In fact, to commemorate the work of the New SubGenius Artists, the Gods of Alt.Binaries.Slack, for the next 11 days, the first three pages of SubSITE will CHANGE TOTALLY EVERY DAY. Unless I forget. I am gonna leave the Hell version up for a couple more days to let this message filter out. This is CRUCIAL to your SubGenius education and your chances at a good Escape Vessel seat.
All of these changes happen only by the GRACE of the BLESSED SUBGENIUS ARTYRS. They DYED for their FAITH.
For many weeks now, something has been brewing on Planet A.B.S., something both sinister and marvelous that has seemingly escaped the notice of the rest of the world. It did not escape my notice. I know not what caused it; perhaps phases of the moon, or sunspots. Maybe, once the SubGenius Police went to the trouble of clearing the villains out of the newsgroup, the artists felt they'd better actually "DO" some art for it. Whatever it was, its symptom was some of the most impressive computer graphics I've ever seen, and not only that, ALL DEVOTED TO DOBBS! (Or else devoted to making fun of this one poor deluded spammer who was dumb enough to PESTER the a.b.s.-fux.). The Prophet Jim, Rev. Friday Jones, and many others have been part of this art sexplosion, but the worst culprits remain Atom Funway, Fernandinande (aka ricko) and Poindexter. They are all POSSESSED, whether by Dobbs or NHGH, I do not know. Perhaps it is a BATTLE of BOTH... "BOB" and NHGH duking it out for turf, using the VERY BRAINS and KEYBOARDS of these OTHERWISE USELESS SUBGENII as "WEAPONS," as the very "TOOLS" of the "GODS"!! Take a gander at Tunnel 9 and YOU TELL ME if there isn't something BAD BAD WRONG with that fernandinande boy. But yet he is TOUCHED by WOTAN, it is so very obvious. TRAGIC... yet ... BEAUTIFUL. Where was I.
A week ago I had managed to permanently install this amazing new imagery at SubSITE, opening yet a NINTH Tunnel in the process... and if you haven't seen it, you're a sad, pathetic excuse for a SubGenius, I don't care HOW slow your modem is, or how much you're paying per hour!
BUT!!! The art wasn't really being properly SHOWN OFF. I am all too acutely aware that the website audience and the newsgroup audience are generally two very different creatures (websters are mute, but newsgroupers are mostly blind and deaf). Moreover, all these masterpieces were nothing but TITLES that you could click on at SubSITE. Most of you won't be BOTHERED to wait that 10 seconds for a giant piece of color phantasmagoria to download. (I won't either, except for SubGenius art, 3D gimmicks or pornography.) I desperately want to use ALL the art mines illos as "spot" illustrations everywhere else in the website, matched to articles and things preferably... and that will be done, by slaves. But in meantime I was faced with the problem: WHERE TO BEGIN??? There's just SO DAMN MUCH GREAT ART.
And while inflicting pain on a hamster, I had a brilliant scheme. An evil plan. A way to show off the BEST few dozen holy masterpieces, right up front, AND to finally improve the sloppy look of those pages, AND also BLOW THE MINDS of anyone new to the website, AND/OR highly schooled in the ways of the Web, schooled enough to "get" the prank I devised.
I am very proud of the insidiousness of my little scheme. It is fiendishly clever if I do say so. And it's DONE. Even I died tomorrow, and WASN'T able to swap out on a weekly basis the 11 different versions of the opening index home page (each of which triggers a different sequence of subsequent pages), SUBSITE WILL STILL APPEAR TO THE NEW VISITOR (or the old) TO BE CHANGING AND MUTATING EVEN AS YOU USE IT.
What I call the first 3 pages of SubSITE are the first three that you're DESIGNED to see the first time, and which are in fact the most seen according to our access logs: the opening page, the SLACK FIST OF RETRIEVAL page, and finally the big "CLUTCHES OF THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL" main detailed index.
Those haven't hardly changed in a year or more, and I was never happy with them. I laid 'em out using ANY digital art I had on hand at the time, most of it stolen from older SubGenius websites. Now they have the coolest art in the universe, and it's different art every day. (I'll probably fiddle with 'em even more, when I get the free time. (HAHAHAHAHAH!!!))
And here's what's creepy about it. IF you happen to use those "BACK TO PREVIOUS PAGE" buttons at the bottom of my pages (rather than the browser's "back one page" button) -- you won't be going back to the same page. You'll be going AHEAD, to the NEXT VERSION of that previous page.
And if you use that "back to" button on OTHER pages in SubSITE, you go back to yet a THIRD version of that page.
A person totally trapped in the loop would be able to go around ELEVEN TIMES before he or she saw any two versions of a page that were the same.
