News From The InstiToot

From: (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)

News from the InstiToot: A Surprising New Physical Theory
Wherein I Figure Out What To Do Brilliantly And State It
With Great Wit And Wisdom - or - I'll Show Them All!

(View with a monospaced font or you'll hose up the formula.)


The Theory of Relativity has been around long enough now for
many to grasp its fundamental importance. Egomaniacal
astronomers and aging British actors are only two of the
kinds of people who've been able to cash in on the
excitement. The basis for some of the popularity has been
called "the twins paradox" (1), where one twin stays on
earth, while the other zips about creation at relativistic
speeds; the earthbound grows old while the intrepid stays
young. The story never relates as to whether the earthbound
got all the girls in the other's absence, but it's a safe
assumption. But I digress. (2)

The mathematical theorem which Smiling Albert used with such
finesse and verve as to allow others to make careers out of
its presentation is called the Lorentz Contraction equation.
(3) In its mathematical form:
Time observed / 2 2 Time passed
to pass = \/ 1 - ( V / C ) x "at home"

where V is the velocity traveled, and C of course is the
speed of light.

What it shows, simply stated, is that the faster you go, the
slower time runs for you, so that when you arrive home after
a long day's jaunt about the universe, you find it to be
next month and your credit card bills are overdue and have
had interest added to them. The vicarious thrill of watching
this happen is probably the reason that these shows are so
popular with the Public Broadcasting Network crowd, rather
than the prime time "top 3" viewers, who own Ronco products
purchased with money orders from convenience stores.

There are also portions of the theory which have not been
popularized in this manner, basically because no
scriptwriter has been able to figure out how to make use of
them. These other portions state that the faster you go, the
more mass you gain (4), and the faster you go, the shorter
you become in the direction of travel. There are, of course,
parallel equations for these phenomena, but I won't belabor
the point by reproducing them all here. (5)

It is the last of these that I intend to take issue with, as
I have deduced a method of making use of it.

This effect, which I have named the Ztnerol Expansion, is
simply the reverse of the equation showing the decrease is
size. If, the closer to the speed of light you get, the
shorter you get in the direction of travel, then obviously
the slower you go the longer you get. If, at the speed of
light, the dimension shrinks to zero (the equations shows
this is the case) then at a speed of zero, length should
expand to infinity.

The practical aspect of this startling revelation is easy to
derive. Travel usually proceeds by positive acceleration in
the direction desired, and after an amount of time has
passed you arrive at your destination. My proposal is to
obtain the state of arrival by instead, slowing down to
absolute zero velocity, at which time you would have
expanded along the line of travel to every point in the

This would be extremely handy for those who suddenly change
their minds and wish to go elsewhere instead, as they
already are. It would also be of use to those who forgot to
turn off the stove or whatnot, as they're also still at the
starting point. (6)

The primary objection to this idea is the common sense
notion that things are already at rest, so why aren't they
infinite in length? Obviously, they are not at rest. The
Earth rotates at 1,000 miles per hour at the equator, it
revolves around the sun at 66,000 miles per hour, the sun is
traveling through the galactic arm, which is rotating around
the galactic core, and the galaxy is moving away from all
others as a result of the Big Bang. All that moving about
makes things the size that they are. Any disagreement with
this can be met and conquered with the derision usually
reserved for flat-earth fanatics and macrobiotic kharma
channelers. We're obviously not the center of the universe,
why should we expect that we're at rest with respect to
everything else?

Any attempt at achieving this zero velocity point will have
to be done in free space, as all bodies in the universe are
already in motion. I propose then, a rocket be built with a
radically different design departure.

All rockets built so far have the engines at the bottom, for
thrust directed downwards, and an increase in velocity
upwards, or at least forwards if already in space. Note,
this is intended to be a positive velocity increase.
My design would be to build a rocket with the engines on
top, or at the front for a spaceborne rocket. Rather than
speeding the rocket up, these will slow it down by giving it
a negative increase in velocity.

