Make Some Slackful Noise

By (That Masked Man)

Weenie atoms subsurface attack force-X! Button up your "BoB"...
and movem out -- space alien Moog synthesizer say cattle OK.
Chop chop buckaroo. Land Ho. Bring her about the Luck
Plane up there and look out below! Extreme danger in frosted
cereal aisle 13. Excercise extreme Time Control for next Bulldada
cermonial debeaking. Indolence indicates life force/entity detector
at half power. Repulse! Repulse! Rebel Gods strike out at bottom
of ninth inning. Mutating back to Overman status on Moon Base
Alpha and hitchem up! Lester Scruggs indentified as leader of
anti-Con. Repeat. Anti-Con leader says "Whupem or wuss out."...
Command bunker sealing complete for next ten parasecs. Arch
demon arrival makes news in Seattle with big party. Set toaster
oven on stun boys, were going in!

Pass me some PILS then and we be done. Planetary orbit stablized
and/or GBroagfran(?) has _Mars Needs Women_ cued up on tape 2.
So cut some slack for the gipper now -- your brain is a golf ball and
"BoB" is lining up for the putt. Nuclear family power plant seed in
ground Morning Glory for best results! Bring money to bank enhances
devolve to JHVH-1 movement. Public celebacy forbidden in the
lobby. Take the last train to Dobbstown and meet me at the crop
circle. AEEEEIIII. No plan has man but "BoB" has a dream.
Normals step to the rear, please. Double head launch is double fun.
Sorry, we're saving all our ammo for the End Times and the
Time and a half Times and the Time of PeE and the onslaught of the
Heliopters. AEIII! DEROS! Not a bullet to spare. Praise "BoB"
and pass the rocket propelled grenades! The Elder Gods are on the
verge of triumph. Many will be lead astry by the anti-X-ists. Don't
let this happen! Send a dollar of False Slack to:

SubGenius Foundation
P.O. Box 140306
Dallas, Texas 75214

Alien mind wash brings instant relief. Fear the Cage Men no more.
Put Mediocretins and Subliminimalists back on the shelf. Classic
deconditioning proves will to triumph without effort. Destroy work
as we know it with the Stoogely Arts -- strong stuff, no worry! Learn
to deliver a psychic spanking from a safe distance. Holistic herion
identified as religion of the masses but morealism causes pipe-bending
by mail or levitate your neighbors while enjoying a nice mug of
Nuclear Beer!

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors. This knowledge was revealed
to me by my Hindbrain during after a lengthy period of Hindthinking.
Any Master of Butt Yoga could do the same. I've been able to edit
my memories and re-experience a past re-incarnality. Sometimes a
session of Acubeating will loosen an accumulation of Bulldada and
provoke an extensive amount of Extremeditation and you can achieve
TOTAL GUT BLOWOUT. Of course, you can only get an Acubeating in
Dobbstown where they are skillfully administered by Dobbs Monks.

Short-term marriage partners abound in Northern Tibet -- ask any
Yeti for details. No charge for Puzzling Evidence.

I can restore your adolescence by hypnosis and reveal your secret
Abnormality by massaging your Foot Gland. I will put you on a
strict diet of word salad

Did you know that over half the airline diasters are the result
of mid-air collisions with ancient chariot riding gods? Did you
know that hundreds of "missing people" are actually dead -- crushed
under the wheels of drunken, nymph-chasing ancient gods. That's
right! The gods of the ancient mid-east are alive and still a
menace to mankind! Human earth maidens are still being abducted
and impregnated by Zeus and the rest of those horny Ambrosia
guzzling "Good Ol' Boys from Olympus." And what's worse, when
these poor, unfortunate girls go to the local "women's clincs"
to get their "problem fixed", THE FOETUS WON'T DIE! The goverment
knows all about this, but they pass it off as "just a UFO" or
"it must have been Elvis." Not true, my friend, not true.
Protect yourself now! Special amulets are available. Contact
the people below for details.

SubGenius Foundation
P.O. Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214

and they'll send you *YOUR* stuff. They'll send you a hilarious
sixteen page pamphlet that explains that JHVH-1 is a space alien
and still threatens this planet. It's counter-culture humor.
You really need to buy the _Book of the SubGenius_ at a bookstore
near you... Look in the humor section. It's usually filed under
the name Dobbs. There's also a little catalog of things you can
buy. I bought some music tapes -- funny little "hymns" and I
also bought some Media Barrage tapes -- those are the audio
collages expertly edited.

