"Oh, a Negro got that job instead of me 'cause of Affirmative Action, and that's why I can't quit drinkin'!"
"Oh, that LIBERAL BIASED MEDIA controls everybody else's minds, they're all such SAPS to fall for it, that's why I can't get a date!"
"Oh, an incompetent woman is my boss! Everything's been fucked up ever since Women's Lib, that's why I can't get ahead! In fact, I oughta SMACK my wife one!"
"Oh, I have to live on UNEMPLOYMENT nowadays because of all those LUCKY MEXICANS that got all the SPECIAL EXTRA RIGHTS!"
"If those LIBERALS weren't screwing up America with their PAINTED HARLOTS, women would see the MANLINESS beneath my OBESITY and I wouldn't have to PAY them to fuck me!"
"The One World New Order wants me to pay CHILD SUPPORT just because I'm the kid's FATHER!"
"I'm a VICTIM of BILL CLINTON! He's just like HITLER! EXACTLY like Hitler! Democrats are Socialists!"
(I have actually heard that last one said with a straight face. I can see that there are some world history EXPERTS out there!)
Let me get this straight. If you, me or ANY OTHER CITIZEN besides Clinton got caught with his pants down like that, we'd instantly lose our jobs and probably even go to jail, followed by Hell. But since he's Emperor, he's untouched. Like he has been so far. Right? Perfect logic. Let's extrapolate.
"Mz. Conspiracy Media Hog? My name is Tripp. I happen to have evidence that Ivan Stang cheated on his wife! Right there in the SubGenius Foundation office! With a DACHSUND that was his EMPLOYEE! We even collected some STANG SPUNK that we scraped off the poor little animal's pelt. This should certainly have some bearing on that BESTIALITY charge he slipped out of last year!"
"Lady, who the FUCK is Ivan Stang, and why should I care what he and his runty dogs do? Go take your evil gossip somewhere else, you nasty venal BITCH!" CLICK. BUUZZZZZZZZZZ
But actually that wasn't what I was pissed off about today.
Yesterday, way down near the back of the Dallas Morning News (part of the elite liberal media conspiracy that INEXPLICABLY always endorses Republicans in their editorials, never once MENTIONED George Bush's mistress in Switzerland or Dan Quayle's pot dealer, and thought Ollie and Ron were right to lie about secret wars)... WAY down in the back in the column of little "who cares" news items, was a paragraph stating that 1998 was the hottest year the planet has ever had, as determined by world weather records. The temperature has steadily gone up, little by little. You know -- typical eco-nut hysteria. A whole paragraph of it.
Today, down on page 21 of that Commie newspaper, a story said that a bunch of Commie scientists got together at one of those U.N. (i.e., NEW WORLD ORDER!!!) conferences and said the world's population of humans was about to hit 6 billion. It will probably be around 10 billion by 2040. That's twice as many billions as we had in 1987. That's twice as many cookfires and twice as much CRAP. THERE ARE NOT NEARLY ENOUGH RUBBERS OR ABORTIONISTS TO GO AROUND!
But, the fact that my grandchildren will have to wear sunglasses, skin cream and hats any time they go out -- as will sheep, cows, horses, dogs and goats, unless Farmer Jones wants half-blind ones -- that's not even what's pissing me off. DUH! After July 5 there won't be NEARLY the population problems, PRAISE "BOB"! And my grandkids will probably be decanted on Escape Vessels far off-planet anyway, since my children are SubGenius $30 Ministers.
No, what's pissing me off is this. First, I was pondering how unfortunate it is that I have to live under laws based on The Ten Commandments, just because everybody else believes in invisible space monsters that write rulebooks on tablets of stone. But, this is a democracy, and majority rules. DANG! Then I got to pondering The Ten Commandments themselves. I've always maintained that most of that advice SHOULD be COMMON SENSE that GOES WITHOUT SAYING. But apparently, many people are so greedy, violent, rapacious and generally naughty that they must constantly be reminded not to steal, kill, lie, etc.
But then -- some of the Commandments don't really make much sense. Like, what's with this No Graven Images business? That means you're DAMNED for having that picture of Mom on your bedside table!
