Slack for the HandyCapped

From: (Andrew Campbell)

Sometimes, as it's sitting in front of its giant-screen mega-high-definition
TV watching bad sci-fi and mixing up its latest experimental batch of DNA,
JHVH-1 likes to take a few planet-size sips of the cheapest wine at its local
7-11. (And you thought it could afford /champagne/?! Contrary to popular
belief, playing God is /not/ a high-paying job.) However, a few sometimes gets
to be a few more, and it's /real tough/ to get those double helices to stick
together even when you're in your left mind, and damn near /impossible/ when
you're in your galaxy-size cups. As a result, the genes sometimes get a bit
kinked, and somebody the Normals label "handicapped" gets born.

Whether it's "blindness," "deafness," "retardation," "Black," "White,"
"SubGenius," or any of the other countless subjects of telethons and
televangelists, some of us get slapped with more designer labels than can be
found at any Pink fashion outlet. At first, this might seem like a hellish
way to live, but it's not a problem if you're one of "Bob's" Kids(tm). Here
are some examples, taken from my personal experience as a "partially sighted"

Having a HandyCap can, in fact, be quite handy. People don't expect us
"defective" Abnormals to know our kidneys from our genitals, so it's easier
to impress them just by doing /really simple things/ like crossing the street
without help. By the same token, it's amazingly simple to get out of a jam
by saying "Duh, I dunno, uh, I'm handicapped."

Of course, welfare's been one of The Main Issues(tm) lately, and some of us
products of JHVH-1's propensity for drinking on the job are on welfare. The
/real/ lucky ones--unfortunately, this isn't me--are considered "unemployable"
and get to really rake it in. What a shame--they /can't/ go to some
brain-eating job, they don't have the physical and/or mental /capacity/ to
bend over and kiss some Pink Overseer's underside, can't /see/ to weave a
Slack-robbing /car/ they can't even afford through SmogLand, just to be
punctual, etc., etc. It's enough to make a good, old-fashioned, hard-working,
ethical, honest LIEberal ConServe-ative politician /jealous/!

Then, of course, there are those who say that those with HandyCaps are
somehow /limited/. Well, maybe they're right--some can't /see/ how ugly some
megamalls really are, some can't /hear/ the subliminal brain-soiling messages
spewing from Barney the Purple Pink's south end, some can't /think/ about much
of anything beyond getting cool stuff like Dr. Pepper and cigarettes...Oh, the
limitations of the Physically and Mentally Enhanced.

Fortunately, the Enhanced who are familiar with being institutionalized are
also familiar with the Con's plans for the entire populace, though they may
not know it. Rehab centers, schools for the deaf and blind, group homes,
huge mental hospitals, and the like are just the proving grounds for the Con's
Plan. They are all PRIME TARGETS for the distribution of SubGenius
literature, tapes, and other stuff. If you don't know what these places are
like, you might try touring one some time--It's family fun for everyone; and
if you /do/ know what they're like, there's ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for not
sending US$30 to The SubGenius Foundation, PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
| Andrew Campbell <> | "But it doesn't /have/ no onions |
| St. Andrew the Unsure, KSC, K5C | on it!" |
| Anti-CEO, AnarCorp Discorporated | --Some kid |
| `finger' for PGP public key |


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Original file name: Slack 4 the Handicapped

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