClavistry of NYC, NOR by any True SubGenius. Bad dog! BAD DOG!!

--- Other, less official, wildly-debated forms of SubGenius Marriage

a. An Indigo Marriage is a marriage between a person and a concept, whereafter the person attempts to assert the legal validity of the marriage onto users, thinkers, or employers of that concept. (I.e. attempting to collect royalties from jazz bands because you've married the "Jazz" concept.)

b. Similarly, a Lavender Marriage is a marriage between a person and a concept "owned" by an individual thinker or philosopher, whereafter the person attempts to gain entrance into the thinker's life as an "in-law". (I.e. marrying "future shock" and trying to move in with Alvin Toffler.)

c. A Marroon Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and a famous deceased animal or organism, like Lassie or Mendel's pea-plants. This marriage, by combining aspects of the Green/Red, Bone and Sky-Blue Marriages, is just plain silly, but interesting, if you're going to really get INTO it.

d. A Turquoise Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and a mystical/mythical, legendary, non-present edible or consumable food, drink, or medicinal material or substance. This includes, among other things, 'Frop, Alice's mushrooms, Ambrosia, etc. Debate surrounds the separation of this category from the Lemon Yellow Category, but the separation was made when the connection was made to the "living" or "organic" nature of the material in question (i.e. hops, hemp, at al).

e. A Copper Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and Connie Dobbs. The debate centers around whether Connie, being closer to mortality than "Bob", is 'allowed' to marry outside her primary wedlock. We haven't heard yet, either way. We also haven't tried it.

f. A Lime Green Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and any part of their own body. This is disparate from a Silver Marriage in that the body part is considered a physical concept rather than an identity.

g. A Chartreuse Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and any present, willing, live, conscious, physical, NON-HOMO SAPIENS entity: this includes alien beings, AI's, and any naturally or artificially introduced sapient animals, places, or things. The debate here is whether any such entities exist, or, more to the point, whether they want to get married.

h. A Puce Marriage is a provisional "renewal of vows" between "Bob" and Connie. Although they have, no doubt, renewed these vows (and many others besides) before, they are also both notorious for breaking them. This color marriage has been suggested as a spiritual 'reinforcement', useful for strengthening the bonds between these two, and hence, keeping "Bob" in line.

i. A Brass Marriage is, or rather was, a marriage between "Bob" and Connie. By this we mean the ORIGINAL Marriage of "Bob" and Connie. They're still married, so, to date, this marriage has really only been performed once, and until they get divorced and the decide to ShorDurMar for OUR benefit, we just include this one for thoroughness's sake.

j. A Peach Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and any non- present entity whose tangibility or existence is either denied, speculated or otherwise in question. This includes beings such as distant extraterrestrials, insinuated 'underground leaders' and 'Mr. X'-types, or any being where a degree of creative license must be used to 'fill in the blanks' and 'set the record straight', so to speak.

k. A Mahogany Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and the Conspiracy. Boooo... HISSSSSS!!! (Your choice, pal! Marry it and henpeck it, for all the good it'll do you. The Con is an abusive kind of spouse!)

l. An Olive Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and a group of people, like the San Diego Padres, or everyone in the audience at an AC/DC concert. This is controversial, as the insinuation is that, rather than marrying the concept of the group, you have married each and every member of that group. This constitutes bigamy, and is therefore a bit iffy.

m. A Vermillion Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and an animal in which the marriage is consummated either during or after the ceremony, on the animal's terms. This is rather controversial, as well as likely illegal in most states, so its practice will have to remain "allowed" in Church liturgy without being particularly condoned. Eeep.

n. A Cinammon Marriage is a marriage between two animals, in which the animals then consummate their wedlock in a suitable manner. It's allowed, sure, but the animals won't likely care about the ceremony OR put on the rings you bought!

o. An Aquamarine Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and an organism living symbiotically with him/her/it. This includes tick-birds, helpful bacteria; any organism in a mutually satisfactory bio-ecological relationship. (Note that this ceremony is NOT recommended for two humans living together in such a relationship: the gods often frown on metaphor.)

p. An Ultramarine Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and an organism living parasitically with him/her/it. This includes leeches, lampreys, tapeworms; any organism in a freeloading relationship with the other. (See o. Aquamarine for warning.)

q. A Slate Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and a demigod. This includes any semi-divine or partially-celestial being (ex. Jesus of Nazareth, Hercules, Krishna, Janor) - anyone accepted as being somewhat terrestrial and somewhat ethereal. The controversy arises when the existence of the being is called into question, as well as proof of their divinity. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Whatever happened to FAITH!?!

r. A Magenta Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and a fictional anthropomorphicized "funny-animal" cartoon-character type. This includes such figures as Bugs Bunny, Pogo Possum, McGruff the Crime Dog, etc. The controversy... oh, hell, there's no controversy, it's just a weird subcategory of Red and Violet that is interesting enough to rank its own color.

s. A Salmon Marriage is a marriage between the betrothed and an 'imaginary friend' of any type. This is where it is admitted that the "spouse" is a figment, fabrication, extension or construct of the mind or psychic abilities of the first person. This includes computer simulations of people in which the simulation has not passed any approved Turing Tests for true AI certification, and, consequently, is assumed to be "assigned" individual status by the bethrothed, as in the case with an imaginary friend.

t. A Purple Marriage is virtually identical to a Violet Marriage, except that the betrothed is marrying a legendary figure as played by a specific real person! For example, I could choose to marry Supergirl from the comic books (Violet), OR I could choose to marry Supergirl as played by Helen Slater in Supergirl (Purple). Neat, eh?

