The TRUTH about Jesus

From: (NENSLO)

Excuse me. There are about a fucking QUADRILLION gods on this
planet alone. I know a lot of people have a lot of stuff to work out
about certain of them, but for christs sake, will you please

You can't join a damn flying saucer cult without finding JESUS at
the bottom of it... "we sent you a messenger two thousand years ago and
now we're back...." ENOUGH WITH THE JESUS! Jesus Shmeezuz! Can there
actually be any grand new revelation about the poor guy at this point?

Look, there are some REALLY COOL gods out there you could be
devoting your effort to - if you're still just thinking or talking about
JESUS you're just doing the same thing the JESUSLOVERS are doing ... You

Eliphas Levi said "what you affirm you create," meaning whatever
you TALK ABOUT ALL THE TIME, you are MAKING REAL. Why not make some COOL
gods real? You want to slam a deity or prophet there are lots of really
nutty interesting prophets and deities to slam - How about Harold Klemp?
Why not expose old Al Crowley or Mohammed or the Buddha or somebody we
haven't had it up to here with?

Come on, do a little research will ya? Another Truth about Jesus
we definitely DO NOT NEED. If you want to know the truth about jesus
just get yourself a red-letter bible and read for yourself what the guy
is quoted as saying. Then you'll know why they had to build a giant
religion around him - to distract you from the fact that he was coming
down hard on THE CONSPIRACY every chance he got, and that it's IMPOSSIBLE
to live up to what he says and still belong to the ONE WORLD ANTICHRIST
RELIGION called Christianity. Forget it. Just forget Jesus okay? Then
after you've forgotten all those hollywood ideas everybody sold you
you'll find out there's some genuine value in there.

Try Durga. She's REALLY cool, kicks SERIOUS ass, yet is
beautiful and charming.

Fed up with all this jesus crap,
-Copyright NENSLO KDV 1995-
Send One Dollar to box 86582 Portland OR 97286
This is a READER SUPPORTED ministry.


Date: 4 Apr 1995

My, my, Jesus must have done something really nasty to you to make you quite
so angry. Either that or He scares you shitless, and you're running away screaming.
Come on, guy, have an open mind. You forcing your 'god' down everyone else's throat
is just as bad as the 'Jesus Freaks' trying to force Him down your throat.

Like it or not, there are A LOT of people who get genuine value out of the Bible and
Jesus Christ, and they're not all freaks. And some of them might even be cool, gracious
and charming.

You can take your own 'gods', I really don't care. But I won't disparage yours if you
don't disparage mine.

Unashamed to be a Christian--

-- Amy F.

"I got a thing,
you got a thing,
everybody's got a thing"

-- George Clinton


From: (SBJohnston)
Subject: Re: The TRUTH about Jesus

Amy repented:

>I had no idea this was a religious-based newsgroup. The name is mighty

Almost any newsgroup could be "religious" -- particularly those in the
alt. domain. The "seekers" of worship Xuxa, don't they? The
name of this group, alt.slack, is completely discriptive -- you want
Slack? Come here. You don't want Slack? Don't come here. It seems
straightforward to me, but then again, I want Slack. I'm a martyr for

hmmmm. Maybe not.

Steve The Reverend Doktor S-bo
"Shoot! A fella could have a pretty good weekend in
Dallas with all that stuff." Slim Pickens


From: (Doktor BoogieDown) wrote:
>Please see my other response posted on this thread.
>I had no idea this was a religious-based newsgroup. The name is mighty

Yeah, I guess this newsgroup should be named,
or, or

----- - Brian.D.Bisson@Miami.FL.USA.Earth.Sol.mway
Doktor, Church of the SubGenius - #include <ordainshipscription.h>
Excrimeditated Congregation of the Overinflated Head of L. Ron Hubbard
HTTP:// for a dose of SubMediaBlasphemeWorship


From: (Magna Mater Pizza)

I agree TOTALLY with the Mighty Assassinated Nenmaster. The unfortunate
thing is that most of the people here just wouldn't get the joke if I
posted a satire of ORPHISM or CYBELE or ZEUS or AHURA-MAZDA.

Sure, Zeus would be easy. Zeus hanging out at a bar sort of like
Leasure Suit Larry and he meets a modern woman with a stun gun.
She applies 50,000 volts straight to his dick. He deserves it.
How did the Greeks ever tolerate such a SEXIST diety. He was a
wife beater too.

And did I ever tell you about the SEVERED HEAD of Orpheus? The Thracian
women cut him to pieces and tossed his head in a river. It floated
out sea singing all the way! YES, the HEAD continued to sing even
as it washed ashore on some Greek island where they built a shrine to him.