It must be understood that these are not the same as
conventional reentry or "retro" rocket engines. Those are
invariably rear mounted engines, and the spacecraft is
maneuvered so they are pointing forwards. They are in fact
facing the proper direction, but the spacecraft is not. This
design requires that the engines be built in the nose of the
craft, facing the same direction as the crew, as no
scientifically trained crew is going to sit facing backwards
while moving forwards. Even the most veteran subway riders
are loath to travel thus. (8)

I would propose then, that a rocket be built, upside down as
it were, and launched. I might suggest the unused Saturn V
displayed by NASA, as it's already paid for. It would be
mounted upside down at the launch complex, but with the crew
module rightside up. A tunnel through the Earth would have
to be dug. Then the rocket would be launched down through
the tunnel, emerging from the other side of the Earth with
the astronauts hell bent for leather slowing down. As their
speed decreases, they will gain in length.
They can keep an eye on the speedometer and adjust their
direction if they find they're traveling in such a way that
their slowing does not cancel out all motion.

When they finally achieve zero velocity, they will be
everywhere at the same time, and not moving, so that they
can get out anywhere they like for a look around. (9)

To arrive back home in their normal state, they have merely
to rotate the crew module to the opposite direction, turn
their craft around, and speed up.

Since all the astronauts currently is service have been
trained in conventional astro-navigation, it would be too
costly to retrain them. Instead, I propose a different
source of manpower.

With the current top heavy organization at NASA, chock full
of so many managers that the design of Space Station Freedom
is falling apart before it even gets built, I suggest
administrators be pressed into service for this mission.

While it may seem to some an unpleasant prospect, having
management present at all points, I can only answer with
these two replies:

(A) Is that so different from the way it is now? And

(B) Besides, I might be wrong. Think "expendable", like the
vast majority of the rocket equipment they continue to build
at a cost of millions of dollars apiece, designed to be
thrown away after flawless performance.


(1) This is unrelated to the paradox of a baseball team
originating in a state where the ground is covered with snow
for a majority of the year.

(2) From di- meaning two and -gress meaning to move.
Literally, moving in two directions, the basis for this
paper, which you would see if you got your nose out of the
footnotes and got on with the text. But as long as you're
here, you might as well be told that the word is also
related to progress, to move forward, and congress, to move
backwards. Now get back up there. Go on. That's it.

(3) Lorentz is a dead guy. Dead guys get all the good stuff
named after them.

(4) Bad for business. You can't get advertisers or PBS to
broadcast something involving gaining weight.

(5) I do so know what they are. Look, I knew who Lorentz
was, didn't I? Alright, then.

(6) I didn't have a footnote in a while. I like to keep
things consistent.

(7) An interesting psychological effect can be observed by
breaking a subject's concentration repeatedly. They may
begin to pay attention to the distraction rather than the
primary focus and become confused. This is exactly what
happens when they notice a footnote number they seem to have
missed, and go looking back through the text for the
reference to it, without reading the errant message that
tells them that there was no reference in the text. Now, how
many of you went looking for number seven before you got to
the bottom of this footnote? Be honest.

(8) Personal observation. Radicals in the theoretic physics
line don't generally get salaries like those sell out wimps
at the universities and laboratories.

(9) Not even considered yet is the effect on slowing down to
mass. As you approach the speed of light, mass increases
towards infinite. As you slow down, mass would decrease,
making the engines more efficient with less mass to push
towards zero velocity. Implicit in this is the reason why
cars never get as good of mileage as their EPA stickers
state; faster means more mass and more fuel required.
Your mileage may vary indeed.

(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot
ll ll SubGenius Church of Scienfictiontology
Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, Terran Occupation Forces
DynaSoar, Tibetian Rantarian, Chaplain
"Praise "0100 0010 0110 1111 0110 0010" " -- MWOWM

-- The Doctor is on.


Subject: Re: News From The InstiToot
From: (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)

TarlaStar ( wrote:
: Brilliant Idea!!! but I have a question...if they get heavier as
: they slow down, won't they be too heavy to move even if they are
: everywhere at once?(Guess that makes 'em easier to kill).