Rationale for the Assignment of Colors (for bathroom reading!)

1. White. It goes with everything. It's a nice, neutral, 'average' wedding.

2. Navy Blue. The color of the sea, which is a nice stereotypical symbol of
"separation" from your betrothed.

3. Sky Blue. Similarly, a symbol of your desired "fantasy-mate" being forever as 'out of reach' as the sky itself.

4. Bone (Off-White). The person, at some point, had a skeleton, right? The deceased nature of the mate lends itself to morbid, bone references.

5. Red. As said, anything with blood (or whatever passes for blood in bugs.) Meant to differentiate from Green Marriages.

6. Forest Green. Meant to symbolize that whatever you are marrying is either a tree, or close enough to fit into the same category.

7. Sea Green. Algae is what makes the sea green. Anything else in this category is probably more at home in some sort of liquid.

8. Yellow. At this point, the colors become less directly symbolic and more
relatively interlocked. Case in point, yellow as a point in the spectrum is
chosen to represent innanimate, non-special physical objects. Or, if you like,
yellow is a good moldy, festering color (corpses, see... never mind.)

9. Lemon Yellow. Almost like Yellow, but a bit more interesting, therefore a bit lighter.

10. Goldenrod. One step up in the realm of concepts towards Red, but passing through Orange on the way. It's all in the mind.

11. Orange. One step away from Red, but not quite there, obviously. Physical existence is the connection. Get it? Eh?

12. Violet. Again, we have a combination, of sorts, between a physical organism (Red) and a pipe-dream (Navy Blue). Voila - purple!

13. Grey. Halfway between a person (White) and the universe (Black), the demeanor of the diety notwithstanding. Appropriate, n'est pas?

14. Gold. Gold is the color of money. "Bob" is the culler of money.

15. Silver. A mirror, in which you see... you! (I'm kinda proud of that one!)
6. Black. Obviously meant to represent the inky infinity of isness.

17. Tan. If anything, you could think of this marrying practice as "getting
a tan", or "tanning your hides". If you like. It's also connected to Brown,
but, being a bit safer, its a bit 'lighter'. Good enough?

18. Sand. Like Bone, but twice so, since they are BOTH dead. {"Like sands
through an hourglass...", etc. etc.} Still can be trouble, if the spirits are
unusually tenacious. I wouldn't try it on any deceased fakirs or anything.

19. Brown. Think about how you will shit yourself if you screw this one up,
or how you will end up in the ground if you can't fix it afterwards...

20. Pink. As mentioned. Nothing could be further from "The Truth".

a. Indigo. Color-wise, it's closer to pipe-dreams, at least in terms of futility.
b. Lavender. Closer to an individual (white), but still silly.
c. Marroon. More or less covered in the description. Good luck.
d. Turquoise. Because you asked for it! A mystical, mythical(?), famous, absent food [or, ahem, otherwise ingestible] substance. [By the way, if you actually have 'frop PRESENT at the ceremony, I would request an invitation...]
e. Copper. Close to Gold as "Bob" will let us get.
f. Lime Green. Sorta living, sorta self, sorta object. It's a spiritual thing.
g. Chartreuse. It's a being, but it's not a person. But is it an animal?
h. Puce. A marriage between two non-present, mystical/mythical beings. Mu?
i. Brass. Obviously, a combination of Copper and Gold. Only better. Heh.
j. Peach. Close to Pink in its sort of "we can't actually GET permission"
stance, but tied too closely to myths and dreams to be legitimately improper. Many of the weirder categories preclude mutual consent, anyhow.
k. Mahogany. This IS the color of expensive desks and paneling, in't it?
l. Olive. Reminds one of khaki uniforms, hence of assemblies and other groups.
m. Vermillion. A loud, excited sort of Red, therefore representing a lout,
excited sort of animal marriage. So to speak.
n. Cinammon. Like Vermillion, but with 2 non-humans (Tan), hence the color.
o. Aquamarine. Symbiote. A variety of blue-green, at least as marriages go.
p. Ultramarine. See Aquamarine. The two ARE similar, but so are the colors.
q. Slate. Halfway between the Blues (not here and/or godlike people) and Grey (gods). That is, the entity is, and the color is! It's perfect!!
r. Magenta. An odd subcategory and/or combination of legends, imagination,
and the invention of an indeterminate number of (often) untraceable people.
s. Salmon. Close to Peach and Pink. Our eyes are WAY too precise for our own good!
t. Purple. As said, almost identical to Violet, but a bit closer to Sky Blue.

Hope you like it. For more senseless glabber, send keys to:

P.O. BOX 2559
NEW YORK, NY 10163-2559

Thanks, and GOOOOOOD _NIGHT_!!!

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