Iain Cunningham (firstname.lastname@example.org) wrote:
: Yes quite, but to all the subgenii out there (is that the right word
: for the acolytes (?) of Bob?), I have a few questions for you all.
: 1) The purpose of the Church of the SubGenius, what is it?
: 2) What is, and how do I achieve slack?
: 3) Is there a FAQ for this group that answers my questions? If so
: where is it?
You have in fact just posted the Frequently Asked Questions.
This is the one and only newsgroup in all of Usenetdom which is honest
enough to call the frequently asked questions just that, and not some boring list of Frequently Supplied Answers to Frequently Asked Questions (FSAtFAQ).
You want answers, make them up yourself, or fork over the cash.
Both, actually. Not to be snotty or anything -- that's just how it is.
(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Hypercyberelectronetworkminister,
ll ll genetically perfect Yeti specimen,
amateur astronaut, author of "The Non-Sequitur Dictionary".
Verifiable revelations and miracles, prepared while you wait.
Remember, "Bob" loves you. I will too, for the right price.
Superior Mutants! Salvation is at hand! For details send $1:
The SubGenius Foundation, PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
email@example.com The Doctor is on.
Subject: Re: ARTICLE IN FACE MAGAZINE
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Lou Duchez)
email@example.com (Iain Cunningham) wrote:
> Yes quite, but to all the subgenii out there (is that the right word
> for the acolytes (?) of Bob?), I have a few questions for you all.
> 1) The purpose of the Church of the SubGenius, what is it?
Slack, Time Control, and Supremacy over the Humans.
> 2) What is, and how do I achieve slack?
Slack is ... indescribable. Slack comes when the Luck Plane aligns
itself with you, and everything happens the way you want it. This is
not some wussy philosophy where you kill the ego, but BLOAT it because
you know that you'll get everything you want.
When you're a kid on Christmas morning, surrounded by your recently-
opened toys, there is Slack. The first time you ask a girl out and
she says "yes" enthusiastically, there is Slack. When events just
seem to "connect" around you, there is Slack.
BUT! So many mere Humans confuse Slack with money. Money can help
with Slack, but it is by no means a substitute for Slack. Slack
involves being able to appreciate what you have. So Slack is not just
material success, but a mental attitude that is not fettered by
standard Human neuroses.
> 3) Is there a FAQ for this group that answers my questions? If so
> where is it?
The FAQ ... there is not really one. Less than a week ago, someone
was asking yer questions, and I tossed together something to hopefully
> That's all really. I found out a little bit about the Church from
> an article in "SKY" magazine (published in the UK), on the worship
> of Bob.
It's "Bob", always in quotes. Why, I don't know; but it is.
> The article gave more
> questions than answers really, it did mention that the Church has
> a branch in the UK, in Brighton, is this the only one? Or is it
> a wholly Merkin enterprise.
You are welcome to start your own branch, you know. You don't even
need to worry too much about "orthodoxy", since you are ENCOURAGED
to schism at the first available opportunity.
Just because you aren't "bad" doesn't mean you're "good." If you aren't
DOING anything about the Bad Guys, you're nothing but a "plot device" that
the Bad Guys OR the Good Guys are going to USE.
Subject: Re: ARTICLE IN FACE MAGAZINE
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Poopie the Sailor Man)
email@example.com (Iain Cunningham) writes:
:1) The purpose of the Church of the SubGenius, what is it?
It's for people like us. For some morbid yucks. For some
bludgeon humor. It's for laughs. It's for something that's
hard to explain unless you send a dollar to Texas. Our currency
is devalued well enough that EVERYONE in the FORMER FREE-WORLD can
afford to send a dollar to find out what it is. Or I could
twiddle the computer a bit to bring up an online propaganda file.
It's paint-by-numbers surrealism and prepackaged counter-culture
in a convient over the counter extra big one size mocks all
world religions one-world religion-to-end-all-cults. Visit a
Web-site in Ireland sir?
:2) What is, and how do I achieve slack?
