BOSTON DEVIVAL REPORT and CHURCH NEWS UPDATE
THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!
AIEEEE!! We've been preaching our leathery LUNGS out on the FINAL ARMAGEDDON TOUR -- COAST TO COAST BEFORE IT'S TOAST --After the triumphant Portland and Seattle devivals (I missed the SAMOAN Devival, DAMN IT!!) I immediately went to Cleveland for the sublime Einstein Secret Orchestra devivals and secret rituals, where we had the biggest turnout EVER in Ohio. While I was OverManning the Sales Table in Cleveland this youth capproached me saying, "My friend has a palindrome with "Bob" in it; would you like to hear it?" It was:
I asked them if they knew we were preaching in Boston next, and the kid denied any knowledge of that; the message had come to his friend in a dream.
And the prophecy rang true.
THE FINAL, FINAL SUBGENIUS DEVIVAL, in BOSTON,
produced by IrRev. Friday Jones,
CAUSED NO SOB!!
I'll always remember it as The Double D Devival.
The LAST DEVIVAL was, by FAR, the most PROFITABLE!! Even though it was POURING SHEETS OF RAIN from the bowels of NHGH that night, the flock came from as far away as Chicago and Quebec to PACK THEIR BLADDERS TO THE BURSTING POINT and THE CLUB TO THE RAFTERS, and make the producer, FRIDAY JONES, A FORTUNE!! ALL the preachers got paid, ALL the musicians got paid, and FRIDAY BROKE ALL SUBGENIUS MERCHANDISE SALES TABLES RECORDS INCLUDING DRAGON-CON!!! I am not kidding, the only reason a SuperGenius like Friday Jones is even ALLOWED in this Church is because she's still, technically, NOT A GENIUS or otherwise "beyond" a genius. But this is what a TRUE SubGenius devival is REALLY ALL ABOUT!! REAL MONEY!!! And REAL SLACK!! The audience was TOTALLY JAZZED and the Slack was so thick you could carve it with a chainsaw and spread it with a tractor.
(BOBCOIN animated GIF by SAVEBOB!)
BOSTON DEVIVAL REPORTS (profusely illustrated) by MODEMAC, "DAD," MANY OTHERS!
FRIDAY'S ORIGINAL PRESS RELEASE
(A MODEL SubGenius press release!)
The new PULPIT! MAH GAWD!! Rev. Ed Strange's NEW PULPIT! A HUGE pulpit too heavy for any airline to ship! With a carved wooden Wings of Slack, engraved BobCo Font Hieroglyphs, and an Auto-Suck AND Auto-John built right in. A pulpit suitable for a VIKING FUNERAL!
The new BANNERS! Cheaply but effectively crafted by Friday Jones using the amazing BobCo Symbol Font Hieroglyphs, printed out BIG onto iron-on transfer material, and ironed onto a MERE, HUMBLE strip of cloth! Plus a whole new Fridaian set of DOBBS SLOGAN BUTTONS! PLUS the all-nude Dobbs CLOCKS and NITE LIGHTS!
Stang Rant Pt. 1-- w/ Bro. Cleve, DK Jones, BTM back-up......included
the prophesied Bucket of Pils dispensation and group pumpkin orgy on the
KING OF SLACK BILL T. MILLER-- greatest
hits from his ORGY OF SLACK CD release, on The Living Keyboard
Pope David N. Meyer's mighty confession, "I AM THE CONSPIRACY" (As heard uncut on Hour of Slack 629)
Slackbangers "Bob" Is Love w/ special OverMan guest star spaz-dancer
Dr. Legume -- true story of killing a cat that refused to die, and BLOOD
CURDLING BIBLICAL STYLE PROPHECY
Brother Cleve Donut Dunkan, performing "BOB" IS MY LOAD and
an amazing spirit-washed sermon about the PeE of "Bob"!
The last Mass Short Duration Marriage and Head Launching!
Bonus Meyer "NEO-CLASSICIST CHURCH" Rant!
"Earth Anthem" end Stangrant, featuring canned 70s music hated by snobs!