No, they get heavier (more massive) with greater speed. Less mass with less
speed. Which means if they were at rest, you could throw them all the way
across the universe. Except for the fact that since they were at rest,
they'd already BE there due to infinite size.


From: (Rev. Ivan Stang)

It would seem to me that the only real drawback to the plan would be that,
once the astronauts reached the state in which they were utterly static
and everywhere at once, among the many places they would be would include
the Bowl of "Bob's" Pipe, wherein they would ALSO be being compressed down
to the an infinitely small space. The SPEED of the compresion caused by
"Bob's" sucking would POSSIBLY negate the LACK of speed the astronauts had
acheived elsewhere, causing a Velocity Knot in the Fabric of Space and
everything else in the universe, backwards up the STEM of the Pipe,
leaving pretty much nothing left of the universe except the Pipe itself,
vainly auto-sucking at a True Vacuum.

Of course, some philosophers argue that that's exactly the way things
already are, now.



Subject: Re: News From The InstiToot
From: (Rev. Ivan Stang)

> I'm trying to fit "Bob" into a working system of Christianity inside my
> head using the same reasoning but, if what I hear about the Pope is true,
> then someone has beaten me to it. Shit, that's the turd in the milk.
> Ginsu

Kid, don't even bother. Many have tried to somehow fit the truth of Dobbs
into the legend of Jesus, but THEY JUST DON'T MATCH UP, no matter HOW you
stretch it. Worse, the end result is usually a TOTAL RECONVERSION TO
CHRISTIANITY... because, let's face it, this religion doesn't offer ANY of
the things that make Christianity so attractive to the miserable.

It offers FAR MORE, but it's UNDER THEIR HEADS.

Rev. Ivan "the Filosofer" Stang


From: (Kid Ginsu)
Subject: Re: News From The InstiToot
Date: 20 Mar 1995 23:20:15 GMT

Nicole C. Michaud ( wrote:
: Rev. Ivan Stang ( wrote:

: : It offers FAR MORE, but it's UNDER THEIR HEADS.

: Oh, man, that's what I tried to tell him! It annoys the BEJESUS out of me
: when people start to say "I think I should look into Christianity somm
: more", mainly because I was forced into a nunnery at age 8, but that's
: Ginsu pulled this crap on the way back from the Pittsburgh devival; I
: don't know if I'd worry about it too much, though, I think he just wants
: to get into some Xian girl's plaid jumper, if you know what I mean. Sheesh.

: ---Rev. Nickie

Whadda ya think I meant by the phrase, "Trying to work "Bob"..."into"
"Jesus"?" Besides she said yes and all I have to do is give up "Bob",
accept Jesus, and then she'd sleep with me. So I did all that. I gave
up "Bob". I accepted Jesus. Now she says I'm an insincere hypocrite. I
don't like Christians who call me an insincere hypocrite. Besides, I was
raised Jewish and find it FASCINATING what these Christians have done.
Investigating religion never hurt anyone. The way you talk you'd think
I was investigating NAMBLA or something. I don't want to talk about it.


ps Keep It Up!
pss Watch It.


From: (Lou Duchez)

In article <$>, (Mark E. Smith) wrote:
> Waitaminnit. I thought the CotS was supposed to be "compatible
> with all major religions."

It *is* compatible. (Though "compatibility" was my idea, so it's
probably not fair to hold Stang to it.) The problems in matching
up religions tends to fall into the matter of tone and not details.
(As the Sage Mark Gruenwald once said, the moods of two tales are
not significant as to whether they can be matched up. One narrator
may choose to go for a "film noir" feel, another may opt to play up
the humorous aspects.)

Look at the 12 disciples. Pinks, all of 'em! "Bobbies" of the
worst order ("Jeezies", I suppose). I don't say this because
they were disloyal; I say it because they were disloyal in the
human, sick, "ashamed" sort of way. Hell, Judas didn't even
keep his money! And had they been using 'Frop in Gethsemane, they
could have all just melted away like Odo and blobbed to safety.