Slack? It's sort of like an orgasm. Except it's more difficult
to explain. It's how you feel after you've screwed yourself
REAL GOOD. I mean a REALLY great MIND FUCK that leaves you just
floating around out there in the further reaches of ETERNITY
drifting on a cloud of 'Frop-smoke ('Frop is *not* *a* *drug*,
it's a herb that only grows at... Oh, buy the Church Pamphlet
and smoke *that*... it's the next best thing.)
Slack is whatever you want it to be, only it's BETTER than that.
:3) Is there a FAQ for this group that answers my questions? If so
: where is it?
SubG/SubG_Application.txt <--- How about this file?
[Caution: some of the prices have been changed to protect the
guilty and screw the innocent. One dollar still buys
the amazing Church Pamphlet. Domestic customers only.
Overseas customers? A dollar plus postage to whereever
you want it sent. This is the most important Church
dogma there is and I'm bumbling it. But the SubGenius
Bulldada Time Control is very tolerant toward bumbling
except where money's concerned. Don't tell anyone
in Texas who or where you got this from, OK? Thanks.
Now I know how it feels to be a Mooney. Glad I'm not
one. The Church gives you a chance to experience all
the thrills and chills of being with Reverend Jim Jones
in the jungles of Guiana and/or David Koresh in the
praires of Texas. But without all the annoying sniper
fire and leaches. Quiet! The included file is starting.]
WHAT THE H E L L DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
It should be painfully obvious by now that the world as we know it
won't last too damn much longer. And what are you doing about it?
Going to work or school, coming home, goofing around. What will
happen to your routine when all the shit comes down on us at once?
Don't you feel responsible for trying to help this endangered planet?
No? Good. The fact is, it's too late. There isn't a god-damned
thing you as an individual can do about eco-disaster, nuclear death,
overpopulation and so on. Things are going to Hell on a fast train
and about the only thing you, or anyone else besides the Rockefellers,
can do about it is to just sit back and watch the show.
But remember - the End of the World may be much worse and take
much longer than you thought. The mere act of sitting at home
watching everything fall apart on your TV may be too much for even the
stoutest brains to take. In fact, the more alert and intelligent you
are, the quicker you'll likely be driven to suicide by the sheer
hideousness of what you'll be seing. WILL YOU BE READY?
WILL YOU STLL BE SANE ENOUGH TO LAUGH WHEN "THAT WHICH MUST COME TO PASS," COMES TO PASS? WILL YOU EVER GET SLACK??
Study our SubGenius "literature" closely. Keep it by your toilet
and memorize it. If you aren't as dense as most people, you'll be
quick to realize that, cheesy scam though it MIGHT WELL BE, the Church
of the SubGenius is just about the only organization around that can
help you face the god-awful facts without some kind of ingratiating,
sweetness-and-light, goody-two-shoes, pollyanna, life-is-a-bowl-of-
cherries bullshit. NOT ONLY THAT, but the Church of the SubGenius is
beyond the shadow of a doubt THE ONLY TRUE RELIGION. We perform
miracles, answer ANY questions, invoke demons, and have a direct
etheric hotline to the space god JEHOVAH 1 through our infra-psychic
trance-babbling Personal Savior, J. R. "BOB" Dobbs--who is actually a
pretty regular guy, just very rich and possessed by forces greater
The SubGenius material has only recently been made public. This
is your chance to get in on the ground floor of a huge, lucrative
cult--NOW, while the rates are low, so that you will not only receive
the immediate benefits listed on our Application Coupon, but will also
be eligible for all the $$$, weird sex, drugs, and sheer POWER OVER
OTHERS that go with high-ranking membership in what will probably
sweep this unkempt planet in an unstoppable wave of cynical, dangerous
power plays, insanely morbid truths and panhandling, zombie-like
For the sake of what little you still hold dear, we urge you to
submit this application so that we may determine if you are worthy to
receive the closest thing to salvation you'll ever get a whiff of.
(If you are rich, your money can buy you your own
personal Church and Congregation. Write for details.)
"Researching the Public's Fear of the Unknown Since 1953!"
T H E C H U R C H O F T H E S U B G E N I U S (TM)
P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
APPLICATION COUPON AND ORDER FORM Sign Up Now and SAVE $5,000!