Rant-a-thon! Wherein we let ANYONE from the audience come up and RANT... and win a PRIZE such as books by L. Ron Hubbard, donated from Modemac's trash can! How many BANDS do you know that let the audience use their EQUIPMENT after the SHOW?!? complete with onstage fight between Ed Strange and Stang
Gerbil "Saltiness" - Dryfoo - Maiken - Algonquin - Ed Strange - Limor - ? - Nully - Dad Townsend
The minute Friday got home from the Devival, she stripped off her clothes and ROLLED IN THE MONEY. LITERALLY ROLLED IN THE MONEY. (See the pictorial "Miss SubGenius July" in the upcoming special publication, "SHE-YETI OF THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS, BUSINESS-SUIT ISSUE", also available this week only on alt.binaries.slack.)
What's coming up after this? X-DAY. ALL ELSE IS CHAF!! We at the Dallas Church headquarters are concentrating EVERYTHING towards X-Day. This is the FINAL COUNTDOWN, the LAST P-U-S-H before the GREAT EVACUATION!! When "Bob'S" LOAD shall SPLASH upon a Slack-rejecting, unrepentant world. We'll try to release some Hour of Slack CDs, a CD ROM of all the great SubGenius art, and a completely revised SUBSITE at www.subgenius.com; we hope to whip out new T-shirt designs and gimmick products in the last weeks before the End, we plan to ELIMINATE ALL OBSTACLES; MY FRIENDS, EVERYTHING MUST GO BY JULY 5th!!! We might even... BUY ADVERTISING for the FIRST TIME IN ALL 20 YEARS!!!
***** incommunicado with "OUTSIDE" for one week ******
(X-Day minus 58!)
THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE ON EARTH
is the morning drive-time radio jock, and among them, the very lowest of the low is the Classic Rock Station morning drive-time radio jock.
I have been earning my keep for "Bob" this week, brothers and sisters. Jesus initiated a P.R. blitz, and I've been guesting on an average of 3 morning radio shows by phone every day. We have plenty more lined up for next week. Most of these are quickie 5-minute soundbite sessions, studies in shallowness like everything else on commercial radio. Having to WAKE UP before TEN is the main hardship; most of the time, the shows are actually pretty fun to do, once they get started. Except for the Classic Rock jocks... the small-time Stern wannabes. AND THEY'RE THE SAME TWO GUYS AND A GIRL IN EVERY TOWN, or might as well be.
As you know, aside from the 17 indie and college stations that carry HOUR OF SLACK, there are only a few types of radio stations, and each type is identical throughout all of North America. You have your modern rock stations, currently called "Alternative" I guess, although they're certainly the exact opposite. You have your Young Country. You got your Soul stations. Your Conservative Talk Stations, your Classic Rock Stations, and your Christian stations. And Easy Listening, but they don't do talk.
I'm telling you, the Classic Rock Station Jock is the absolute scum of the earth. I would rather marry a lawyer than a Classic Rock Station Jock. I would far rather be stranded on a desert island with Bob Larson than with one of these Classic Rock Station Jocks.
(Incidentally, we ARE FINALLY talking to Bob Larson's office, praise Jesus!! Looks like we may get to do the long-awaited BATTLE OF THE TITANS!! If he doesn't wimp out.)
For the Classic Rock Jocks are the DUMBEST of all. The PINKEST of the Pink. At least the Christians are a LITTLE weird, just by virtue of being religious nuts. But the Classic Rock jock is like THE MODEL PINK -- the ones who HONESTLY, with ALL THEIR HEARTS, believe that life in a Miller Lite beer commercial is the way life MUST BE. The ones who are unabashedly PROUD to be "LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE." The ones who HONESTLY CONSIDER the term "WEIRD" to be an INSULT! In plain and simple terms... DUMBASSES. DUMBASSES ALL.
Dumbasses with microphones and an audience of balding Kens and babbling Barbies who once smoked dope and listened to those stupid Conspiracy-approved Fleetwood Mac songs in the 70s, but now are alcoholics who drag themselves and their brats to church and job while listening to ONLY THOSE SAME SONGS STILL!!
