The GAP Con

From: (Rolf Hanson)
Subject: the GAP con [LONG]
Date: 13 May 1995

this is swiped from the BEASTIE BOYS homepage thing...good stuff, though.
Yuppie Conqueror Hugh Gallagher Offers His Unique Verson of Clothing History

We've all seen Gap ads around town and in the mags, where artists of
our day are posing in white bread clothing, trying to suck us into the
scam. Although some of you consider it a sell out, it's much more
than that. The Gap is not just a clothing line. With its vast
interests in other, equally execrable clothing conglomerates such as
Banana Republic, the Gap is nothing less than... a front for global

In these turbulent times, the government is desperately searching
for some type of population control in order to protect their vested
clothing interests. If you control the way a person dresses, you
control their minds. Radical clothes go hand in hand with radical
thought, and thus, the Gap. Gap clothes have almost no style: basic
colors, conservatively cut pants, sappy sweaters, soul-absorbing,
"basic" white t-shirts and maybe if we're lucky, a horizontal stripe,
or two. These clothes promote a straight, white, lame
lifestyle, which is just how THEY want us to be.

The GAP is a present day incarnation of the secret clothing society
that has existed throughout modern history, controlling an
international flow of money, arms, drugs, and clothing; an elite core
of powerful men who think that They are the ones who have the right to
dress the planet. In fact, we can trace their activities back to
World War II...

Hitler, for example, was outfitted by the same type of people who
run the Gap. Where do you think the Nazis, from their depressed,
ravaged, pre-war community, got the money for their snappy uniforms?
It was channeled discreetly into Germany's corporate banking accounts
by clothing kingpins in the United States. New uniforms meant an
army, an army meant arms trade, and that meant a war, which, in turn,
got America out of a crushing depression and established us as a world

The funding for WWII came primarily from Brown Brother's
Haberdashery, a megalithic hat corporation. Brown Bros., which would
later evolve into one of the holding companies that at one time
probably held a major interest in the Gap, utilized the hat as their
main method of clothing control. Men all looked the same in their
identical hats, thereby eliminating visual individualism and putting a
kind of metaphorical roof over free thought. Hats also made
everyone's hair look bad, lowering self esteem. Those who rebelled
against "hat head" were forced to do so with hair creams and oils, and
the Brown Brothers Haberdashery just happened to have a
monopoly on all hair care products produced at the time. It was
socially unacceptable for women to wear fedoras, which was part of the
scheme. Hatless women were kept in their place, and made to feel
inferior. And of course, hats were always being lost, crushed, or
left behind, so the clothing barrons were generating a tremendous
inflow of cash from the sale of hats which the world didn't
even NEED. The president, his foreign policy makers, business
moguls and high ranking cabinet officials were part of an Old Boys
Network that centered around clothing. Their families all held stock
in Brown Brother's Haberdashery, and these Bigwigs moved from the
clothing business into government office and back again into the rag
trade, all the while creating policies and laws which conveniently
furthered their plots of global clothing domination and financial

Into this insidious scheme walked JFK, the first one to stand up to
these clothing conspirators. He was a very stylish man, and when the
Old Boys tried to initiate the young Senator into the fold, he defied
Them. Have no illusions about the assassination of Kennedy: it was a
plot perpetrated and carried out by The Gap. The reason? He didn't
wear a hat. At his inauguration, he stood in front of the entire
country, his hair blowing gloriously in the wind, waving in a new era
of social integration, harmony, and full bodied, manageable hair.
Thanks to Kennedy, we got rid of the hat. Unfortunately, he would
later die for it.

The evidence is undeniable. Look at Oswald, The Gap's fall guy.
Is it a coincidence that he was one of the most horribly dressed
assassins to ever train a cross sight? You've seen the pictures of
him, wearing a ratty blue V-neck sweater as the Dallas police lead him
to the station. He was later shot dead by Jack Ruby, who of course
was...wearing a hat. All of these little pieces fall into place.
There is no such thing as coincidence.

Also during the 1960s, civil rights movements and student uprisings
began posing a serious threat to the clothing conspirator's power. As
the black community became more vocal and stood up to oppression in
America, white college students became involved. From this mixture,
along with the music, art work, and literature that fueled the
movement, a new sense of style developed. Look at photos of the early
marches: young men with sunglasses and sideburns, women in patterned
mini skirts and funked out hair. As the protests became widespread,
riots, unrest and civil disobedience occurred throughout the country,
and finally, youth discarded the restrictive, pathetically square
clothing of the fifties and embraced Style. Of course it was
right at this time that assassins cut down key leaders of the people
like Bruce Lee. Then a tremendous, unprecedented flow of drugs poured
into the country: pot, heroin, cocaine, LSD, uppers, downers... These
drugs didn't come from nowhere, and The Gap knew what the drugs would
do when They shipped them in. Young people got hooked, sidetracked and
spaced out from all the drugs, and the movement became fragmented,
disorganized, and unrealistic. But the biggest setback occurred in
the clothing: the development of bell bottoms! No one looks good in
these ridiculous pants, NO ONE. And when the rest of America saw
these drugged out young kids walking around in peace beads and bell
bottoms, the revolutionary movement was over. The kids who didn't do
drugs were shipped off to Vietnam. They put them in a uniform, shaved
their heads, put a gun in their hands and sent them out into the
jungle to frag each other, figuring by the time Charlie was through
with them, they wouldn't care too much about their wardrobe. And it
worked. The kids shut up, the revolution was disbanded and we slid
through the '70s into the '80s.

