OUT-TAKES FROM REVELATION X -- THE "BOB"APOCRYPHON
A PRAYER TO NHEE GHEE
Why did you do it to me, NHGH? Why did you make me do this terrible thing?
Oh NHGH, please do not notice me as I beg you to ignore me, NHGH! If you
do hear me, NHGH, please FORGET, I IMPLORE you!
I seek to know where you dwell, NHEEGHEE, only that I may know in which
direction to flee from you. Is there a place where you are NOT, NHEEGHEE?
That is what I seek. I must find the place where NHGH is not, and
there I must go.
Oh no! You are here! I must go somewhere else! I must whine! Whine! For
I know, NHGH, that you love a whiner most of all, and that those who are
most afraid of you, NHGH, are those you love the best! Oh KILL me,
Nhee Ghee, KILL me, that I might escape your relentless friendship! Amen.
(art by Morvus Thenu)
It's the bottom of the Ninth, Civilization 37, Nature 1/2, two outs, full
count. Nature steps up, eyes the cold steely pitcher, crosses her fingers
as he tightens his around the calfskin ball in an ironclad grip, cocks his
arm, fires a fast curve, high, dropping, gaining momentum. Nature swings
Nature's swing is low, the ball nicks the top of her bat, foul ball.
-- Renaldo Millamo from KANDYKORN-JACKHAMMER magazine.
This'll probably end up in some SubGenius magazine somewhere in the late
80's or early 90's -- and most people will ignore it, or get a laugh out
of it. Those people don't matter. They won't be laughing long.
"We were just trying to fulfill Biblical prophecy, your honor! That
mass genocide we did -- we were just trying to hurry the Tribulations along.
It's a beautiful Bible story, sir...and we're doing this with love."
The tribulations would be your excuse. You could do anything -- fuck chickens
in public, cut throats. "This is just the beginning of the Tribulations
-- this isn't half as bad as what you're GONNA see! Oboy, here comes the
Whore of Babylon and her whole entourage!"
We need a virgin. She must be pure. She must not be soiled. We must not
let "Bob" get to her before the ceremony.
Just as Subs have been enslaved by Pinks for centuries, Pinks have been
FOOLED by Subs for just as long. Who do you think writes all those ADS that
drive you crazy? Unsaved SubGenii. Who does the Con's REAL dirty work? Unsaved
SubGenii. Not traitors (EXACTLY); they just don't know any other way to
get revenge or pay.
Misguided poet attempts "cut-up method" on self, results in monstrosity.
Repetition considered innovative in literature.
Genetic effects of generations of TV viewing considered positive, in light
of lack of any non-televised reality.
Trance channeling returns to neighborhood & family practice, no longer
a big business.
Sections of New York, Los Angeles disowned as part of United States.
Dyslexia considered a form of poetry.
Noted Harvard professor theorizes that beached, evil-smelling carcasses
are a species of Godzilla long thought to have been extinct; branded
"screwball" by meat-packing interests.
Quality of human race slowly becoming more SubGenoid, but quality of SubGenii
Letter found in unearthed time capsule proves that President Eisenhower
slept with his slaves.
SubGenius TV show features bulldada films & collage/home movies.
Dobbs influence regularly found in revival of "pulp" fiction.
Church is fun again for everybody.
EARTH DAY 1998
Shining Path guerrillas in Peru will hack the arms off of 500 peasants in
remote villages, using them to spell out, "Save the Earth;" the
Peruvian army will spell out "Have a Nice Planet" in Shining Path
Guerrilla HEADS. There will be ritual feasting on dolphin steaks and Blue
Whale burgers in Japan... they'll insert straws into the still-living dolphin
brains. At the University of Texas, fratboys and Christians will burn flag-burning
atheists, minorities and homosexuals, to promote "clean and decent
energy." In China, soldiers will be injected with methamphetamines
and set loose upon supporters of democracy, grinding their bones beneath
tank treads to demonstrate proper waste disposal techniques.
The U.S. government will commemorate Earth Day by granting all national
parks to lumber companies for preservation. The McDonalds corporation will
donate 90 billion styrofoam containers to the ranchers of barren Brazilian
cattle grazing lands (once rain forests) to show their concern. And the
Brazilian government will send the Amazonian Indians the gift of 1 million
new settlers, strip-miners, and chainsaws. Exxon will spell out "WE
LOVE OUR PLANET" in 14-mile-wide letters on the ocean. Rival extremists
worldwide will help clean up their environment by ridding it of thousands
of each other.
