CHICAGO ® MADISON ® MINNEAPOLIS ® ST. LOUIS ® CLEVELAND ® PITTSBURGH ® BALTIMORE ® NEW YORK ® BOSTON ®
Memoirs by Rev. Ivan Stang Master of Cheese
Master of Cheese
"Let's split from Squaresville and blast off into kicksville! C'mon, don't you wanna be COOL? Everybody's DOIN' it! Whattsa matter, afraid your MOM will find out? Are you CHICKEN?"
-- David Apocolypse
With the strength infused in us by "Bob," we did it. We proved that five SubGeniuses could minister to the masses 9 cities in a row, in the bitterest dead of winter, and MAKE MONEY, using a minivan, a portable pulpit, a giant picture of "Bob," a video projector, grim determination and a Joe Tape. And by USING all the LITTLE PEOPLE who got in our way. Yes, we finally WISED UP. We caught on. If you act like big obnoxious stars, you get treated like big obnoxious stars.
"Remember this, Ivan -- the number one rule in show biz -- the pants should be so tight they can do the show without you! You're beautiful, baby! Don't ever change!"
Rare shot of Janor's 1975 album cover,
when he was a blues singer
We got the groupies, the sub-groupies, the anti-groupies, the reporters, the book signings, the TV appearances, the crazed late-night parties throwing TV sets into hotel swimming pools, the catered meals backstage, ALL OF IT! And we SURVIVED that, as well as the sickness, the stolen props, the dead batteries, the bad directions, the sleazy promoters and the COLD. Because we had our OWN sleazy promoter -- THE LORD JESUS CHRIST, the SON OF GOD Himself! Reborn on Earth in the early Seventies, and now working for The SubGenius Foundation as business manager and sleazy promoter.
YES -- the MESSIAH came back, took one look at the Pinkness of this world, and SIGNED ON with J.R. "BOB" DOBBS.
With Jesus driving the bus, and hassling with the club owners and the cops, how could we go wrong? We wowed 'em. We broke a leg. In fact we sawed off an old lady's legs, right up there on stage in Baltimore. We ate glass, breathed fire, smashed grandfather clocks, launched heads, sledge-hammered screwdrivers into our skulls and healed the lame and the impotent. We garnered bad reviews by p.c. twenty-somethings in city newspapers. We drew all our stalkers out of the woodwork. In Pittsburgh we accidentally instigated a Fire Alarm Street Riot, with David Apocalypse running around in a strait jacket, the crowd screaming in time to the fire alarm, and bald headed "crazy fat lady" Sister Mandy of Bull Seal Collective shreiking "We're all gonna DIEEE!!!" in a crowded theater, and after they threw us out, Legume continued the preaching through a bullhorn in the snow outside, in a scene exactly reminiscent of the fourth PLANET OF THE APES movie. There were COPS EVERYWHERE the WHOLE TIME, TOTALLY weirded out. The place we played in Madison burned to the ground a week after The Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer was stolen from us there! We got interrogated by cops in a K-Mart parking lot in New Jersey, cops who were such cowards they declined Andrew the Impaled's offer to demonstrate how he hammers a nail into his head through his nose, a part of his act which I had the honor of FILMING and SIMULCASTING onto GIANT PROJECTION SCREENS so that all the audience was FORCED to SEE! Our sleazy manager Jesus got to hear the line, "Maybe you'd have your act together a little better if you didn't work for that stupid fuck "Bob" Dobbs!!!" yelled at him in all seriousness. Legume put a long string of his own snot in a drunk heckler's beer in Cleveland while the fool was busy hollering inanities, we watched the guy DRINK it, AND WE GOT IT ALL ON VIDEOTAPE. We were worshipped and adored by hundreds, thousands... well hundreds... of BESPECTACLED GIMPS and BOBBIES!! We got to drive for HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of MILES while listening to "JOE"! "JOE" is the single most important discovery since "BINNIE"! "JOE" (Temple of Dionysus Sabazios) makes JANOR look "MATURE"!!! You'll be singing the "MOONPANTS" song in broad daylight to your grandma within an HOUR of hearing this tape. AND WE GOT THE MOTHERFUCKER LIVE UP ONSTAGE AT THE CLEVELAND SHOW! It freaked 'em! JOE FUCKIN' RULES!!! YES! we had the INSANE GALL to talk this Church of Satan reject into singing his crazed sexist ditties to a PAYING AUDIENCE! He did the "Ejaculate in Your Moonpants" song TWICE!!! A true PSYCHO-LURKER-STALKER TYPE showed up at the NYC devival and majorly creeped out everybody he spoke to, and then later we found out it was the CANADIAN IDIOT WHO SAYS HE'S "BOB"!! And you shoulda seen that punk kid Clavister's face when Rev. Nickie announced that Legume, not she, would