[A Whole Buncha Shit You Cain't See]
X-Day Drill '96 Reports

A Short Visual Taste of What You Missed:

(But Could Enjoy Next Year!)

Don't You Wish You'd Been There?


by the Irreverend Friday Jones

The road which lead there was the same as the road leading back, a road lined with flaming arrows which burned in the night, pointing the way to Brushwood and the X-Day Drill. On and on the roads rolled, and when we pulled off for food it was at Exit 51, where Bill T. Miller and I saw a vision of the hell the Bobbies voluntarily endure in the pits of a Taco Bell, where they slaved over hot equipment for minimal pay while a video system transmitted every one of their agonized twitches and jumps to the customers - for their amusement or their edification I am not sure. Little did they know as they prepared our meals that the mouths that would eat it existed to spew out and deny the lies of the Con, and the bodies that would be nourished by this food would party and rant and snuggle and Slack Off at the X-Day Drill!

The days were full of sunlight and laughter and hot tubs and 'Fropsmoke and dew, and the nights rang with the twanging sounds of the bonds of the Conspiracy being literally snapped by the living Slack around us, and darkness, and laughter, and drums, and flaming crosses, and ranting, and music, and 'Fropsmoke, and more dew. Plenty of dew all around, lapping at our feet, washing around our knees as we dashed through the grass and the forest and the campsites.

Many things happened that you will not believe, not even when I write of them, not even when you see the pictures and play the .wavs and buy the videotapes: the prairie squid, the mass "Bob"tism, the literal Whirlpool of Slack, the needles, the guns, the whips, the "Bob", the tents, the hot tub, the blue canisters, the deer, the "Bob". And the 'Frop, and the drummers, and the bonfires, and the abductions, and the "Bob." Did we kill "Bob"? Not only did we kill him, we nailed him to a cross and burned the pipe-smoking fuck! Did we unite in our love of "Bob" if not our love for each other? We did it stark naked in broad daylight with all the world and several video cameras to see! Gleaming through the night was the fierce jaguar face of Dr. K'Taden Legume, a Warrior of Slack adorned in clerical collar, military duds, and full camo face paint, or laughing with a needle driven through his lip and a cigarette hovering from it. And the shapely navel of someone else, winking beneath her "Bob" baby-doll T-shirt, was a beacon to all. Stang's hair got so full of bugs and twigs and stray insects that an entire new ecosystem developed in that thicket perched above his lined brow and impressive forehead lump, evolved intelligence or at least a monetary system, and started printing $50 bills. The lush midnight tresses of Doktor Ginsu and Pee Kitty were the envy of the River Styx. Yetis danced to the music of the drums and the keyboards wearing frilly dresses and blue jeans and lewd obscure T-shirts and cantilevered bustiers and tattoos and hardly anything at all, and Greys did indeed skulk in the bushes along with OverMen and Normals and John F. Kennedy and He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. The world itself was shattered and rained a river of blood on all Pinks and a pile of SubGenius fanzines, washing them aside and replacing them with the New SubGenius World Order. An ice cream truck toured the grounds with the prominently displayed sign "Will Trade For Frop"!

Even as I write this the Luck Plane has tilted so hard in my direction that it's all I can do to stay on my feet. Not as strong as it's tilted to Stang, though; at one point gold coins materialized out of thin air and fell at his feet! Cashiers spontaneously give me too much change. Would-be rapists stand aside or fall to their knees and beg me to kill them. My mates have bountiful erections and pockets full of dough. Up in the mansion atop the hill in the cool woods right next to the showers so they could sneak over with their video cameras, the Dallas SlackMasters "roughed it" with only the barest of luxuries: only a few prairie squid skittered among the rafters, only one "Bob" hung by his neck from the balcony, only two GWAR-Groupies lolled amidst the furniture and snatching at the limbs of all that passed by in search of a tool to ease their eternal randiness, only a small waterpipe filled with the finest 'Frop, only a medium-sized basin of enemies' blood to cool their footsie-tootsies in, only one fridge packed with the daintiest delicacies, only a few dozen Bobbies groveling underfoot, waiting on their masters hand and foot and groin and tongue and squealing like stuck pigs when Dr. Legume experimented with his home electroshock therapy machine on their shriveled souls which had been pared to a minimum to try and enlarge Stang's, to no success, his half a soul was far too withered for the grafts to take and he had to limp along on only a portion of what "Bob" had given him, yet faithful that all would be redeemed once the Saucers came in two years and ten minutes.

The pagans who played the drums and ran the tractors and handed out the condoms at the X-Day Drill could not have been more out-weirded that by the stripe-socked four-eyed muscled plump skinny tall short hairy balding Yetisyny who came like a plague of locusts not to destroy and devour but rather to purify the land, reeking with insipid watery love, with full-strength bracing harsh roaring Hate, with screams of rage, with denial and blood and fire, with the Swinging Love Corpses and their fabulous new drummer, with Jehova Hates Phred and the King Of Slack and the guys who brought the sound equipment and the eternal Self-Amusing Personality of Pastor Craig.