Paul gets marks for probably being a rogue SubGenius at heart --
notice how he twisted Christian tenets at will to make them say what
he wanted. And "Bob" was Mary Magdalene's pimp.

St. John of Patmos, were he alive today, would be a filmmaker whose
heart's desire would be monster-movies but he'd have to do projects
for the Conspiracy just to pay the rent, supplementing his income by
selling his rants. In other words, he'd be Stang.

Hey Rev -- what's the deal with this CD-ROM game? Like, is it
something to play on one's home computer, or is it a 50-cents-at-the-
arcade sort of deal? Or what?

Subject: Re: News From The InstiToot
From: (Rev. Ivan Stang)

> In article <$>,
> (Mark E. Smith) wrote:
> > Waitaminnit. I thought the CotS was supposed to be "compatible
> > with all major religions."

Oh, it IS compatible. According to the First Law of Erasibility. Anything
is compatible with the Church, even the most repugnant anti-Dobbsian
spin-offs from some ancient personality cult for have-nots, if it means a
buck in "Bob's" transdimensional back pocket. (See "Buck Naked", alt.slack
Threads #37,896 - 37,954)

> St. John of Patmos, were he alive today, would be a filmmaker whose
> heart's desire would be monster-movies but he'd have to do projects
> for the Conspiracy just to pay the rent, supplementing his income by
> selling his rants. In other words, he'd be Stang.
> Hey Rev -- what's the deal with this CD-ROM game? Like, is it
> something to play on one's home computer, or is it a 50-cents-at-the-
> arcade sort of deal? Or what?

Well, I was staring at this volcano on this island while I was gobbling
down these funny mushrooms, and the vision of the CD ROM GAME came unto

Naw, it wouldn't be an arcade game, it would be a laser disk you'd stick
in your home computer. However it might not be that AT FIRST, and it might
ALSO BE SIMULTANEOUSLY a scaled-down regular floppy program you could
download, or series of such, which were available at our planned Web Site,
which is also "part of the CD ROM game" as well, or a rough pre-structure
of that game, or maybe not.

The CD ROM format would allow more VR-type animation, a la the Residents
freakshow "game." But it would also have a SubGenius encyclopedia buried
in it too.

But the main point of it, above and beyond any technical capabilities or
considerations, is that IT WOULD REALLY FUCK WITH YOUR MIND.

My big job this week is, PREPARING SO THAT OTHERS CAN UNDERSTAND it the
plan I have outlined for this game-website-onlineFist-virus. It's
fiendishly logical in its design yet maddeningly chaotic in effect, I like
to think. But it's a complex document because it links every possible
aspect of the Church together, and that's a long list. I'm trying to
diagram it a bit more neatly, because it can't be fully comprehended
except as a "map." The current diagram itself looks from across the room
like a big spider, with hundreds of very long fingers sprouting off the
ends of its 8 legs.

It's VERY interactive. It's designed to be able to "EAT" you.

In the meantime I've been reading up on how html programming works.
me some of them editing programs. Shit. I should be designing fancy Web
sites for giant megacorporations and making some REAL money.

Oh well. Only 420 more alt.slack posts to go.

(The nightmarish thing is, I have glanced over a few THOUSAND old
alt.slack posts in the last few days. I succeeded in finding a way to SORT
OUT all the 2,000 pages of alt.slack 9-point text that I've saved, into
the gajillion file categories, SEMI-AUTOMATICALLY... mainly just using the
outline formatting in Word and judicious sorting... The idea is to create
a series of funnels into which everything goes from now on, later to be
splooted back out into the world in nice clean easy-to-read forms such as
real books, or online magazines, or whatnot. Eventually to be CHARGED FOR,
heh heh heh. Everybody here will get the first hits for free, of course.

Now if we could just do things so LOGICALLY with the PHYSICAL MAIL...

Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB


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