To the Sacred Scribe of the FisTemple Lodge of the Church of the Subgenius:
P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214, U.S.A.
I have___ have not___ completed the Application Questionnaire and,
if I am found worthy, or even if I am not, I will henceforth consider
myself a SubGenius or something like one, such as (fill in if
___ $20 for CHURCH MEMBERSHIP & ORDAINMENT
Includes STARK FIST subscription, Pamphlet #1, Catalog, Membership
Credentials, orientation materials, posters, documents, stickers,
charts, and such privileges which befit priesthood in a secret society
of this scope. Includes wallet-sized MEMBERSHIP CARD making you an
Ordained SubGenius Minister. !!! This is the only way to get on the
permanent mailing list and pierce the shround of secrecy which
insulates the cult !!!
___ $1 for THE SUBGENIUS CATALOG
Books, posters, MEDIA BARRAGE CASSETTE TAPES BEYOND BELIEF, bumper stickers, buttons, T-shirts, gizmos, leaflets. Very detailed, a laff-
'n-salvation riot in its own right.
___ $3 for SAMPLE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL Magazine
With Facts about Dobbs, Other Mutants, Prescriptures, comics pages,
letters, instructions, interviews, dating service, etc. Takes weeks to
___ $1 each for SUBGENIUS PAMPHLET #1
("The World Ends Tomorrow and You MAY DIE") the one 16-page power-
packed publication that started it all. So dense with information that
many persons have gotten lost in it FOREVER. Superb introductory
propaganda and excellent for just leaving randomly in laudromats,
restrooms, etc. INSTANT SALVATION FOR ONLY ONE DOLLAR!
___ $8 each for CASSETTE TAPES
90 Min. each -- stereo -- color. The MEDIA BARRAGE TAPES, as heard on radio. "Bob" speaks through his Ministers; he speaks to YOU.
Documentary/propagandoid Lessons and Revelations far beyond any
present medium .. a TOTALLY NEW GENRE. Good for over 75 close listenings. Fast-paced, dense with shocking juxtapositions, special effects. Makes New Wave even older than it is. Unbelievable sequences from 1) THE REAL WORLD (radio, TV, insane preachers, weird cults), 2) THE LIVE
CHURCHES OF THE SUBGENIUS (excerpts from SubGenius radio and TV
interviews, sacred trace spouting, revivals, Doktormusick, songs,
chants, rants, and preaching), and 3) LURID ENTERTAINMENT (choice
clips from horror, porn, bulldada films). Savage; joyful; monstrous.
Useful for seductions.
"From a radio standpoint, it's up there with Firesign Theater, Lenny
Bruce, Monty Python, Ken Nordine, and The Shaggs. And Jean Shepherd.
And Norman Vincent Peale. And ... yes, Dobbs has forever entered our
lives and language." -- Irwin Chusid
BRAND NEW TAPES! BEST YET!
___ 10: "REPENT!" (The Conspiracy)
___ 11: "SHUT UP, PINK BOY" (Aliens + Nukes)
___ 12: "SLACK!" + Best SubGenius Radio
___ $11.00 THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS (Ask for it at any bookstore.)
Published by McGraw-Hill. 200 pages, 8.5x11 large softbound Horror
Bible. After this, you'll never have to read another book as long as
you live. Contains all answers to everything, plus profuse
illustrations and diagrams. Encompasses life of "Bob," entire past and
future history of Earth, and all instructions you'll ever need for
success, happiness, and psychic wealth in The End Times. BEYOND "HIP" OR "FUNNY;" the "Sistine Chapel" of the 20th Century.
___ $1.00 STICKERS
Hundreds of little lick-n-stick SubGenius ads and mysterious
statements. "Drive your hometown insane." Great for envelopes, toilet
TOTAL ENCLOSED: _________________________
All prices include postage. Outside USA - ADD $2
Caution! Warning! Disclaimer!
