My take on Matrix II

From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Date: Sat, May 17, 2003

1) Trinity has lost all nose fat. She must have
been visiting Mike L. Jackson's nose fat removal
guy. She needed to wear her sunglasses more. And
show her tits or move her botox'ed face with her
hands or something to indicate she is a thespian.

2) Agent Smith is one of the more prominent actors
working today. It's OKAY if he takes HIS sunglasses
off. At least every now and then. To snarl at
stinky humans. And stuff.

3) Morpheus is getting fat in preparation for his
next role in "The Nutty Professor III". This is why
he always walks around with his arms behind his back.

4) The asshole French guy was gratuitous. He would
have been eating croissants and snails except Americans
would think it was a certain Burger King product. And
what the hell was wrong with his wife's lips? And she's
getting irritated that her husband, A COMPUTER PROGRAM,
is getting a hummer in the john? And things would be
so much *easier* if everybody had program-killing
"silver bullets" like she did.

5) I'm sure Zion has the best muddy mosh pit going.
mosh pits are *fascinating*, especially ones that look
like Lenny Kravitz videos without the half-decent music
and run for 20 minutes, juxtaposed with two barbie dolls
clenching. Face it, the scene is over-dreadlocked.

6) I wonder if, when Morpheus stood up in front of
the mosh pit, if just for a second he wanted to shout,
"Long Live the Fighters!"

7) Maybe if all 100 Agent Smiths were dancing in the
mosh pit like a big gay Secret Service mosh pit or
something...

8) It's a pity that Pat Morita is too old to have
played "The Keymaster". You *know* they wanted him
for the role, since he knows Karate and Kung Fu and
shit like that and could rip people's hearts right
out of their chests and shit.

9) They had the preview of the upcoming "Freddy vs.
Jason movie", which will either be good or suck.

10) "The Programmer" dude should have been dressed
more like Colonel Sanders. I started to fantasize
about the teevee programs airing behind Keanu. Like
if they had all been pr0n or cartoons or something.

11) Why do albino ghost dude programs need employment?
They needed silly foreign accents. French? Irish?
Two wild and crazy guys.

12) Wasn't the dreadlocked pilot just so *cuute!*
You just wanted to hug him and squeeze him and he is
so FUCKING DEAD in the next sequel. I mean he "just
took out an insurance policy, and all the other
cliches better expressed in the comedy 'Hot Shots'"
"Dead Meat" character dead.

13) Eminently forgettable.

--
"A stupid movie WILL NOT make you turn
down a blowjob. Simple as that."
-- nu-monet

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Geo" <geovoice@earthlink.net>

Yep, and I wonder if the directors/writers ever heard of BREVITY?

Rev.Geo

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From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

Maybe they hired the film editor of the first Star Trek movie.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

In all fairness, there was only two really boring
parts: the endless mosh pit and the overdone
fight scene with the dozens of Agent Zachary Smiths.

Interestingly enough, in local Penis news, a
Chandler theater had a mini-riot over the
premier:

http://tinyurl.com/byh4

--
"A stupid movie WILL NOT make you turn
down a blowjob. Simple as that."
-- nu-monet

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: El Queso <""the_cheese_23\"@(nospam)yahoo.com>

That's funny. I live in AZ too, and I missed that one. Hee hee.
Queso

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: El Queso <""the_cheese_23\"@(nospam)yahoo.com>

nu-monet v5.0 wrote:
> 1) Trinity has lost all nose fat. She must have
> been visiting Mike L. Jackson's nose fat removal
> guy. She needed to wear her sunglasses more. And
> show her tits or move her botox'ed face with her
> hands or something to indicate she is a thespian.
>
> 2) Agent Smith is one of the more prominent actors
> working today. It's OKAY if he takes HIS sunglasses
> off. At least every now and then. To snarl at
> stinky humans. And stuff.
>
> 3) Morpheus is getting fat in preparation for his
> next role in "The Nutty Professor III". This is why
> he always walks around with his arms behind his back.
>
> 4) The asshole French guy was gratuitous. He would
> have been eating croissants and snails except Americans
> would think it was a certain Burger King product. And
> what the hell was wrong with his wife's lips? And she's
> getting irritated that her husband, A COMPUTER PROGRAM,
> is getting a hummer in the john? And things would be
> so much *easier* if everybody had program-killing
> "silver bullets" like she did.
>
> 5) I'm sure Zion has the best muddy mosh pit going.
> mosh pits are *fascinating*, especially ones that look
> like Lenny Kravitz videos without the half-decent music
> and run for 20 minutes, juxtaposed with two barbie dolls
> clenching. Face it, the scene is over-dreadlocked.

