The Church of the SubGenius h.q. here in Dallas NEEDS WARHEADS! Not nuclear warheads; we already have 3 well placed Ukrainian-made ones, and we're tired of amateurs trying to MAIL us their crappy home-made bombs, most of which turn out to be duds anyway! No, I'm talking about a CANDY called "WarHeads" or MegaWarheads.
You know how, just when you've finally discovered a make and model of a product that PERFECTLY SUITS YOUR NEEDS, the Conspiracy goes and DISCONTINUES or BANS it? This is one of those cases. I'll admit this isn't a "the Foundation is broke again" crises; I, Stang, simply want "more them kind candy, Bod"... a truly sublime poebucker brand of candy that I can no longer find at candy counters here in North Texas. And its not just for me. There are WarHead-dependent SubGeniuses all over the country who would benefit, nay, mayhaps even find a new reason to go on living, with your help.
MY WARHEAD EXPERIENCE
I never cared for candy all that much, before. Take it or leave it. Until I discovered MegaWarHeads. I bought 'em because of the picture on the bag -- a cartoon face with grotesquely puckered lips, a startled expression, and a mushroom cloud coming out of his exploded skull. CAUTION, it says on the package, "First 50 seconds are EXTREMELY INTENSE! Hang in there!" On the back of the bag is a chart: HOW BRAVE ARE YOU? It graphs "Time Warhead Remains In Mouth" with advice like: 5 sec. -"Stay with it." 15 sec. -"Now you feel the power." 25 sec. -"We know you're suffering." 35 sec. -"Victiory is almost yours." 50 sec. -"You made it! You're a Mega WarHead Hero!"
A cutaway drawing shows the outer shell of Sour Powder, which is not powder at all but very hard, the variously flavored lollypop middle, and the "Juice Powder" (?) center.
For once, the advertising isn't misleading. These things really do bring tears to your eyes. Putting one in your mouth is itself a VIOLENT ACT. The sourness of a WarHead, particularly Lemon, is utterly indescribable. It triggers quake-like brain spasms and convulsions over the whole musculature. Maybe someone who has taken way too much LSD and then bitten into 3 lemons at once could imagine the sensation. And that's just it. Some of us just can't take LSD once every hour any more. WE MUST HAVE WARHEADS INSTEAD to achieve that "rush." But here's the problem.
THEY APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN DISCONTINUED OR BANNED. The last 50 bags I bought in Dallas were all marked down for clearance; never saw 'em again here. Found a few Apple flavor in Cleveland but they're gone now. Donna Kossy of the Kooks Museum in Portland (BLESS HER HEART) sent me the Blue Raspberry flavor -- AND THEY WERE MARKED "CLEARANCE" TOO!!! Slowly but surely, working from south to northeast and then sweeping west, the black-hearted, numb-tongued, wimpy-taste-budded Conspiracy agents have crept into stores and removed THE ONLY CANDY I EVER LOVED!!!
I have only been able to try Watermelon, Apple, Lemon, and Blue Raspberry. These are all examples of the SOUR WarHeads. I have heard legends of "hot" WarHeads in other flavors -- are these a myth? MY GOD if I could but KNOW!!
The package reveals only this:
"The Original Mega WARHEAD -- imported exclusively by The Foreign Candy Companies, Inc., IOWA, Product of Taiwan." Undoubtedly, a noble army of Chinese Rogue SubGeniuses, rebels of taste/hedonism technology, masters of chemistry, Essene Rabbis, OPENERS OF THE GATES OF PERCEPTION, heartlessly SHUT DOWN and STAMPED OUT by the Frankenstein computer-god PURVEYORS OF BLANDNESS, those who would allow only PINKNESS even in FLAVORING, whose very idea of "flavoring" is MERE SUGAR & SALT! While WE, WE the MUTANTS, demand to realize our FULL POTENTIALS as LIVING BEINGS, savoring ALL EXTREMES of possible taste, from the bitterness of earwax to the sweetness of Mrs. What'sHerName's home-made real CHOCOLATE! WHAT WILL THEY DO TO US NEXT? TAKE AWAY OUR PACE HOT SAUCE??
THEY BANNED ACID -- DON'T LET THEM TAKE OUR WARHEADS!!!
-- So please, help our cause. HAVE YOU SEEN WARHEADS in your local DRUGSTORE CANDY SHELVES? Were they "marked down?" What flavors? Have you also had, well, let's just call it "the WarHead Experience"? What profound effects did it have on your life? Your sex life? Can you "score" more WarHeads? Know any black-market candy dealers? Information on those little orange chips of chemical that would explode once touched by saliva would also be appreciated.
SEND ALL INFO REGARDING NERVE-WRENCHING TASTE EXPERIENCES AND PRODUCTS! NEVER DILUTE! NEVER DILUTE! MOUTH SLACK INTENSE, INTENSE!! OK OK PRAISE DOBBS
The SubGenius Foundation, PO Box 140306, Dallas TX 75214
P.S., we can receive faxes now, 214-320-1561.
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Original file name: Warheads Rant
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