Because the SubGenius inner mysteries, dark rites, abhorrent
rituals, loathsome secrets and repugnant initiations reach into the
so-called "evil" and "conspiratorial" realms as well as the ordinary,
unforbidden sciences and magicks, they must never be allowed to fall
into the wrong hands. There are some things Man was not meant to own,
especially Regular Man; while the use of SubGenius concepts and tools
may be informative, amusing, and effective in gaining Something for
Nothing, THEY ARE NOT TOYS.
I therefore swear that I am at least 18 years of age and,
furthermore, that I will keep private all reading matter, taped
discourses, graven images, and other cult secrets. If I do not uphold
this ancient trust I am prepared to meet the Stark Fist of Removal.
PRINT YOUR NAME AND MAILING ADDRESS:
No obligation. No Salesmen. Name(s):
The Church of the SubGenius Address:
P.O. Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214 City-State and Zip:
Make check or money order to: The
SubGenius Foundation, Inc. Money
back if not satisfied.
The Church of the SubGenius APPLICATION QUESTIONNAIRE
Don't spend too long on any one question, and don't answer any if you
think they're in bad taste, which they may indeed be. Use a seperate
page if necessary. Or else just blow off this whole questionnaire.
(Watch the Newsletter for compiled results. Don't worry -- your name
won't be used.)
Have you been getting any lately? How are you?
Age: Sex: Color of skin, if any:
Occupation: Monthly Earnings:
Childhood Religion: Previous Mystic Groups:
Name a couple of your favorite types or creators of:
MOVIES, TV: MUSIC:
Other favorite things, hobbies:
Somewhere on this sheet, draw a simple pic of you, God, and your ego.
When you die, where will you go?
By what means would you most like to die?
How and when, if ever, do you think the world will "end" or change
The future will be fun not so fun pretty much like it is now.
Name the three most fearsome things you think face the U.S.:
Describe yourself in a few carefully chosen words:
Current Short Duration Personal Saviors, if any:
What makes you think you're a SubGenius, huh? What's the deal here?
Just what do you have to say for yourself?
YES or NO Questions
Simply put a Y or N after each question, or SO for 'sort of'
Do you sometimes look back at yourself 3 or 4 years ago and think,
"God, what a jerk?"
Do you hear voices muttering in your head, faint and indistinct?
Do you use credit cards irresponsibly in hopes of later payment?
Do you get messages from space beamed into your skull?
Are you a 'packrat,' do you hoard material goods you'll probably never use?
Do you enjoy filing, stacking, resorting them?
Would you love to go looting during a riot?
Do you worry about your brain?
Do you dream of controlling the world?
When you were a child, did you torture small animals and bugs?
Do you find it utterly impossible to comprehend the opposite sex?
Do you get psychosomatic headaches?
Does your temper stay dormant most of the time, only to suddenly
explode into quasi-insane rage?
Do you like to drive fast as hell, with your car stereo cranked up all
Do you often 'tune out' the world while concentrating?
Do you feel you "march to the beat of a drunken drummer?"
Do you forget where you just put things?
Do you catch yourself shooting off at the mouth?
Do you sometimes want to fire a dear rifle into your TV?
Do you often lie when the truth would suffice?
Do you blurt out well-meant but uncouth statements and then
immediately regret it?
Do you sometimes smash the shit out of your finger when using a hammer?
Do you have spells during which you are pissed off or depressed for
what you later decide was no good reason?
Would you really rather sit around and watch TV than go out?
Do you deliberately work at an honest but menial job, even though you
could be making big $$$ as an ass-kissing executive?
Do you look down on those who would rather do idiot labor or go on the
dole than try to achieve, as you have done?
Are you fairly well assured that you're smarter than the average gazooba?
Do you get fixated on one amusing little activity and then 'go at it,'
day and night?
Are you scientific rather than superstitious?
Do you avoid looking too closely at beautiful 13 year old girls? Boys?
When you get impatient with an inanimate object, do you tear it all to
At night at home alone, are you sometimes convinced that Charles
Manson is in your closet?
Do you instinctively imitate dialects and mannerisms when describing a
Do certain textures or noises make your skin crawl?
Do you often stay up all night?
Does money 'burn a hole in your pocket?'
Does everything seem a little unreal to you?