It's something like Zippy or Mad Magazine or the Bible, Koran,
Baghadgavita, Buhhda, Taoism, Marxism, and Libertarianism all
rolled into one. Oh, and there's UFO's and Nazi's and every
other nutty scary thing plus sex and music and drugs and money
for nothing...

No problem. Send $1 to:

SubGenius Foundation
P.O. Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214

and ask for Church Pamphlet #1. Accept no substitutes. Gazing upon
ASCII renderings of "Bob" for protracted intervals may de-gauss your
soul. Eternal salvation gauranteed or triple your money back. Don't
leave Hell without one. Profound but fraudelent explanations for the
inexplicable since before the beginning of time. Puzzling Evidence
included at no additional fee.

I floss my teeth with an electric cord! I plug into 120 for fun!
I taught Jesus how to walk on water. We go water skiing together now.
I told JHVH-1 to stop on the seventh day. I was Eve's backdoor man.
I rode into Nirvana on the back of a tiger and I woke everybody up!
YEE HAW! Bullets can't stop me and meteorites bounce off my butt!
I sold condoms to the Pope and rosaries to the queers!
I made "Fuck'em if they can't take a joke" the 28th Amendment!
I taught the dinosuars how to yodel!
People pay me to look at them and I charge double for both eyes!
My mind is number one on the New York Times best reading list!
I pissed on a wall and sold it to the Metropoltion Museum of Art!
I see in the dark. I talk to the dead! I can hear moonbeams.
My mother was a shark and my father was Ernst Heminway!
Cows dream of being my hamburger!
I castrated the Congressmen and the Senators gave me the Metal of Honor!
I graduated from Harvard when I was nine years old.
I deflowered the Anti-Virgin!
Buhhda wants to be re-incarnated as me!
I preached the WOR to Nietzsche and he paid his Church Dues!
I channel for famous people who haven't been born yet!
Buhhda was my drinking buddy and I surfed the Dead Sea with Jesus.
I have more girl friends than Lord Krishna and I date Zeus's wife!
Celtic goddesses hang around my clothes dryer and fold my boxers for me.
I plucked the tail feathers of Quetzalcoatl just for fun.
I use words like phreatic zone, sinkhole, polje, vadsoe region, swallow
holes, vauclusian spring, limestone pavement, and kamenitza all
in the same sentence!
I abduct alien mind parasites and wash them for instant relief.
Cage Men fear me. Mediocretins and Subliminimalists back on the shelf.
deconditioning proves will to triumph without effort. Destroy work
as we know it with the Stoogely Arts -- strong stuff, no worry! Learn
to deliver a psychic spanking from a safe distance. Holistic herion
identified as religion of the masses but morealism causes pipe-bending
by mail or levitate your neighbors while enjoying a nice mug of
Nuclear Beer!

Unfortunately, most of what passes for "creative" or "off-beat" or
"counter-culture" in this newgroup is actually just innane word associations.
You guys come off like a BUNCH OF ZIPPY WANNA-BE'S. How about you and
your buddies *define* the purpose of your newsgroup? I can define the
purpose of alt.slack: promulagate the reading of Book of the SubGenius,
share information on "bizarre" worldviews (like the Cargo Cultists for
instance...), try our hand at a rant or a brag, proclaim the philosophy
of the SubGenius (the Luck Plane, Elder Gods, etc.), spew some slogans
and Bulldada, mystify the newbies, get news of Church events and Holy
Relics to buy, argue with fundies, argue with UFO-ers, argue with
Discordians, etc. etc. etc.

But you folks just put your words in a blender and laugh at what a
mess you can make out of a sentence. That's why I posted "The Gospel
According to Markov." It was computer generated word salad. Take
a look at it. It's nonsense and it's only *barely* funny and not
at all original or creative.

Heck, most of what you guys do is create yourselves too long .sig
files full of your silly "Holy names" and your dumb cabals...

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies

1963, in beautifully over saturated color. A beatnik, his friend with the
huge pompadour, and his rich girl friend go to the L.A. version of Coney
Island where there's a lot of "exotic dancers." The beatnik is hypnotized
by the palm-reader and becomes a mad slasher -- complete with the spinning
"psycho spiral". Dancers include one lovely young lady who performs
in a body stocking -- that's all she wears for most of the movie! The other
dancers are like a bunch of Go-Go girls -- they dance to a lot of popular
music from the yearly sixties. This is a teen-sexploitation movie off on
a surrealist tangent with plenty of bad acting and lousy cinematography.

The word of "Bob" is like peanut butter on the roof of your mouth

I am HE who clocketh thou in and clocketh thou out.

I shall lead and thou shalt follow.
I am in charge and I shall make you miserable.
I shall take and you shalt give.
I am first
Thou art last.
I am big.
Thou art small.
I am good.
Thou art bad.

