Church of the SubGenius
By: Rev Bevilacqua
Editor: Rev Ivan Stang
Sacred Business Manager
"Can I legally marry people now that I am ordained in the Church of the SubGenius?"
This unfortunately does not have a simple yes or no answer; it all depends on your state. The shocking truth is that none of the 50 states could give a 2 fucks of a praire squid whether you're ordained or not. In many states you can be married by (and sometimes even to) your cousin or any drunk off the street. We are, of course, talking here about legal Conspiracy Marriages; the ones worrying most Normals from whom you will be scaming a preachers fee.
" So what is the Conspiracy concerned about? "
First, that the individuals to be married have paid the proper fee to the proper Conspiracy Court and obtained a Marriage License. This is the beautiful moment when, after waiting for 3 hours your numbered ticket is called. Then you and your true love walk hand in hand across the scuffed tiled floor, in morgue like silence, to the glass partition, slide the cash to the Government Zombie, sign the paperwork , and ... "thank you, have a nice day, number 72 please." That's it, as far as the State is concerned, once the paper work goes through, you're married. Now for a SubGenius that false ceremony in itself is considered to be the most lovely part of The Deed and many decide to consummate the Conspiracy Marriage in the Court House parking lot. For Pinks this lacks romance. It's not the perfect fairy tale marriage the Conspiracy force feeds to them though daytime TV, hack novels and Barbie Dolls. So they lie to themselves and pretend that they are not really married until some grand performance ensues which involves giving even more money to various Conspiracy collaborators, who in turn use the millions to perpetuate the myth of a traditional wedding. For everyone knows the more elaborate and expensive the wedding, the more meaningful and lasting the relationship.
"But doesn't a priest or some holy person have to sign something too?"
That's the second thing. To help perpetuate the Ceremony Myth, many States require a signature from a "minister". Who this "minister" needs to be, or if he needs to be at all, depends on State Law. Sometimes it can be anyone, no one, or other times it needs to be a properly certified person. Are you beginning to see the light?
"So what if I need to be certified by my State?"
Every state is different; some require that you be a "legal minister," and/or require a fee. (Yet another way to bring money in to the coffers.) Give the Normals everything they're willing to pay for, even if it's their own delusions.
"Am I a "legal minister" ?"
Enter the muscular left tentacle of the Anti-Conspiracy Demon, The other churches. As all factions of the Con work together to keep The SubGenius down -- many States have seen to it that it is written into law that one must be ordained by an officially recognized religion to be certified. Let me repeat that... it is STATE LAW that you must be a RELIGIOUS minister in a Conspiracy RECOGNIZED religion, to be able to sign the STATE'S paperwork legalizing a government contract. See a problem here? You are in fact a religious leader working for the State. Stick that in your separation of Church and State pipe and smoke it.
The mighty Church of the SubGenius is not recognized by the State, which is fine because the Church does not, in turn, recognize the authority of the State! Being the world's first Industrial Church, we pay our taxes. (Render unto Ceaser that which is Ceasers but render unto "Bob" that which is "Bob's" :Ecronomicon 56:1) And for this reason, we are not considered a recognized religion. If you can see through the opaque sheet of hypocrisy and bullshit of all this, you need to run for office. But don't worry -- "Bob", master of loop holes, has found a slackful way around the whole catch-23.
"Oh tell me "Bob" how can I stick it to the Man?"
One fun thing to do is to send a copy of your SubGenius wallet card or ordination papers to the State. Chances are the grunt worker will only notice that it looks official, and send you the marriage license. This is great because many times they will print your religious affiliation on the certificate. You can frame it and bask in the glow of the blinding rays of Conspiracy idiocy. Fun, yes. Legal, no. You may find your divorced "friends" hauling your ass to court saying their marriage was never legal in the first place because of YOU. Make sure you wear your "Bob" T-shirt and try to get press coverage. We'll deny everything.
To cover yourself "Bob" has created an outreach program called the Universal Life Church.
"So what is the ULC and what can they do for me?"
The Universal Life Church sees things the way we do and believes that we have the right to worship and practice how we see fit regardless of the State. So these great people and true SubGenii went through the hassle of getting all the necessary papers, and recognition to be a Conspiracy approved Church, so you don't have to. The ULC is the SubGeniuses muscular left tenticle, and it has punched serious holes into the Conspiracy's Master Plan.
The ULC will give you a State approved legal certificate, recognizing your Official Ministry in whatever religion you choose, be it SubGenius, OTO, Satanism, or toadstool worship. They don't care, and it's free! Their motto is "We stand between you and your state, not you and your God". You can do it right now online, or send in a request. I recommend you send a donation, but you don't have to. After you do this you're covered on all sides. You can open a Church, have bingo games, marry people, get discount bus fare, all with the blessing of the Government, and all in the name of "Bob" (and of course the great freedom fighters at ULC.)
"Give me the address!"
http://ybi.com/ulc/index.html (on line ordainment)
601 Third Street
Modesto, CA 95351
They also provide the service of telling you what your State will require for marriages, and the offices you must contact.
"Fuck The Conspiracy! I'll never give them one cent, and fall prey to their manipulation. The only true marriage is one that is approved by "Bob" and The Church of the SubGenius. All else is an empty lie!!!!"
Now you get it. By being an Ordained Minister of the Church of the SubGenius, you can officially marry anyone, to any person, thing, object or even themselves. We authorize Short Duration Personal Marriages, which can last for fragments of seconds or into the afterlife. Want to marry your pets, your wallet, your computer, yourself !? You now have the power. "Bob" grants it with every paid ordainment. This is the only TRUE and PURE marriage; recognized by no one except yourself and "Bob". And if you need some lousy piece of Conspiracy bullshit paper to feel true love, then you deserve every thing you're going to get. Show me one happy Conspiracy marriage, just one. You can't, because they are built upon a shifty foundation of lies. The SubGenius marriage is based entirely on whatever truth you've chosen for yourself at this moment. There is no such thing as a SubGenius divorce, because like any good capitalist product, they are built NOT TO LAST.
Still happy? Get Married again. Bored? It's over. Get married everyday, honeymoon everynight! It's up to you. We are not stupid! Monogamy is a lie! Yourare SubGenius: Homo superior. It's time to stop acting like the monkeys They want you to believe you are. You are Yeti -- for God's sake start acting like one. Marry your right hand. Marry your wallet. Marry a Hostess twinkie. As long as you believe in it, it will be the most fulfilling and profitable marriage on this sick Pink infested planet of complainers!
"Hell yes! I hear ya! I am free! Let me give you some money!"
Praise Fucking "Bob". You ARE free brother, but not everything in life is, and you have only 2 choices. Give your money to help the Machine continue to oil it's SubGenius Hate Tank, or strike a blow by helping us construct the biggest god-damn monkey wench the world has ever seen!
Membership, Ordainment, FistScription $30.00
Official Short Duration Marriage Ceremony, with Marriage Certificate: $3.00
On line SD Marriages: http://www.subgenius.com.
Check, Money Order : The SubGenius Foundation
PO Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
Credit Cards Toll free Order Line 1(888)669-2323
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Original file name: SubG FAQ #8 Can I marry peo
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