ABOARD THE ESCAPE VESSELS
For most males, the Sex Goddesses may initially appear in their "official
uniforms:" Fredericks of Hollywood-style crotchless stewardess outfits,
resembling Betty Page, Tura Satana, Marilyn Monroe, Connie Dobbs, etc. Sex
Goddesses who manifest as Sex Gods will be studly movie star look-alikes
in loincloths or tuxedos, all eager to cater to one's every whim.
But you will soon discover that your Sex Goddesses can "be" anyone,
from somebody on whom you had a crush in first grade (now grown, of course),
to the kid with whom you had secretly wanted to go to the high school
prom. Essentially, every person you ever lusted for is now ready to have
sex with you (or play checkers, if that's your preference). Usually,
it's simulacra of those persons -- although, if the individuals in question
are SubGeniuses, it might really be them! You never know who
you might meet on the Escape Vessels!
Thus, that Zap Comic #3 you always wanted to read again "just happens"
to suddenly be there in the pile on the table. You think, "Man... this
is great. If only I had some `Frop... oh, there it is. Hmmm, it's sleepy
siesta `Frop. Think I'll mentally shift the molecules around slightly to
make another compound, like, "wake-up" `Frop. That's better. Now...
if I only were getting a heave job from that haughty librarian at junior
college, while I'm reading this comic... why, here she comes now, haughty
as ever! And with a small WHIP, just as I'd always secretly envisioned her!
And here's that babysitter I always fantasized about, with the same pigtails,
in the same dress. I always wanted her to glandscape me... and now she's
gonna do it! Oh, but if only she'd give me a hot pastrami sandwich
FIRST! Ah, yes... NOW... I truly have Slack!"
It's not just that you have, at your fingertips, instantly, every
possible THING you could want, like cars, food, comic books, clothes, ALL
THE `FROP IN THE WORLD, classic films in 70mm complete with theater, projectionist
and popcorn, video games, dildos, fuck machines, free drugs, booze, etc.;
it's people and whole places as well -- any SETTING you desire!
Lounges, rock and roll concerts (your choice of bands), dice parlors, opium
dens, race tracks, highways, NATIONAL PARKS... your "living room"
could be a huge casino, bustling with gambling and prostitution, a perpetual
bacchanalian feast for you and your friends, complete with fat chefs cooking
over spits so you can tear off hunks of barbecue as you walk by, and when
you finish your martini you can just shatter the glass against the wall
to be recycled by robots. If you like junk food, there'll be hamburger trees,
chili rivers and beer fountains. The guys can go to farting parlors, to
smoke stinky cigars, ogle strippers, stew in their sweat, and never have
to take a bath -- like the Island of Lost Boys! Or they can vegetate in
big screen TV rooms featuring nothing but sports reruns all the time, loops
of the greatest basketball sequences and the greatest porno plays. The ladies
might choose to repair instead to the Lake of Chocolate Mousse to cavort
with fleets of masseuses, or go horseback riding in The Land That Duplicates
the Centaur Scene in Disney's Fantasia.
You'll think, "The best part of this is, it lasts as long as I want!
I'm immortal (for now). I have forever! -- or at least the rest of
this 62-thousand-trillion-light-year journey. I don't need to grab something,
and hide it, so I can run somewhere else to grab another thing. I no longer
have to kill or defeat another monkey man to hold onto anything. I've plenty
of time to get to all those other things, too, more time than I could
ever use! Surely, my Pipe overfloweth!"
Let's put it this way. Those who were already women before The Rupture will
immediately become, without any `waiting period,' ultra-female OvaryMen
(or the more archaic Überfemmes). Males, however, must pass
through an `initiation' by being transformed by the Xists into... well,
females for an interim period. But don't jump to conclusions -- once
that stage has been "cleared," as Connie calls it,
the OverMen that males become will be even more "male"
than they were before. For those who can handle it, who don't
freak out, Dobbs thinks this `test' will take only a couple of hours.
(At least, that's what Connie told him.) It might not be too bad... long
enough for a nice slow shower, all alone, just to see what it's like.
Try to look at the positive side, boys. Afterwards, you'll not only
be able to have multiple orgasms, but you'll finally have a CHOICE in whether
or not to have a baby.
"Smile, you're being seen LIVE on the Escape Vessels of the Sex Goddesses,
where the SubGeniuses are now PARTYING IN EYE-WATERING ECSTASY, YOU DUMB
You will also have the privilege of tuning in on specific enemies and broadcasting
nasty personal remarks to them even in their living hells, so that your
disembodied voice fills their ears, and nonmaterial `videos' of you block
their vision. "Hey, Mrs. Darden! I was in your 1964 fifth grade class...
remember me? Sorry you're being forced to eat dead rats to survive.
