FAQ ON SLACK?

From: ghouse@sourcebbs.com (Bill Garlinghouse)

As I am new, having only recently begun to lurk, I seek a FAQ that may
help explain the customs and traditions of this group.

Thanks (?)
---
fl ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍIch bin ein BytebrotherÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ

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Subject: Re: FAQ ON SLACK?
From: ljduchez@en.com (Lou Duchez)

Praise "Bob", it's another burgeoning SubGenius!

Oh yes, dear brother, we're here to sing the praises of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs,
the world's greatest salesman, sex god, and High Epopt of the Church of
the SubGenius. "Bob" is the chosen emissary of the alien space god JHVH-1, who created all life on earth.

But! There are TWO species of "intelligent" life on earth. There are the
mere Humans, descendants of some decadent primate; and then there are the SubGenii, JHVH-1's prime breeding stock and descendants of the proud Yeti.

Oh, my dear friend, do I have to tell you that there are two kinds of
people out there? There are the Humans, who mindlessly follow the whims
of the Conspiracy (a Conspiracy so devious, that it doesn't even know it
exists!); and there are the SubGenii, who have the creativity and horse
sense to make this world a virtual paradise. But the Conspiracy oppresses
us all, makes us perform mindless drone-labor, tells us what to love and
whom to hate, and advises us to "be responsible".

Ahh yes, the Con is powerful ... BUT NOT AS POWERFUL AS "BOB"! "Bob"
will help you throw off the shackles of the Con, for "Bob" brings the
message of Slack: the ability to align one's self with causality, and
have it all! WEALTH! GREAT SEX! LUCK AT THE RACES! YES! CAN I GET
A "PRAISE 'BOB'"? For "Bob" is Slack made flesh in the form of a pipe-
smoking travelling salesman. Follow "Bob", make your wallet his own,
and Slack will be yours.

Yes, my dear friend in "Bob", the Men from Planet X are on their way.
On July 5, 1998, 7:00am, the Rupture will occur, and all SubGenius
ministers will be whisked away to the great Pleasure Saucers, while the
Humans (a.k.a. Pinks, Normals, Kens/Barbies) will be left to FRY ON
EARTH! HAH! SERVES 'EM RIGHT!

Yes, I hear your plaintive cry: "But how can I find 'Bob'? How can I
be ordained in the pee of 'Bob'?" Take heart; "Bob" makes it easy.
There are many routes to learn of "Bob":

- Some of these involve buying some crap. Don't worry; it's all funnier
than hell, and can be used to scare unwanted relatives away. All
funds to be sent to:

The SubGenius Foundation
P. O. Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214

"Bob" will see your "love offerings"; it is by the Psychic Pstench that
you leave on your money, that "Bob" knows you. ("Bob" doesn't need
your money: he was a self-made millionaire by the age of six. Money
is just the medium that your Pstench rides upon.)

- Send $1 for the introductory pamphlet.

- Buy "The Book of the Subgenius". Available at finer bookstores;
ISBN 0-671-63810-6. I think it runs $16.50 from the SubGenius
Foundation. (When you've finished that, pick up "Revelation X".)

- Follow "alt.slack"! Can't hurt.

- Listen to the "Hour of Slack" radio show, aired on the best college
stations.

- Ordainment is $30. Remember, you can't get on the saucers unless
you're an ordained minister.

- The most significant method: Live the life of Abnormality! JHVH-1
gave you a personality; don't suppress it! How can Slack be yours
if you yourself are afraid to be yours? Don't follow anyone, even
"Bob"! ("Bob" admonishes us to kill him; take the little creep up
on his offer!) Open your eyes and recognize all the ways They are
trying to hold you down, and learn tactics to fight back!

----------------------------------------
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----------------------------------------

And ... Praise "Bob"!

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Subject: Re: FAQ ON SLACK?
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)

Bill Garlinghouse (ghouse@sourcebbs.com) wrote:
: As I am new, having only recently begun to lurk, I seek a FAQ that may
: help explain the customs and traditions of this group.

: Thanks (?)

So you want SLACK do you? Well, my little phineas, my tootle
sweety, my harepiece, have I got a DEAL for you! Simply cut
out the coupon below, fill it out, and send it in. I guarantee
you'll have MORE SLACK than a Son Of A Yeti should be ALLOWED!

-----------------------------------------------------------------
| |
| Print someone's name here:___________________________________ |
| |
| Print it again. I couldn't hear you:_________________________ |
| |
| Choose a random number:______________________________________ |
| |
| Did I say to print it there? No. Now erase it:_______________ |
| |
| That's better. Now, draw a picture:__________________________ |
| |
| That's terrible. Did you learn that in the special education |
| classes, the ones you went to in the little school bus? [Y] |
| |
| Scratch an embarassing body part. That's fine. Now stop. |
| |
| Now, answer correctly: [Y] [N] |
| |
| WRONG! You idiot! Start over. Or send $1.00 to: |
| |
| The SubGenius Foundation, PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214 |
-----------------------------------------------------------------

HEY! Get away from that printer! Did I tell you to print it out
first? Hell, no. You want Slack(tm), you gotta learn to run the
ridges with the heavy-duty-Yeti. CUT IT OUT OF YOUR SCREEN!

I swear, some humans you just have to YANK through life.


(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Hypercyberelectronetworkminister,
ll ll genetically perfect Yeti specimen,
amateur astronaut, author of "The Non-Sequitur Dictionary".
Verifiable revelations and miracles, prepared while you wait.
Remember, "Bob" loves you. I will too, for the right price.
--
dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.

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