In the darkness of the shadows went the SubGenii of alt.slack, having traveled hundreds or even thousands of miles to talk face-to-face with people they communicate with every week, they could not bear to tear themselves away from the forest and the table and the barbecue and thus many were not privy to the fucking of the Prairie Squid, the divine candy of TarlaStar, the rippling erotic earthquake that was Suzie the Floozie in high heels, the after-midnight jams, the all-powerful hot tub whose divine warmth could heat a Yeti soul so that it could walk barefoot and barely clad in weather that had others reaching for parkas and scarves and thermal underwear, the bats that danced around the bugs that danced around the lights that reflected off the eyes that were locked on the THINGS that happened on the stage, and off the stage, and around the fires, and in the tents, and under the pool.

On and on the roads rolled, and I shall roll upon them again, roll forward onto the next X-Day Drill and the dancing and the fucking and the fighting and the howling and the singing and the smiles and the cameras and the silence, and I shall roll back with my mind a brimming cup of happiness and memories and Slack. But I shall roll that road yet a third time, but that shall be in the days before X-Day when the stars themselves will dance in formation, there shall be no dawn in the morning for the saucers shall blacken the sky, I shall not need to return my rental car for this miserable planet shall have no record of my path upon it, and you and I shall be lifted up and transformed into that which we most desire, and we shall leave behind all that we have known - save "Bob" - and go forward knowing only one thing ahead of us - "Bob."

Now investigate Rev. Ivan Stang's reports, PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED with more X-rated photos and TrueSpeech audio files lifted from the Sacred Tapes.
(These reports started out as the logs of the incredible videotape footage of the event... videotapes which YOU will feel COMPELLED to BUY once you see the glimpses and hear the snatches of these DIVINE HAPPENSTANCES!!)

(And how to get the tapes)
X-Day Drill REPORT Pt. 3
X-Day Drill REPORT Pt. 4
X-Day Drill REPORT Pt. 5

Oh yes -- and just on the off-chance that you missed it, here's
The Original X-Day Drill Announcement and Advertisement
from this very website! GROSSLY illustrated and with many fine extras! (NOTE: And it all holds doubly true for 1997! START PLANNING YOUR DRILL TRIP NOW!!)

WHOA! We just got a huge new stash of X-Day Drill photos from Rev. Steve Checkey, all digitized from HIS videotapes! Alternate angles on some SICK SHIT INDEED!

MORE X-Day Drill Pix than the one's I, Stang am displaying are UP at
They're actual photo scans, not video frame-grabs like mine, and are more illustrative of the illustrious alt.slack hierarchy and others who did not wander in front of the StangCam.

Misc. Reports and Opinions from alt.slack:
Rev. Pee Kitty's X-Day Drill Report
Tarla Star's X-Day Drill Report
X-Day Drill Squid Fuck
XXX-Day drill: sweet and saucy


A couple of questions...
A Prediction for X-Day
Independunce Day
Re: All I want for X-Day
Re: As I was watching Ren and Stimpy...
Re: X-Day Drill Report
Re: X-Day Drill REPORT Pt. 5
Re: XXX-day drill: sweet and saucy
Soozie, Squids & Slack, Oh My!
Subject: X-Day Devival
Top XX things I liked about the X-Day Drill (fwd)

Important Documents Relating to the X-Day Drills:
I'm "Bob's" Own
X-DAY DRILL Rules and Requests
Lafe's Rules of Engagement for X-Day Drill 1996
Report on the Rainbow Gathering From Jesus
HOUR OF SLACK #536, X-Day Drill #1
HOUR OF SLACK #537 and #538, X-Day Drill #2 and 3

Cop the MPEG video (and the WAV soundtrack), and it'll be almost as if you were there! Well, actually, it won't be anything like that. But at least you'll have some really SICK, EXPLOITATIVE FOOTAGE to confound your pals with.
(If you're clueless as to what to do with these files, see the Instructions in THE EYE OF DOBBS, where our other videos are stashed.)

burndobbs.mpeg (512k)
burndobbs.wav (132k)

LegumePin.mpeg (660k)
LegumePin.wav (215k)

Squid1.mpeg (842k)
Squid1.wav (264k)

Squid2.mpeg (1.4 mb)
Squid2.wav (198k)
(This Squid2 file is the one you chronic masturbators will want, despite the long download time.)
HEY KIDS!!! Too impatient to wait through a download? Wanna check out a tiny, grainy GIF-MOVIE of a fragment of this? HAVE AT IT!!

And a particularly irritating, frustrating rendition of the ALL-NUDE BAPTISM is baptism.mpeg (1 mb)

Things which have NOTHING to do with the X-Day Drills:

alt.slack.goathead Semi-FAQ!

(The cool background tiles in this section are all from a brand new stash of 53 tiles(!!) created by the amazing crew at FUNWAY PLASTICO)

ON to X-Day Drill Report #1

Back to X-DAY 5!

Back to the DEVIVALS PAGE!