Ethics, politics, religion: it's all a joke. Any time people band
together and claim to believe something and they pass those beliefs
on down to the next generation, then you're gonna wind up with a joke
eventually. The Book of the SubGenius just takes all those ancient
jokes and "freebases" them into a crystaline substance (Slack?) that
we use to achieve Total Gut Blowout. It's part of the Nameless Mission
of the SubGenius to shock the multitudes and subject everything sacred
to the full force of the Mockery Sciences.

Discordianism is no exception. That bunch of "non-conformists" has
reacted with a heck of a lot of unity in this little spat. It makes
me thing they're SOME SORT OF CLUB. Well, the SubGenius is not a
"joiner" and the SubGenius WILL NOT WUSS OUT!!! We will make them
lay in *their* *own* *Logos* and _we'll_ be the ones with the
Coprophagic Grin. You like Discord? You got it! You got your
Principia for free? Well now you'll get a Gut-Rant for free!
Nothing is free until _everything_ is free! We're right and
you're wrong.

Eris is one of the Rebel Gods in that she opposes the Elder Gods
and seeks to destroy the Conspiracy. So does JHVH-1. But the
SubGenius is like Great-Souled Ghandi but Eris starts wars. We're
the peaceful, I'm-staying-home-from-work-today-so-that-society-
will-yield-to-our-demands bunch.

Well, to be fair, the Principia is not available at your local bookstore
and would have been forgotten about if Robert Anton Wilson hadn't
incorporated it into his Illuminatus! Trilogy. The Book of the SubGenius
is available at your local bookstore, but no one buys it. It's an
esoteric form of humor. Most people don't understand it. That's why
the SubGenius is Superior to all the other Mutants. *We're* the
ones who "get" the joke. And guess what we're doing to everyone
who doesn't!

Yeah. And the Book costs MONEY. That means you've got to make a
COMMITMENT and you've got to STAND UP for yourself and pull your *own*
wallet out and *pay* for it like a *man*!

The Principia is just *one* of many starting points that all lead
to the Book to the SubGenius. The BotSG is a living organic fungus-
on-the-heal-of-society evolving piece of Morealism.

Just think of the Book as a roadmap on your journey through life.
It's chock full of little signs that say "This way leads to madness"
You didn't expect it to tell you where that Pot of Gold is buried,
did you?

You're OUT OF SYNC! You've lost your Vertical Hold. You've lost
your Horzontal Hold. WHO is your FATHER? Ohhhh you Po'Buckers,
do you know WHO your FATHER is? No! Not him! Not him! Your
Soul Father! Is he J. R. "Bob" Dobbs or is he Darth Vader?

Oh! Oh! Pray with me, folks, pray!

Our "Bob" who art clip art
Voweled be thy name...

No! No! Stop! I sense some False Slack in the room. No! No!
I can whiff it's pystech! Who has the False Slack? Who?

You! You! Come up on the stage you Po'Bucker. Throw away
those crutches and crawl up here! It's in you wallet. Yes!
Put your wallet on the table and pray with me. We got to cast
that False Slack OUT of this WALLET! Pray! I'm going to


but what you didn't realize that 1) is an
alter-ego of, and 2) is an
alter-ego of

Yes. It's true. My Guardian Angel and my Nental Ife are waging a battle
for control of my material body. It's been a nasty fight and they've
been slinging Bulldada at each other like there were no X-day (HA! Shows
how little they know...) My Nental Ife has been aiming a steady stream
of NHGH particles at my Guardian Angel, who has returned fire with a
blast of Bobyon particles. The Luck Plane in my vicenity has been stretched
to the breaking point and my Sphere of Causality may rupture at any moment
(not to be confused with my Sphere of Casuality which allows me remain
calm during such a terrible time as this...) Good thing I had enough
foresight to be baptised in the PeE of "Bob" while I was lying in the
gutter! Otherwise, I might not have survived _this_ _long_.

And to think that all this started just because I wanted to throw down
the guanlet and challenge any and all SubG's at UF who might be lurking
about to come out a expose themselves! Oh, a Skull Farmer's work is
never done. Ever since I tithed unto "Bob" the $20 ordainment fee, I
have been saddled with the duty of recruiting 900 people to kill
themselves for "Bob"... NO! NO! I didn't say that! Those 900 people
must send in their $20 ordainment fee. That's all. Honest.
Aeeii!!! My Guardian Angel has been attacked by a Flash Being. It's
falling in flames towards Earth. My Nental Ife is winning... Aeeii!!!


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