And here we are in the '90s, recession in America, depression
around the world. The nation states have eroded, and as we slide into
this new era, economic and ideological instability engulfs the planet.
In addition, while we rollerblade around and watch Studs, The Gap is
strengthening its stranglehold. As smaller clothing outlets go
broke, The Gap swoops in and buys them out. Then, through several
puppet corporate fronts they are buying out all aspects of the
clothing trade - the textile manufacturers, the die producers, the raw
materials that go into the clothing, plastics, metals, shipping
corporations, factory outlets... And when they have all of that under
their control, they will expand into the ownership of pharmaceutical
corporations, medical facilities, military contractors, automobile
industries, communications networks, electronics and computer
manufacturers, as well as the producers and distributors of
foodstuffs. At which point small wars and skirmishes will be staged
to gain footholds in different parts of the world. Their control will
get tighter and tighter, our clothing rights will completely
disappear, and by the year 2010 - 2020 if we are lucky - there will be
at most six outfits in the entire world.

You say this is crazy, that it can't happen here, but it isn't
crazy and it is happening here. Indeed, the first steps have already
been taken, but America is so fat, lazy, and complacent that we don't
even see it. The laws are already written: executive orders passed by
Reagan which let the CIA operate legally on domestic soil. The CIA
can walk right into your house, open your closet, and replace all of
your cool clothes with Gap junk - LEGALLY. Laws passed under Nixon
allow the use of military bases and boot camps for the detention and
rehabilitation of citizens, which also is in effect right now. As
this decade progresses, they are going to need more places to lock up
the troublemakers, because they are going to begin rounding us up,
shaving our heads, and putting us in prison uniforms in record
numbers. Anyone who shows the slightest sense of flare or style will
be thrown into prisons and boot camps, where their taste will be
beaten out of them. When they return to the community, they will be
good little citizens who wear good little Gap ensembles.

For those of us whose sense of style is too hard to break...they'll
kill us. The Omnibus Crime Bill contains fifty new counts that will
be enforced with capital punishment. FIFTY. Some of these laws are
kind of strange, if you think about it. Like capital punishment for
anyone caught running guerrilla clothing outlets, black market fabric
trading, and/or instigation of revolutionary fashions. Do you get the
feeling that they're preparing for some sort of backlash? Another
FOURTEEN infractions carrying the punishment of death are vaguely
written clothing offenses, with very tricky wording like: "what the
president deems to be good style...," and "accessories which might
possibly be conceived as clashing components." In other words,
legislative loopholes big enough for the President to drive a
Winnebago through with his eyes closed...on QUAALUDES! Combine that
with provisions in the same bill that nullify the appeals process for
death row inmates, and what we are going to have as we roll into the
New World Odor is an elimination of the stylish members of our
population in record numbers. And it will all be done LEGALLY.
Naturally they are already carrying this plan out.

Why do you think blacks are consigned to their ghetto
jails, induced to kill each other, and relentlessly portrayed in the
media as The Enemy? Because the black community is the best dressed
group of people in the country. Sure Russell Simmons shops at The
Gap, but otherwise blacks have tremendous sense of style that is a
direct threat to The Gap. Consequently, as record numbers of white
kids began buying suede sneakers which were named for a black
basketball star of the 1970s- and started snatching up any other bits
of funky clothing- the Old Boys had no other choice but to start
killing off such stylin' black trendsetters as Willy Smith and Jean
Michel Basquiat.

The gay community is another notoriously well dressed group in our
country. I don't want to offend many people by saying this, but They
are not going to do anything about AIDS, because They look at it as
population control. There will be no mad rush for a cure, medication
will be kept out of the hands of the sick, and by the year 2000,
thousands and thousands of some of the best dressed people in our
country will be dead.

The time to act is now. The longer we hesitate from taking radical
action, the more time They have to undermine our freedom. Racism,
sexism, homophobia, and our general lack of harmony does Their job for
hem. We are so caught up in arguments about abortion, gun rights and
political correctness, pointing fingers and yelling at each other,
that we are missing the Big Picture. The Gap must be defied. We
must, like Ricky Powell, wear clashing components, and one step
further, we must be clashing components. Because once they
tell us how to dress, they will tell us how to think, how to have sex,
what to read, what to watch, what music to listen to, and what to
think. And don't wait for the government to throw a pair of Gap pants
in your face and say: "Wear these, sucker!", because by then it'll be
too late.

So remember, time is of the essence. We must all unite now to
destroy The Gap.

P.S. I don't really believe the Gap killed Kennedy. This is what
we call satire; laugh it up. But the fact that America is dressed
like shit is no joke. This piece was inspired by the ideas of Craig
Hutler, a contemporary political analyst. His office, KC and
Associates, can be contacted at P.O. Box 710, Amanda Park, WA
98526. (206) 288-2652. A very interesting man

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