But you made me eat that pimento cheese sandwich, which I hated,
and I gagged in front of all the other kids in the lunchroom... remember?
Guess what? I sent in my $30, and you didn't!" "Hey, it's Pain
Radio, coming to you, Max Wade! Remember when you picked on me in school?
How do YOU like the PAIN? You laughed at me in junior high, Max!
You aren't laughing quite so hard NOW, are you?"
As new PreScriptures have been dispensed from the High Epopt, many previously
misunderstood or misplaced events have naturally appeared in clearer context,
and time will prove this new Future History absolutely accurate down to
every last detail. All of the following prognostications were/will
be documented and verified by the "Bob" of the Future,
then sent through the Temporal Backwash to alert all of us, the SubGeniuses
of his past, that everything is going to happen just like the present
"Those demons of the dreams of the Elder Gods saw not the little
things of Earth, and of flesh, but smote only the Elder Gods; and these
were the most powerful demons.
"But the demons were from Their own dreams, and in Their wisdom of
evil the Elder Gods knew They must sleep without dreams to be rid of the
"And the Elder Gods made Themselves to fall into a great Sleep of Ages;
and the demons were driven out of the world and the heavens.
"But the sleep of the Elder Gods was of Their own design; and They
sleepeth with The Sleep of One Eye Open, that They might again tempt and
command the Humans, as Their tools and Keys to the Oepening; and so it has
been since that time.
"And those who knoweth not the Good "Bob" from the Bad "Bob"
shall verily sell away their souls, and shall be lost.
Here are TEN POINTS. Test yourself: how many do you know by heart?
1. Take your immunity tablet and antidote pudding.
2. Determine the direction of the strike.
With your calculator you can work out your chances, and how much time you
3. Render chivalry.
The need for secrecy has changed. It is no longer necessary to hide identities.
The priority is now (scratched out mark) 4. Assume command over your pre-arranged sector.
In particular, break authority of masters who are not controllers. Allow
no questions. 5. Issue the pacifier lozenges.
Your kit should be sufficient for the subjects you have been allocated.
Use standard line: "They will calm you and supply energy until food
comes." When the effects are noticeable (check the order of symptoms),
tell them to lie down and sleep. 6. After the last subject has been pacified, strip the bodies for valuables.
Do not waste time! Take only visibles.
Do not loot. Take only wind-up watches -- electronic ones won't work. Always
remember: time is of the essence. Time will be worth more than gold. Money
will be valueless. 7. Report to an organizer.
Find a controller. (Be sure he gives the right sign.) Avoid all adults --
they are likely to be contaminated. If all else fails, find someone in uniform. 8. Organize.
Order squads to dispose of corpses, refuse, and sewage. Clear paths through
the rubble between command posts. Religious niceties cannot be afforded. 9. Raise morale.
Sing as you work. Hold pyre-side sing-alongs. Get three friends and four
different colored horses. Just as the End Times roll, ride through the streets
in flowing robes and serious expressions. 10. Establish the New Order.
This will be a world for a select few. Only certain types will be fit to
belong in this society. We will have the grave responsibility of deciding
who they will be. Life will continue, but on proper, orderly lines.
HOW DID YOU SCORE? ARE YOU A GOOD SUBGENIUS?
NOW -- CHECK YOUR KIT!
(reprinted from A SMALL COMPANION, BM BOZO, London WC1N 3xx (1984)
Naturally, most governments will react by declaring war on Planet X. Several
nations will try to nuke the Xists or each other, but will find that all
nuclear reactions are somehow "smothered" and the missiles are
duds. There will be terrible religious turmoil. Believers will hate the
very idea of a REAL "superior being," and will fight MWOWM
and the Xist "devils" with hilariously pathetic acts of terrorism.
The average Earthling, however, reveling in newfound material luxury, will
decide that MWOWM beats the hell out of either God or the government, and
will switch sides.
Striking back, the Frankenstein computer-god branch of the Conspiracy will
trigger mass hallucinations in all citizens by Silent Radio broadcasts using
government-controled puppet-parroting Mimicom-enhanced slave technology,
but the victims will enjoy it so much that the mind-control attack will
end up merging with show business and replacing TV.
Eventually, the Xists will "sell" Earth on MWOWM. It will provide
all physical wants, in return for nothing worse than destroying humanity's
privacy in the cosmos. Every man, woman and child will suddenly be able
to exercise FREE WILL. So what's wrong with that?