Do you have certain secrets that no one else knows?
Have you ever had a psychic experience? Seen a UFO?
Do you let jobs stack up, rationalizing that you work better under
Does disorder in your work area drive you nuts?
Do you spout broad generalizations on subjects about which you know
little or nothing?
Do you find human folly amusing? Do you live in your own little world?
Do you like to go out at night with friends, being rowdy and
disturbing the peace, drinking and terrorizing citizens?
Do you get all cranked up and make elaborate plans that will never
come off in a million years?
Do you always need to fart during the most solemn occasions?
When you see someone in pain or discomfort do you laugh, or want to?
Married? Divorced? Do you have enough Slack?
Do you recognize the necessity for law and order?
Do you like your job/school/chores? Paid enough?
In general, do you really give a shit?
Do you read much? Watch the news much?
Do you compulsively read any inane thing (labels, ads) that happens to
be within vision?
Do you sometimes get the impression that EVERYBODY of the opposite (or
otherwise desired) sex is repulsed by you?
If we invaded little countries or fought Russian with N-bombs, would
you coddle draft dodgers? Would you get the fuck out of the country?
Do people consider you odd?
Do you have different personalities according to who you're talking to?
Do you sometimes make faces, sing, twitch, etc. for no sane reason?
Would you just as soon let others make the tedious decisions?
Do you behave differently with family than with friends?
Does everything always take twice as long and cost twice as much as
you thought it would? Are you always late?
Do you easily 'blow things off' and procrastinate?
Is today's youth more fucked up than the previous generation?
Do you clown around a lot? Do your face and voice change grotesquely
when you get excited?
Do you ignore your health for long periods?
Do you sometimes get all 'spaced out' and 'dingy' for no apparent
Do you feel paranoia about people watching you and laughing at you?
Do you ever dream you are in elementary school, and you suddenly
notice you are wearing no pants?
When you were a little kid, if you tapped the left side of your chair
a few times, did you then feel compelled to tap the right side of your
chair an exactly equal number of times?
Do you sometimes go out beating up strangers?
Do you occasionally shoplift 'in revenge?'
Do you go on drug binges occasionally?
Are you more or less cheerful around others?
Do you sometimes think you should 'quit?'
Do you or did you do lousy things to your elders, just to bug them?
Every now and then, do you tie up blind amputee women and indulge in
mud sports, canings, and Tasmanian Culture?
Do you have an phobias, fears, compulsions?
Do you sometimes dwell morbidly on things like sickness, world
problems, death, drugs, pain, perversion?
Are you even slightly sick in the head?
Do you sometimes fret irrationally over friends and loved ones?
Do you actually FEAR "Bob" at times?
Do you figure there's a big depression on the way?
Do you think the aliens will stop us from destroying ourselfs?
Do you often dream about a post-holocaust world in which you are top
caveman? Have you lost pretty much ALL faith in the government?
Do you bite into an apple and then worry about the weird, chemical
taste on the skin?
Do you use our nation's President as a scapegoat?
Do you think justice can be 'bought?'
Do you instinctively feel that all public figures are liars?
Do you automatically dislike members of strange religious cults?
When you get home from work, would you just as soon watch some cheap,
stupid entertainment as more educational fare?
Do certain 'types' of people get under your skin?
Does it irritate the hell out of you to see writers use cliches?
Do you fall madly in love, ALL THE TIME?
CIRCLE THE ANSWERS WHICH APPLY:
Which of the following words describe YOU?
City person; country person; suburbanite; hetero, homo, bi, omni-,
or a-sexual; "good;" "bad;" sensitive; tough; frustrated; satisfied;
athletic; healthy; ill; wimp; sane; half-cocked; insane;
absent-minded; alert; friendly; cagey; sullen; antisocial; goofy; a
funny person in conversation; tired; energetic; nervous; loose;
lively; a wallflower; quiet; loud; blue collar; white collar; no
collar; talented; untalented; intellectual; no-bullshit; moody; weird;
normal; depressed; manic; neurotic; psychotic; renegade; aggressive;
subdued; nice; grouchy; optimistic; cynical; pessimistic; smart;
stupid; in-between; genius; crafty; shitty; nowhere; rich;
middle-class; poor; handicapped; macho; educated; uneducated;
overeducated; and finally, are you an EMERGENTILE, a REWARDIAN, or
merely a MEDIOCRETIN?
