Bringing Up Baby

by Megaliz

pipe in the womb of connie   There are a few guidelines for the mutant breeder, although none of them apply to every case and even fewer deserve real consideration. NONETHELESS, they will be outlined here for purposes of further confusion.

1. Pregnancy is not for Pussies (or What to Eject When You're Expecting a Yeti)

   If the childbearing partner has any optional organs that she is especially proud of, donate them FIRST. The vigor of the mutant fetus will surely smash your spleen to smithereens. The li'l parasites are also renowned for hoaxes and midnight poker-amas, so it's best to disable the alarm system and ignore all signs of labor until the screaming phase commences. (Note: the "screaming phase" refers to the MALE participant who invariably reacts in this fashion to the slightest gesture of the ferocious BirthingFemme).

   Sleep as frequently as possible, particularly at "work" and at any time that the words "baby shower" are used in your presence. Do not even ENTERTAIN the notion of bilking for baby at one of these gatherings. You won't get anything you actually NEED like FOOD, so don't even try it. You'll end up enduring a parade of petit fours and will trudge homeward with a prize of FIFTY-EIGHT pacifiers and a HEADACHE OF THROBBING PINK DEATH. Your valuable between time is much better spent finding a doctor who is 1) not on the run from the "family" and 2) equally adept at the use of forceps and a catcher's mitt.

   Birth classes are HIGHLY recommended as a one-time-only engagement. Most of the instructions are WRONG or at least HARMFUL, but the fun of watching the other heifers huff is not to be understated. You know how to breathe. Breathing will be the LEAST of your concerns.

2. The Blunder Years (Infancy to Three Life Sentences)

   Nourishment of a very young yeti is an occupation, a CALLING, even. If you have been so foolish as to breed with a Normal, hoping to dilute your fruit, this is the phase where your terrible error will become obvious. Suckling is the EASY part. Once they move on to paintable foods you will discover the importance of pets. Later you will come to value metal detectors and other tools of the trade. Never forget that they will eat ANYTHING and they will not necessarily kill it first. Need a baby sitter? Forget it! That's why they swallowed the swords in the first place! They have ALL DAY to plot their next meal, your job is to ensure that it is more mutant nutrition than blatant attrition. Be alert for the bored and famished spawnling who says, "C'mon Kitty-kitty. We're goin' to HOLLYWOOD!!"

   Don't become overly fond of any possessions or pets, and have all parents of playmates sign a waiver OR be prepared to move in a hurry. Stating your expectations will clarify things for your young, and it will give them ideas. For instance, you should never say, "Today we are not going to the Emergency Room." Every commonly phrased caution may be a cause for inspiration, so it's best to be as inscrutable and distracting as possible when a real danger is presented. When they place a plastic bag over their heads, say something like, "You're going to make SUCCOTASH!" Remember: their every hesitation is your opportunity to suggest something entirely different. They'll figure out how to express their creativity if you can keep them away from heavy machinery long enough.

3. Bleed by Example (Bigger Little Yeti)

   Now that they have their bowels under control, and can even tell a STORY about shit, the real work begins. As if feeding their stomachs wasn't demanding enough, now they are more affable and entirely more dangerous. They demand BRAIN food, they talk in a steady patter which contains just enough interest to prohibit anything other than listening. Normal children can be safely ignored most of the time, but not our li'l mutie folk. By the time they can generate sentences, they have mastered sarcasm and even speaking in Jungs. They will use test words like "serendipitydooda" to see if you are REALLY listening. They will pounce and demand that you fabricate an ORBITALLY CORRECT ANT PLANET before you've had your first cup of sacramental Saturday coffee.

   At this point it becomes obvious that they are COMPLETELY INSANE, because they are the only beings on earth who are genuinely interested in EVERY WORD you have to say about ANYTHING. This is where the real yeti training begins. If you break momentarily and look wistfully at a Barbie Doll, they will make a note of it, and you'll have an infestation of horrid pink girly toys the next time you flip the sofa. It's a mysterious encroachment that even the vigilant parental person will face one day. You can't protect them from ANY of it, but you can PREPARE them. Barbie WILL get into your house, but if you're steadfast, she'll likely be dinosaur food or an interchangeable dump truck driver instead of an ornament of CONdoctrination.

   During this impressionable time, you can discuss most anything with your little people. This will solidify their trust, particularly if you maintain your composure and bury things as needed.

   Revel in this time of whimsical exploration between naps. Enjoy the hell out of it, for tomorrow they will decide you are full of shit.

mental hygien 2