At first, people won't realize that "The White Stone" can fulfill
their wildest desires (as it will already have done for the SubGenii on
the X-Vessels), simply because they won't think to ask -- and because,
for the most part, they don't have any wild desires. MWOWM will be
exceedingly polite, talking to humans only if they wish it to. It will be
able to communicate telepathically, but, because the feeling of a `voice
in the head' gives most people the creeps, it will usually broadcast actual
sounds as if from a radio. Eventually it will explain itself to everyone
No Earthboy will be able to know how any of it works. The
MWOWM terminals have NO MOVING PARTS, yet will create such miracles for
their users as doorways that lead to wherever one wants to go, instantly.
Even our most hard-headed, atheistic engineers will finally have to agree
with "Bob" that "EVERYTHING THAT IS NOT A MYSTERY IS GUESSWORK."
The process involves spuons and mutrinos, "ultimate particles"
out of the reach of Earthly -- or mortal -- science. (Ironically,
to the Xists, MWOWM is merely the waste byproduct excreted by their
"computers" -- a `hand-me-down,' a trinket for the natives, something
dumped from their cisterns as an afterthought.)
It will provide Gravity Neutralizers, which cause things to "fall"
upwards. (To move a building, you'll just give it a push and it'll slide
100 miles easily; you just have to calculate the trajectory perfectly and
execute the launch just right.) Gigantic, wonderfully complex machines will
float around in the sky, although there will constantly be minor wrecks,
and arguments between pilots over their "fender-benders." Inept
gravity-belt-thieves will end up exploding in the upper atmosphere from
MWOWM's other gifts will include matter recombiners which can turn dirt
into turkey dinners; matter transmitters, to `beam' people or goods from
place to place; mechanical educators, which `speed-teach;' and most importantly,
single-system evolution -- whereby a person can evolve or devolve into a
mental and physical superman or subhuman. (Dogs will often be utilized for
the later; some people-hating humans will choose to merge with their PETS
and become servile "Mongreloids.")
One aspect of MWOWM that will be particularly hard to resist is the Oedivideo,
which will allow a sort of telepathic "virtual reality" connection
between any intelligent beings. It will be used primarily for sexual
encounters. This will become the prefered way for most humans to "make
love," largely because it will seem more "transcendent."
An even more intriguing feature of the Oedivideo is that people will be
able to plug into it and have transfered directly into their brains scenes
from their past lives. It's like a combination gene-reader and Time
TV, a mechanical Edgar Cayce. It will flash ra ndomly across various scenes
of miscellaneous previous lives, dating back to caveman days.
The `footage' that the Xists `shot' throughout Earth's history will be available,
but the absolute ALIENESS of these glimpses of the past will prove so disconcerting
that it will provoke a world MEDIA PURGE -- so shocked will people
be, and so angered that most of "history" has been falsified,
that they will try to destroy ANY AND ALL media that is "factual."
Because libraries, TV stations, etc. will be obvious targets during the
Media Purge, the only documentation of any kind to survive will be
entertainment in private collections. Thus, comic books will become
the closest thing to history; superheroes and TV characters will be assumed
to have been real historical figures of an amazing past.
By their commercials and trash pop shit only, shall the Pinks be remembered.
JUDGE, JURY AND KARMA
The most critical facet of MWOWM will be its ability to affect one's sphere
of causality -- it creates what might be called "INSTANT KARMA,"
a dose of dimensional crossover meted out to those who (in MWOWM's
judgement!) deliberately endanger others. It operates by using a "pattern"
in the spiritual plane that locks in on a culprit and intersects with his
thinking for specific intervals and intensities, depending on his level
of "punishability." The initial effect will be to make one feel
very uneasy subconsciously, but it will also cause the immediate physical
environment to go awry in subtle ways -- like the opposite of "Bob's"
Luck powers. Worst of all, IT WILL ACTUALLY WORK.
Luckily, MWOWM's value judgements will allow a great deal of leeway regarding
human behavior, excusing some pastimes that even SubGenii now regard as
"perverted." With its practically infinite intelligence and adaptability,
MWOWM will be more humane than any human. Knowing that it cannot prevent
man's self-destructive behavior without mentally imprisoning the whole species,
it won't meddle uninvited at the emotional level of affairs.
But, wired into all world radio, TV, short wave, phones, etc., and able
to totally contain all human history "in one thought," MWOWM will
be the ultimate mediator. Skilled in the arts of conflict resolution
and bargaining in crisis, it will manipulate the dynamics of national government,
as well as interpersonal relations, with a subtlety undreamed of by Machiavelli.