Most of the other types of show hosts, after the first minute or so, actually "get it." Pink as they are, at least they catch SOME clue. Admittedly, the press release that these people saw -- written by the Newsflash people who sent it out on the wires, chopped down to one paragraph from the page that Jesus sent them -- doesn't even mention "Bob"; it just says this weird cult called The Church of the SubGenius thinks Sex Goddesses will destroy the world at 7 am 7-5-98. THAT'S ALL THEY'RE TOLD. So, going into the interviews, they are usually expecting something New Agey and Heaven's Gate-like. I have my own agenda, of course. There are a very few MAIN KEY POINTS that I try to impart in these brief moments on Con airwaves:
1. The sacred PO box
2. The magic word, "subgenius.com"
3. IT'S JUST LIKE ANY OTHER RELIGION, only CHEAPER, with a SPECIFIC SCHEDULE, and NUDITY! Eternal Salvation or TRIPLE your money back.
4. "Bob" is the sales god who fights the Conspiracy of Normal People who unthinkingly steal Slack from the mutants and abnormals.
4. IT'S JUST LIKE ANY OTHER RELIGION -- we believe in an invisible monster that will do us favors and smite our enemies, if we kiss its ass enough.
5. IT'S JUST LIKE ANY OTHER RELIGION -- it's not that we love "Bob" all that much, it's that we relish the idea of everybody else going to HELL.
6. For some reason they put our Bible, THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS, in the humor section; why don't they put the other Bibles there too?
7. IT'S JUST LIKE ANY OTHER RELIGION -- "Bob" sold it, I smoked it, that settles it."
8. IT'S JUST LIKE ANY OTHER RELIGION -- But who is spending the money more wisely -- the televangelist charlatan who spent it on his yacht and mansion like I do, or the BELIEVERS who spent their money on THE TELEVANGELIST?
9. "Bob" doesn't care about your sins; he justifies them. He knows you don't need forgiveness, but an EXCUSE.
Anything else besides that is gravy. The hosts themselves are always fixated on the X-Day, Sex Goddess and $30 concepts so I generally can skim over that stuff. It's the little time-bomb anti-god one-liners that I feel its my main duty to drop. The tiny percentage of the audience that we're seeking will get 'em. AND MOST OF THE HOSTS THEMSELVES GET INTO IT after they realize what's going on.
The conservative talk show hosts usually give me a lot more time, and end up praising "Bob," shordurpersav-wise at least. The Young Country and Soul station jocks usually seem happy enough to have something that seems to them TOTALLY INSANE on for a change. They aren't trying to PROVE anything. It's the fucking PLAIN ORDINARY POPULAR MUSIC JOCKS and HOWARD STERN IMITATORS (and GOD are they shameless about that) whose egos absolutely cannot BEAR the idea that somebody somewhere might be making fun of... gasp... THEM!!! I swear, these people represent the Spirit of the High School Bully. When I start AGREEING with them that I am indeed WEIRD, VERY weird, and EXTREMELY PROUD OF IT, they LITERALLY TAKE OFFENSE! I tell them that if what I read in the papers every day represents NORMALITY, them I am GLAD to be "NUTS." And they think that's... crazy. Then, when they FINALLY CATCH ON that, just like Pat Robertson and the 700 Club, WE WANT MONEY, they act SHOCKED! When I make my little remarks about the Bible and fairy tales, they get all HUFFY! The ones this morning (San Luis CA) actually accused me of being a Satanist. I pointed out that one couldn't really be a Satanist without first believing in Jesus. I would have thought this was a damn CHRISTIAN station except that they were playing a god damn STEVIE NICKS song before I was on. Everybody knows she's WAY more Satanic than WE are.