And the worshippers of Cybele ("the GREAT MOTHER") would dance around
her image in an ecstasty ending with certain men CATRATING themselves
and tossing their SEVERED MEMBERS at the statue. Is *that* a trip or

As for the Persian prophet Zarathustra, I could create a few rantings
on the Cow Spirit and the Lie. Might have to reread the guy's orginal
stuff, but I've got some of it somewhere.

Gods of the Finns, Aztecs, Mayans, Papua New Guinea, Slavs, Mongols,
Celts, Etrustrans, Minoans -- ALL OF YOU ARISE! You are FORGOTTEN!!!

Epopt of the Exploding Head of JFK. Licensed to blaspheme the Gods
My skull is bigger on the inside than the outside!
Send $1 to SubGenius Foundation, P.O. Box 140306, Dallas TX 75214


From: (dmasson)

In article <3lrnav$>, <> wrote:
>You can take your own 'gods', I really don't care. But I won't disparage yours if you
>don't disparage mine.

Umm, perhaps you should read this again; my take wasn't so much that
this particular message was shitting upon Jesus so much as all the crap
which power-hungry mob-suppressing/exploiting-gonna-suck-you-for-all-your-
worth-give-us-10%-or-go-to-hell-all-in-the-name-of-God-amen churches
continually ooze. Jesus had some reasonably cool and accurate things to
say, it's the fucking power structures which decided to suck off of the
faithful which really ripped humanity a new asshole without the courtesy
to give it a reach around.

But forgive me if I presume, you see, I have an axe to grind.

===Dr Law, Unashamed to attempt to be Christ-like while unabashedly
proud of not being a Christian.


From: (THom)

> I will be more careful about what religious views I espouse in this forum in
> the future.
> -- Amy F.
I believe that you have misunderstood. Where christians killed their god two
thousand years ago and have felt guilty ever since, The Subgenius kill our god
on a weekly basis and call it a party. The above flames are merely our way of
welcoming you to the true experience of your own Yeti-dom.

slack off
Rev. Thanathom

Anyone can be ignorant,
Naivety is something to be strived for.


From: (NENSLO)

The point my unfortunate talent for hyperbole seems to have
prevented me making is this: Fling a slanderous notion in any
direction in this "christian" nation and you're likely to wing Jesus.
No matter the high level of wit or creativity, slamming or mocking
or lampooning or satirizing the only person in our culture more
famous than Hitler does not require any more WORK than making an
O. J. Simpson joke at this point in history. It's TOO EASY for any
self-respecting wit to want to bother with. ANY IDIOT can make a
gag out of Jesus. Is that the company we want to be classed with?
I say NO! Why try for the world's EASIEST target? Why climb
molehills? Where is the sense of achievement in that?

One of the respondents has stated that making jokes about
other gods would be difficult because so few people would
understand them. Yes, it's a MUCH GREATER CHANLLENGE, and the
accolades for anyone who can make a gag about Yaheenga, lost god
of the amazon and STILL MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH are much greater than
those for an offhand swipe OR EVEN A SCATHING MASTERPIECE OF

I was looking for places to sell cartoons once, many years ago.
I kept running into people who said "Your stuff is really funny but
we're looking for something like Kliban or Crumb." Hell, THAT HAD
BEEN DONE! You want something that's already been done then take
what's already been done and read it again for god sakes. WHY

Every GOOD gag about Jesus has already been written, before
the europeanization of this continent. Every BAD gag about Jesus
is being written over and over again RIGHT NOW by people who have
had Jesus "shoved down their throats" (as somebody said) all their
lives and they need to blow off steam. Every LAME AND STUPID gag
about Jesus is repeated continually anytime a band of "atheists"
get together to practice their arcane antirituals.

Your chances of writing the Great American Novel, a Number
One Pop Song, or a Really Funny Jesus Gag are pretty much even.
Damn slim. Yes, that's even a greater challenge than all that stuff
I mentioned before. Just don't get all hurt if you do your tryouts in
a public place and get a frank assessment of the quality of your
work from people who have had it up to here with repetitions of
the same old thing. I'd rather listen to that third-world pop music
that you can't tell if it's from South America, Asia, the Middle
East, or what, except by the sound of the language they're singing
in. At least with that stuff you can't tell they're just saying "Oh
baby I love you so, and I just want you to know, I'll never ever let
you go, wo wo wo wo wo."

Y'know? Am I getting through to you here? Do you see what I'm
saying? Do you have any pride in accomplishment? Any will to
excel? Huh? Do ya? Huh?

-Copyright NENSLO KDV 1995-
Send One Dollar to box 86582 Portland OR 97286
This is a READER SUPPORTED ministry.


From: ("MWOWM")


"If you`re not offending somebody, then you're not doing it right"

speaking for English SubGenius Heresy.

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