Wanna take that loopy ride, and see EVERY VERSION, with all their ASTOUNDING ILLUSTRATIONS, GIFmovies and QUIRKS? HERE'S HOW.
Say today's front page happens to be version #3 (which it is today -- the "HELL" themed version, which appears to be on fire). Click on either the Dobbshead or the phrase "THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL."
Those take you to the FIST page, version 3. Near the top of that you'll find the ONLINE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL link -- hit that now. (DON'T hit "OPEN THE GATES OF PARADISE"; that takes you to virus.html first, our fake virus, which connects to whatever that day's DEFAULT Fist-page is). Got that? Always hit the PHRASES "STARK FIST."
This will take you from fist3.html to fistclutch3.html. At the bottom of that page, hit "BACK TO PAGE ONE" -- instead of going back to index3.html, it goes FORWARD to index4.html -- which goes through the "4" series and ends by taking you to the 5th series... and so on. I have other booby-traps sprinkled here and there elsewhere in the site so that one may suddenly be looking at an all-new FIST-index page when trying to "go back" from ANYWHERE.
How else can I get you people to see what Sterno, Fernandinande, Poindexter, Funway, Friday, and all the rest have done?? How else can I show these artists just how TOTALLY ALL-OUT COOL I think their work is? How else can we make youth on drugs who happen to stumble upon SubSITE believe that DOBBS IS MAGICALLY FUCKING WITH THEIR HEADS AND THEIR EQUIPMENT FROM AFAR?? Well, actually there are a number MORE ways that we need to be doing that, but one thing at a time.
After this fortnight I'll stop changing the SubSITE index DAILY, and just change it every week or whenever I feel like it or remember to.
What worries me is this. The artwork's still being created at just as feverish a pace. Fernandinande sends about 3 KILLER pics here a day. WHAT DO I IN GOOD CONSCIENCE DO WITH THIS STUFF, OTHER THAN TRY LIKE HELL TO MAKE THE WORLD REALIZE IT EXISTS?? What it's GOOD for besides just LOOKING at for hours, I DUNNO.... maybe make into a CD ROM, DUHH!!!! but... you can't really jack off to most of it. Maybe one or two of the pieces in the Psycho-Porno gallery stash.
Which changes every couple of weeks too, by the way. You oughta take a few hits of Belladonna and then check out the new stuff on that page!! (gallery5.html in the Mines). YOU'LL VOMIT!!! SERIOUSLY!
Heck, most of you probably never saw Art Mines tunnels 6, 7 or 8 EITHER!!
I just had an idea. Here's what you do. PAY YOUR KIDS 25 cents an hour or whatever to go through the Art Mines and Porno Stash, SAVING each picture onto your disk! Then you can later, at your convenience, use some graphics viewing program to "SLIDESHOW" it all for you at once (the way I get to see it, and they way it would work on a CD ROM!!!!). Never waste your own time downloading SubSITE art when you can get a serf, robot or child to do it. I wonder if a dog could be trained to do that, or a parrot. A chimp or gorilla, definitely.
I really had not planned to suddenly drop everything and work on the cosmetic layout of SubSITE. I had PLANNED to drop everything and index-up the 2 or 3 HUNDRED TEXT thangs that have already been uploaded. But got-dayem it. The art was just TOO FUCKING GOOD to ignore for ANOTHER MINUTE.
Also, the access logs show that the next two most visited pages at SubSITE after the indexes are the Art and the "games" or binaries downloading areas. People like the high tech stuff.
All of this merely underscores our failure at the REAL goal. The REAL goal is to make the ORDER FORM in the ONLINE CATALOG be the very most "hit" page of SubSITE. As it is, scatalog1.html alone is only like the 6th most hit page. WE MUST NOT SLEEP UNTIL SCATALOG1.HTML GETS MORE HITS THAN FIST.HTML!!!
"STAY AWAKE!! BRING IN THE MONEY! CAST OUT NHGH!! STAY AWAKE!! BRING IN THE MONEY! CAST OUT NHGH!! STAY AWAKE!! BRING IN THE MONEY! CAST OUT NHGH!! STAY AWAKE!! BRING IN THE MONEY! CAST OUT NHGH!! STAY AWAKE!! BRING IN THE MONEY! CAST OUT NHGH!! STAY AWAKE!! BRING IN THE MONEY! CAST OUT NHGH!! STAY AWAKE!! BRING IN THE MONEY! CAST OUT NHGH!! STAY AWAKE!! BRING IN THE MONEY! CAST OUT NHGH!! STAY AWAKE!! BRING IN THE MONEY! CAST OUT NHGH!! STAY AWAKE!! BRING IN THE MONEY! CAST OUT NHGH!! STAY AWAKE!! BRING IN THE MONEY! CAST OUT NHGH!!"