Which of the following 'phenomena' do you more or less believe in?
UFOs; astrology; telepathy; precognition; telekinesis; psychic
healing; pyramid power; ancient astronauts; 'ghosts;' trance
revelations; Atlantis/ Mu/etc.; Bigfoot-type creatures; the Loch Ness
monster; none above; OTHERS:
The world condition these days is: bad; good; funny; as expected.
Right now, you would like to have more:
Time; money; friends; sex; alcohol; tobacco; marijuana;
stimulants; narcotics; depressants; hallucinogens; clothes; brains;
LECTURES! REVIVALS! IN YOUR TOWN!
You can book Rev. Ivan Stang (with SUBGENIUS FILMS) for your campus,
club, church, theater, or "gallery." Stang and Dr. Philo Drummond will
do radio talk shows (by phone or in person), and Stang will do TV.
YES!! I enclose $5 and two questions for DOBBS!
PRIMANIMAL SUBGENIUS J.R. ``BOB'' DOBBS, HIGH EPOPT OF THE CHURCH, is the only Psychic Media Adept on this planet who has passed all of the Illuminati Corporation's most stringent tests for ectosplasmodic
manifes- tations, precognition, telepathy, and telekinesis. As a
trance medium he is unparallelled, being the main vocal tool on Earth
of countless discorporate spirits, demons, dear departed on the
Otherside, crazed gurs, and conquerors of ancient history, alien space
intelligences of several origins, saints and mystics (including
Cerinthus the Mad Gnostic, actual author of the Book of Revelation),
godlike entities from all eight planes of the Beforelife, and --
certainly the most crucial of all -- Dobbs is finally the somnambulant
voice-box of JEHOVAH 1 THE GODD OF WRATH, jealous and vengeful alien
Manipulator of the Old Testament. As a "Sleeping Healer," the Epopt
conspires with Jehovah 1 to synchronize his Nental life with the vast
Archive worknet of cosmic, deceased shamans, witch doctors and
medicine men -- the ancient Masters of all the world's peoples.
A descendant of many great psychics, ``Bob'' began using his gifts
for financial gain at the age of 6. He has worked as a mind-breaker
for the government and has more recently built a fortune as Psychic
Salesman for a multinational cartel (which, like so many other
intriguing aspects of Dobbs' life, must remain secret).
To get your money's worth in psychic consultation, Dobbs needs
nothing more than 1) your questions, and 2) something you have touched
-- a five dollar bill, for instance, or a blank check (which must bear
your signature for the Nental life vibrational 'psi-stench' to be
readable by Dobbs) -- these have been found to bring the most fruitful
predictions, diagnoses, instructions, descriptions of past lives, etc.
Simply send your question and "offering" with this coupon to THE
CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS and you will soon receive in the mail such
past life readings and personal revelations ABOUT YOURSELF as you
could never have imagined in your WILDEST NIGHTMARES.
And don't forget to sigh the disclaimer! It must be signed before
any reading will be performed.
Mr. Dobbs is endowed with powers of extrasexual persuasion as well
as all ranges of ESP. Although ``Bob's'' accuracy has been questioned
by previous "clients," no SacraMentallist can claim infallibility.
With Dobbs, especially, it is only a matter of time before he falters;
he is farther from so-called 'perfection' than most of us could be if
we worked at it. Therefore ``Bob,'' his associates, promoters,
employees, sponsors, agents, followers, and writers must and do
disclaim all liability to all persons, firms, or corporations who act
or rely upon ESP impressions given by word of mouth, telephone,
correspondence, film, tape, or hologram recording now or in the
... the future.
Licensed to blaspheme gods (foriegn and domestic) Inquire for free estimate
My skull is bigger on the inside than the outside!
Send $1 to SubGenius Foundation, P.O. Box 140306, Dallas TX 75214 for details
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