But THEN I got to realizing -- what's WRONG is that there aren't ENOUGH Commandments that DO make sense. They left a lot OUT. What about, oh, I dunno, Thou Shalt Not Irreparably Trash the Biosphere? Or at LEAST Thou Shalt Not Litter. Who would argue with that? Thou Shalt Send "Bob" Thine $30. Thou Shalt Not Be a Repetitive Long Winded Windbag. Thou Shalt Not Be a Thou-Shalt-Notter!
I brought this up on ESO radio last night, and the conversation got sidetracked into an argument about what a "Notter" was, and how in junior high all the notters would go over behind the fence and NOT. So we never did come up with any new Commandments.
Fuck it... we always have The Law.
Not to pee on the carpet, That is the Law. We are NOT MEN. Not to sniff the visitor's crotch, That is the Law. We are NOT MEN. Not to talk back to the boss, that is the Law. We are NOT MEN. Not to chase the giggling secretary around the room, that is the Law. We are NOT MEN. Not to wear white socks OUTSIDE of gym class, or black socks IN gym class, THAT is the Law. We are NOT MEN. Not to go out without tons of make-up, that is the Law. We are NOT MEN. Not to Question the Lynch Mob, THAT is the Law. We are NOT MEN!
And another thing. How come when that poor beset Catholic, Clarence Thomas, got accused of attempted naughtiness with Anita Hill, she was a HUMORLESS BITCH WHO CAN'T TAKE A JOKE (which I agree she is) -- but when that happens to Paula Jones, she's a poor victim of the terrible conspiracy of amoral sex fiends? Oh, that's right, there are NEKKID pictures of Paula Jones that you can jack off to. That poor, poor victim of terrible men.
I have worked in MANY offices, and what's sometimes called "sexual harrassment" goes on CONSTANTLY in ALL of them. However, it's USUALLY what's also called "flirting" and "teasing." Some women and men don't like to be flirted with or teased, and so we DON'T PESTER THEM. But some of the other men and women (the smart, friendly ones) are sort of HURT if you don't flirt and tease back and forth with them a little. (It's an ancient primate grooming thing, you wouldn't understand.) "Sexual harrassment" or "flirting" can become almost interchangeable, depending on which way you're out to GET somebody.
If a guy is so fucking drunk that he just whips his dick out and grins stupidly at the horrified woman, well, that's probably NOT REALLY a good way to get laid. It's a good way to get THROWN IN JAIL.
But we were recently accused of being a CHILD PORNOGRAPHY CULT. In a serious manner. Policemen came and looked around. Just because some fucker (we dunno who, the cops wouldn't say) wanted to cause us trouble. Just because he (or she) hates the way we make fun of some things. I GUESS. It couldn't HONESTLY accuse us of ANYTHING, so, it just made up the lie that would cause the most trouble. The fact that the so called "child pornography" it was talking about turned out to be a couple of books in the HUMOR and SCIENCE FICTION sections of most large bookstores, ended that little ordeal quickly.
But I can't imagine that good moral upstanding Christian citizens or industries would do such a thing, just because they didn't agree with somebody's beliefs, can you?
Just because I attack the lynch mob, doesn't mean I'm in love with Bill "Pink Boy" Clinton. That would be like me saying that just because you hate Clinton, it means you suck Dick Armey.
Although... me, I'd rather have wad of bills in my mouth than dicks! If it CAME to that.
(A little "sexual harrassment" humor for you!)
*******
CRIPES!!! What am I doing, sitting hear HOWLING at DEAF EARS!! I have a PAYING JOB that I'm WAY BEHIND ON!
It's YOUR fault! I'm a VICTIM!
I guess I've been feeling guilty that I haven't done my CIVIC DUTY and spoken up for secular rational humanism and "the middle of the road" -- i.e., the FORCES that would DELIBERATELY TEAR DOWN ALL TRADITIONAL FAMILY VALUES, AND EVERYTHING HELD DEAR BY GOD FEARING AMERICAN PEOPLE, OFFERING NOTHING WITH WHICH TO REPLACE IT! (Actually, that's the way my dad used to describe "hippies." I think it has a nice ring to it.)
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Original file name: Not Enough Commandments
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