It's just that I can't believe they get so PRISSY and MORALISTIC when they finally realize that I'm MAKING FUN OF ALL RIVAL RELIGIONS. They don't mind making silly TITTY and ALCOHOL jokes all morning, themselves. MOST show business people are two-faced hypocritical sinners or else flat out closet atheists, like half the Pinks themselves. Even in Christian radio they have SOME BARE MODICUM of sense. But I guess in the EXALTED ECHELONS of CLASSIC ROCK STATION MORNING DRIVE TIME JOCKS, acheiving the MOST NORMAL NORMALITY POSSIBLE is the only thing that counts -- they're the ones who produce the dullest "bonnng" when you clang the bell curve.
I've gotten rusty at dealing with Normals. I haven't worked a "day job" or an office slave position in many years. The radio shows that I'm "NORMALLY" on every week are UTTERLY FREE FORM. I'm surrounded by SubGeniuses and/or self employed rednecks and outland minorities, and other Americans who almost ALL sort of think that being DIFFERENT and having INDIVIDUAL ECCENTRICITIES is KINDA COOL, in an OLD FASHIONED WAY! I forget just how BLATANT the Conspiracy's hired reps REALLY ARE, regarding their own LYNCH MOB CHICKEN SHIT NATURE. They are as PROUD that they all drink the same beer and root for the same team and listen to the same Eric Clapton records and love the same Seinfeld jokes, as I am proud that I AM BARELY EVEN AWARE OF ANY OF THOSE THINGS. But they can't seem to just IGNORE us like we ignore them. To the ego-insecure Pinks, our disinterest in their idols is HOSTILITY... because it IMPLIES that we think we're onto something BETTER, which would in turn imply that we dare to think they MIGHT be the DUMBASSES in the equation -- even though they outnumber us by thousands to one! THE NERVE OF US!!
Most of you, who still work for the Conspiracy, have to deal with this on a daily basis, and to you I'm probably merely restating the PAINFULLY obvious. I gotta admit, I've had so much god damn SLACK for the last few years, that until I had to talk to Morning Drive Time Rock Jocks every morning, I had ALMOST FORGOTTEN how truly EVIL the Pink One is.
Maybe the Holocaustals are right. FUCK the Pinks as "natural resources." KILL THEM ALL. But AS SLOWLY AS POSSIBLE. THAT is the New Ivangelical way. KILL, but let's not WASTE the ENTERTAINMENT VALUE.
((The fact that I've now TOTALLY GIVEN UP on the HUMANS and think they should ALL DIE, starting with the CLASSIC ROCK JOCKS, should not be taken as an endorsement of the Holocaustal movement! I still think they're a bunch of DUMB NAZIS that don't realize they're acting JUST LIKE HUMANS.))
Luckily, these rock jocks, none of whom ever heard of Dobbs or the Church before, always expect me to be somehow THANKFUL for the chance to be USED by them. Little do they know, I've been doing this for 20 years, and nowadays truly could not give less of a FUCK about their idiotic Pink shows, or EVEN SELLING OUR BOOKS. I JUST DON'T CARE!! X-Day's a-comin'! Apparently my attitude must be obvious to these hosts, because the last two ended up getting really defensive and bragging about their ratings, as if I had somehow impugned their pedigrees. All I did was mention that getting up early to do their drive-time show was a pain in the ass. To them, maybe that's a nasty reminder that they have many bosses and live in fear, while I serve only "Bob" and float in a sea of Slack. When I'm not too busy HATING PROFESSIONALLY, anyway.
GOD DAMN IT! Then I got that VIRUS that's going around that makes you stop working and sit around watching rented movies and coughing... and then I broke my tooth AGAIN! On an unpopped POPCORN SEED! Then the STORMS came! Then VCR #4 broke! Then I somehow got on a phone-call-returning jag and each phone call lasted an hour! And meanwhile, the Connietites continue draining me. So I STILL haven't posted A GOL DURNED THING nor UPDATED SUBSITE nary one wheet nor twittle, nor even answered email.
I guess that's my cue to go RENT ANOTHER MOVIE!!!
BOSTON DEVIVAL REPORTS (profusely illustrated) by MODEMAC, "DAD," MANY OTHERS!
FRIDAY'S ORIGINAL PRESS RELEASE
(A MODEL SubGenius press release!)