/I thought I'd fallen asleep and woken up during a Bacardi silver
commercial./

> 6) I wonder if, when Morpheus stood up in front of
> the mosh pit, if just for a second he wanted to shout,
> "Long Live the Fighters!"
>
> 7) Maybe if all 100 Agent Smiths were dancing in the
> mosh pit like a big gay Secret Service mosh pit or
> something...
>
> 8) It's a pity that Pat Morita is too old to have
> played "The Keymaster". You *know* they wanted him
> for the role, since he knows Karate and Kung Fu and
> shit like that and could rip people's hearts right
> out of their chests and shit.
>
> 9) They had the preview of the upcoming "Freddy vs.
> Jason movie", which will either be good or suck.

People actually cheered for this. I was perplexed.

> 10) "The Programmer" dude should have been dressed
> more like Colonel Sanders. I started to fantasize
> about the teevee programs airing behind Keanu. Like
> if they had all been pr0n or cartoons or something.
>
> 11) Why do albino ghost dude programs need employment?
> They needed silly foreign accents. French? Irish?
> Two wild and crazy guys.
>
> 12) Wasn't the dreadlocked pilot just so *cuute!*
> You just wanted to hug him and squeeze him and he is
> so FUCKING DEAD in the next sequel.

I got used to seeing him in a wheelchair in HBO's Oz. Show made me wish
I was gay so I coulda appreciated all the gratuitous dong.
Queso

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "NeuroManson" <moc.ibtta@dogegoops>

"nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com> wrote:

> 6) I wonder if, when Morpheus stood up in front of
> the mosh pit, if just for a second he wanted to shout,
> "Long Live the Fighters!"

Either that, or reenact the gang meeting speech from "The Warriors". "CAAAAN
YOUUUU DIIIIIG IIIIIT!!!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ridetheory@yahoo.com (ignatz topolino)

"nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com> wrote:
> 8) It's a pity that Pat Morita is too old to have
> played "The Keymaster". You *know* they wanted him
> for the role, since he knows Karate and Kung Fu and
> shit like that and could rip people's hearts right
> out of their chests and shit.

Even better would have been Rick Moranis, reprising his Louis Tully /
Key Master role from Ghostbusters II.

iggy topo

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From: Sean_Lydon@yahoo.com (Rev. Sean Scrotum)

I just wished Morfy (Cap'n Dan on Pee Wee's Playhouse to all you kids
out there) began his mosh speech like sean Connery's Zardoz evil penis
chant

-Rev. Sean Scrotum, who laughed like an idiot every time Keanu made
like Superman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Jihad Frenzy" <cht@gis.net>

Sean_Lydon@yahoo.com (Rev. Sean Scrotum) wrote:
> I just wished Morfy (Cap'n Dan on Pee Wee's Playhouse to all you kids
> out there) began his mosh speech like sean Connery's Zardoz evil penis
> chant

HAH! I MOCK your inferior memory!

Repeat after me! Cowboy Curtis! Cowboy Curtis! Cowboy Curtis!

That's the Pee Wee's Playhouse character he portrayed, back when he was
just plain old Larry Fishburne.

--
Rev. Jihad Frenzy

"I've got monkeys in my pants!"
Robert John Cusack

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ridetheory@yahoo.com (ignatz topolino)

"You know what they say, Pee Wee: 'Big feet, big... SHOES'!" -- Cowboy Curtis

iggy topo

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@subgenius.com>

So you guys hate Keanu because he can only play one kind of character.
And you hate Laurence Fishburne because he obviously can play everything
from Morpheus to Cowboy Curtis. I'm beginning to think you people are
inherently disgruntled at the very marrow of your natures and that
nothing will ever satisfy that aching emptiness inside you. Nothing but
blue-haired anime chicks flashing their panties at you as they giggle in
a foreign language.