administer The Spanking! He had to admit he was a Bobbie and PAY Legume to STOP WHIPPING HIM WITH A BELT. Before each show, to pump ourselves up with holiness, us preachers would stuff squirrels into hollowed-out pumpkins and carve five holes in the sides of the pumpkin without killing the squirrels, and then "Bob" would hold the pumpkin on his head while we fucked it. One night in the van between Minneapolis and St. Louis, we had a shared vision, and we "saw" where Janors come from, how there's a little tiny Siamese Twin Janor joined to Janor at the dick, only it's hiding inside the larger Janor's vagina, but it's attached to an even smaller Janor triplet, which likewise is tucked up inside Janor 2, and so on, unto the Last Janor, the tiniest particle in the universe, out of whose sealed foreskin shall ride on X-Day the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, signalling the Tribulation... and we learned of the Immaculate Abortion, the Divine Evacuation of "Bob". We visited the Mall of America in Minneapolis, the biggest mall in the universe, and Legume deflated the gigantic Snoopy balloon there! Bill T. Miller (Kings of Feedback) attacked and fucked his Living Keyboard LIVE, onstage in Boston! In Madison, Sister Heidi, Rev. Velveteen Sly and the Women of the Monkey Hole gave unto me one of the Scented Panties of Connie, and took us to a TRUE drugless "psychedellicatessen"! (Ella's Deli in Madison.) In one hotel, I videotaped David Apocalypse fucking Philo's little dog AND a TV set showing Barney the Dinosaur. We stayed at CLEVE'S house, where things like authentic Mexican wrestler masks and Esquivel's reel to reel tape masters from the 60s are LYING AROUND. At Ground Zero, the club in Minneapolis, they had an S&M coffins-and-Harleys decor, and a MAJESTIC ACTUAL CHURCH PULPIT, BY FAR the coolest pulpit I have ever had the joy of preaching from. On the Minneapolis TV news, we got more time than Morris Day! (But less than carbon monoxide. We'll CHANGE THAT!) (SEE ABOUT DOWNLOADING A VIDEO OF THAT GOOFY PINK TV REPORT ON SLACK CRUSADES!) It wasn't ALL fun and games. Sometimes it was rugged. Legume and David Apocalypse and I had to take turns fucking Jesus Devilacqua some nights. There were NO groupies later in the tour except MARRIED ones, and sometimes the squirrels would suffocate in the pumpkins before we could fuck 'em, and the FFBats all died from the cold. Life on the road is ROUGH! But we made money and weren't sick for most of the time. The process of driving from town to town, sleeping on SubGenius floor after SubGenius floor, and doing the EXACT SAME SHOW night after night, 5 guys cooped up in a minivan with all the gear, listening to Johnny Cash and CW McCall tapes and "JOE," putting on our BEST performances for truck stop attendants, was almost as much fun as counting up the money.
We may not have made our goal of ten million new souls by July 96, YET, but, as St. Janor Hypercleats preached in Chicago:
(Actual sideshow freaks will have to wait until the next tour, the "You Had Your Chance and Blew It" $50-a-seat stadium tour.)
I can hardly imagine a devival anymore without CIRCUS APOCOLYPSE. For they provide the second most vital ingredient of any devival: SOMETHING THAT'S NOT GUYS YELLING ABOUT "BOB". Instead, it's guys pushing their bodies and minds, and the stomachs of the audience members, to the very brink of endurance. They juggle fire and breathe knives, drive nails and freight trains into their heads, eat light bulbs and escape from flaming straitjackets, terrify drunk hecklers, and CAUSE AT LEAST THREE WIMPS PER SHOW TO FAINT as David Apocolypse SEWS SHUT THE LIVING, CONSCIOUS LIPS of his partner, Andrew the Impaled.
It's a pleasurable respite from the preaching.
There WAS a different opening "act" at each devival. Some of these were great old silverbacks, hoary Church Hierarchite Doktors like Brother Cleve Dunkan in Boston, DK Jones and Huge Voodoo in NYC, the Motor Morons in Baltimore, Indian Rope Burn and Einstein's Secret Orchestra in Cleveland, and of course The Swinging Love Corpses (performing as The Uigghurs) in St. Louis.
In other cities, the CLUBS picked the opening acts. Arguing over whether each of these acts was SERIOUS, or TRYING to be FUNNY, became one of our favorite after-show pastimes. But then apparently some reviewers wondered the same things about us.
Something horrible or wonderful happened at each devival, and those events will be documented individually, complete with photos and, where applicable, comments from the peanut gallery of alt.slack. When we get to them.
NEW STANG RANT TEXT
Devival: Good Spot for Single Subgenii?
THE MASTERS OF CHEESE