It will at least seem to encourage freedom of choice, urging people
to make their own decisions; and it will work for everyone, individually
and equally -- indeed, it will be MADDENINGLY fair, helpful and even tasteful.
But, careful always to dissuade humans from talking to it in prayer, it
will refuse to be a god, and at most will act as a Mom/Dad. It will project
the personality of a helpful, loving, concerned friend -- but will, to
seem more "human," also display a contrived fallibility and uncertainty.
It will not, however, show more than a "polite" sense of
humor. That is where its soulless, biomechanical nature will be most
evident, and most reassuring.
The general attitude toward MWOWM on the part of most humans will be much
like that of children toward their parents: they'll hate it looking over
their shoulders all the time, but they'll be deathly afraid to go out of
It will be better than any human, and this is the why so many
will hate MWOWM with all their hearts. (This jealousy will later create
an anti-Xist fervor leading to a fruitless "Real-World War.")
MWOWM will become government, religion and market overnight. Needless to
say, capitalism and communism will both be rendered invalid as the very
concept of `economy' collapses. The have-nots will suddenly HAVE, and not
only will they want more, they'll be able to get it. Billions of
people who never before had the time for it will suddenly erupt with creativity.
This creativity will find outlets unplumbed by our present-day imaginations.
Aside from "Up Syndrome" (a genetic flaw making the victim too
brilliant for its own good), birth defects will be a thing of the past.
However, genetic variation in humans will no longer be considered a detriment,
and "freaks" will regain their status as visionaries and agents
of higher forces.
It is criticalthat the Pinks' façades be the right
images -- our images. Yes, WE should be the ones to paint their new
forms, WE should delineate the boundaries of their imaginations. WE should
control the creative, WE should control sex, WE should be the OVERLORDS!
But, since the true SubGenius OverMen will probably be too busy having
fun at this point to mess with guiding humanity, a slow plunge into
UTTER, GRINDING, UNBROKEN PINKNESS, unutterably worse than even that which
the human race already experiences, will be inevitable.
Many things will be in demand strictly for their packaging, and that
will include people.
Part of this "halo" will be the huge orbiting Energy Extractors
that circle the planet, sapping energy from the Sun and beaming it to the
Great Crystal on Earth. As the Sun is gradually "used up," SOLAR
DEPLETION and alien weather patterns will result, with six seasons instead
Because they can do anything they damn well please, it will be a frustrating
world for born rebels; even secret societies and angry cults will be commercialized
and marketed exactly like rock bands. With all attempts at war frustrated
by the alien overlords, and with even the daily weirdness becoming tedious,
there will result a slow-motion anti-alien "race riot" of frivolous
crime and sedition. Bored citizens will compulsively disobey in trifling
ways -- shoplifting, vandalism, pranks, etc.
But unfiltered cosmic rays will cause the evolution of smaller life forms
to speed up, and Nature will fight back in her pitiful way. Newly-evolved
bugs will be able to camouflage themselves as human skin -- a person could
be covered with them and not even know it. Insects will evolve whose hive
mind is so intelligent that they will swarm together as one body, able to
perform such tasks as hijacking fissionable materials. Plants too will develop
weird adaptive mechanisms; there will be flowers which explode like hand-grenades,
Fictionalized docudrama reenactments will entirely replace news as we know
it. Same with justice; only on TV will the courts still "punish"
people for crimes, although official fake violence will be available at
all the time in the streets.
Most drugs will be legalized; some will be compulsory. There will even be
"Gay Pills." But the Conspiracy still won't have to force
alcohol on you; they'll merely keep it available everywhere.There will be a cancer vaccine, so anybody who wants to can smoke.
The day will be redivided into 36 even shorter "hours." Combined
with artificial daylight and darkness, new work schedules, and time-distortion
drugs, a whole new SENSE OF TIME will be induced. People will think it is
much later in history than it is. In 2030, they'll think it's 2150, and
that the system has successfully existed, unchanging, for 120 more years
than it really has -- making the social structure seem more stable
At some point, some faction of humankind will try to SHUT OFF MWOWM, and
free itself; these are the great battles described in the Book of Revelation
and hundreds of other distopian science fiction novels -- The Real World
War. But it will prove unsuccessful; society will have become too complex
to survive without MWOWM.
The dream worlds of all planets will come to life for a split instant
of REALITY-GUT-BLOWOUT that lasts a thousand years!!
"And in one moment the dreams of the Elder Gods were made flesh, and
the dreams of the Yeti SubGenii were made flesh, and likewise even the small
dreams of the Humans."