--
They are mean because they are rejects from society.

--Bill Palmer on SubGenii

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com>

Boy have YOU got the wrong number.

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From: Sean_Lydon@yahoo.com (Rev. Sean Scrotum)

> So you guys hate Keanu because he can only play one kind of character.
> And you hate Laurence Fishburne because he obviously can play everything
> from Morpheus to Cowboy Curtis. I'm beginning to think you people are
> inherently disgruntled at the very marrow of your natures and that
> nothing will ever satisfy that aching emptiness inside you. Nothing but
> blue-haired anime chicks flashing their panties at you as they giggle in
> a foreign language.

There's a different between finding humor in something and hating
something. I save my real hate for parties, etc. But I have nothing
aganst Larry Fishburne or tee heeing anime babes :)
-Rev. Sean Scrotum

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Reverend DJ Epoch <niunyabiz@noway.com>

"Rev. Jihad Frenzy" <cht@gis.net> wrote:
> Sean_Lydon@yahoo.com (Rev. Sean Scrotum) wrote:
>
>> I just wished Morfy (Cap'n Dan on Pee Wee's Playhouse to all you kids
>> out there) began his mosh speech like sean Connery's Zardoz evil penis
>> chant
>
> HAH! I MOCK your inferior memory!
>
> Repeat after me! Cowboy Curtis! Cowboy Curtis! Cowboy Curtis!
>
> That's the Pee Wee's Playhouse character he portrayed, back when he was
> just plain old Larry Fishburne.

DeeeYamm, I had completely missed that connection.

Ok, let's see how this plays out.. considering an artcle in the paper
today said how Keanau trained so hard for the kung fu scenes and got beat
on so much from demanding retake after retake that he had to take ice
baths to numb the pain...

Christopher Reeve - Superman I/II/III/IV - Flys around like Superman in
the movie. Catches leading lady who falls from tall building. Stops
bullets with his bare hands. Succumbs to the dreaded "Superman curse" and
becomes wheelchair-bound after falling off horse.

Keanau Reeves - Matrix I/II - Flys around like Superman in the movie.
Catches leading lady who falls from tall building. Stops bullets with his
bare hands. Recovering from excessive kung fu training and fight scene
retakes leaving him bruised and in pain. Future incapacitation due to
accumulated bruising and joint damage?

Moral: Don't fly around in a movie like Superman, catch women falling
from tall buildings and stop bullets with your bare hands or you're
screwed.
_________________
-- The Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion
-- Cathedral, Carwash and Dancehall
-- Home of the Traci Lords Memorial Brothel
-- Reverend DJ Epoch, prop. and janitor

Divine Southern Redneck Yeti Clench Recruitment site at:
http://revdjepoch.US

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: jestus777@yahoo.com.au (THE Jesticles est. 199x)

Reverend DJ Epoch <niunyabiz@noway.com> wrote:
> "Rev. Jihad Frenzy" <cht@gis.net> wrote:
> DeeeYamm, I had completely missed that connection.
>
> Ok, let's see how this plays out.. considering an artcle in the paper
> today said how Keanau trained so hard for the kung fu scenes and got beat
> on so much from demanding retake after retake that he had to take ice
> baths to numb the pain...
>
> Christopher Reeve - Superman I/II/III/IV - Flys around like Superman in
> the movie. Catches leading lady who falls from tall building. Stops
> bullets with his bare hands. Succumbs to the dreaded "Superman curse" and
> becomes wheelchair-bound after falling off horse.
>
> Keanau Reeves - Matrix I/II - Flys around like Superman in the movie.
> Catches leading lady who falls from tall building. Stops bullets with his
> bare hands. Recovering from excessive kung fu training and fight scene
> retakes leaving him bruised and in pain. Future incapacitation due to
> accumulated bruising and joint damage?
>
> Moral: Don't fly around in a movie like Superman, catch women falling
> from tall buildings and stop bullets with your bare hands or you're
> screwed.

Everyone knows that actors are big fluffy saps in real life (kinda
like nenslo). I'm not suffering any, and I do that shit for real.

Keanu should realize his roots and go join a few more cuntry clubs.

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Original file name: My take on Matrix II.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05