I am now going to try to recuperate. Dobbs would approve of that, surely. I need Slack... MUST have Slack, he SAID so. Dobbs would not GAINSAY me, would he?
Once I had that idea, of endlessly rotating index page layouts, using the most psychedelic artwork we had, I couldn't do anything ELSE until it was executed at least in some crude fashion. Hardly ate and slept. Blew off other work, email, phone calls. I only took breaks when I HAD to, to shovel mulch. (Don't ask.) I got all that mess uploaded last night and collapsed... got up this morning and remembered I HADN'T DONE A DAMN HOUR OF SLACK SHOW!!! NOR DONE MY 1996 TAX ESTIMATING, NECESSSARY TO BEG UP A SCHOLARSHIP FOR MY KID!! AND I DID BOTH THOSE FUCKING TASKS TODAY!!! AND DID THE GROCERY SHOPPING AND COOKED CAULIFLOWER CURRY DINNER!!! AND DIDN'T SMOKE!!! A CIGARET!! KILL!!! KILL!!! KREEGAH!!! BUNDOLO!!! AHEUMSAH!!! PEEDOG! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! OK OK SLACK SLACK>
I tell ya, Dobbs is a harsh fucking taskmaster, and somehow it seems like he's hardest on his self-employed preachers. Ironic. Wouldn't trade jobs for the world, though.
18 MORE MONTHS. 18 MONTHS.
And the world will trade jobs for ME!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I know I'm forgetting something else I'm supposed to tell you. Something important. Almost life or death. Something Jesus reminded me to tell everybody. But I can't remember. It'll come to me the minute I push "SEND."
Those Stark Fist 16-page Interims we mailed out are getting to people. We can tell 'cause we're getting more hang-up calls.They just want to hear our message machines, I guess. Notice the BAR CODE on the label when you get yours, and the 9-DIGIT ZIPCODE. I'll bet you don't even KNOW your Zip plus four. BUT "BOB" DID. Think about THAT!! Me, I can't think about it, or anything else, for very long. I have been able to resist smoking a cigaret for 6 weeks now but to do so while allowing those around me to LIVE, THAT required QUADRUPLING my HABAFROPSIPULOPS dosages. The benefits far outweigh the lost brain cells. The lost brains cells weigh NOTHING. They're GONE! Moot POINT! Nuff SAID! 14 mg NICODERM! 1,400 milligram FROPUDERM!!! OK! OK!
I'm fine though. NO PROBLEM. Fine.
I know that I am still insane; and as long as I know that, I must not be TOO insane. Certainly, insane though I may be, I must be far MORE sane than those HUMAN bipeds mewling and bleating about me?? EH?? To paraphrase my old Marines buddy, Seargeant Janor Hypercleats, "Could a madman have htmled webpages such as these?" I POSE it to you.
I am fine as long as the villagers leave me in peace to work on my experiments. It's when they HOUND me with their STUPID INFANTILE QUESTIONS, their "TAX" questions, their "INCOME" questions, they WASTE MY PRECIOUS TIME when I could be ADMINISTERING THE DOSAGES to the SUBJECT, WHY can't they leave me in PEACE!???! I could have MACHINES produce that radio show now. LET the robots do it! My god I have FAR MORE VITAL work to do here. We are on the very VERGE of breathing LIFE into the beast! The carcass I mean! I mean the SUBJECT! THE CHURCH!!! YES! We await only the next lightning storm. Any day, this is the perfect season for it in Texas. I dare not try to tap the city power, they will KNOW. The Masons will suspect. Jesus thinks I don't know. I know ALL ABOUT THAT particular little bag of dirty tricks! TALKING MONKEYS indeed. What do LEGUME or JESUS know of TALKING MONKEYS?? I shall show them all. They shall all KNOW!!! They shall KNOW what I STANG HAVE DONE!!! AND THEN THE MOUNTAINS SHALL RING WITH MY BRAYING MOCKING LAUGHTER!!! JANOR WILL JOIN ME IN TRIUMPH AND MOCKERY AND KINGDOMS WILL FALL AT OUR COSMIC GALES OF DERISION, TEARS STREAMING LIKE MIGHTY RIVERS FROM OUR EYES SO AMUSED ARE WE AT THINE FIXED-LEGGEDNESS! Milling about as you are in your cage of three dimensions. You'll see, you'll ALL see. If they would just stop HOUNDING me. Ha, look at them out there. Ha. They have torches this time. The poor blind fools.
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