From the Office Pew of Rev. Ivan Stang
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, PO Box 181417, Cleveland Hts, OH 44118-1417
firstname.lastname@example.org FAX: 216-320-9528
That's where to send tapes, art, CDs, dire news, etc.
Portrait, right, by ESPIRA.
SEE ALSO the much busier Yahoo SUBGENIUS‚Ñ¢ GROUP E-LIST
Read the latest SubGenius commentary on current events at alt.slack
NEW! ARISE! - The SubGenius Movie is NOW PLAYING (or at least is downloadable) in DivX -- DETAILS HERE. ((NOTE: ARISE in DivX is now on alt.binaries.movies.DivX, but most of our other material is on alt.binaries.monter-movies (including "AS THEY SEE "BOB" in DivX, as of yesterday).)
DEVIVAL in CLEVELAND, Saturday May 22 ‚Äì see details on the DEVIVALS page.
NEW! ARISE! -- The SubGenius Movie, is now available on DVD from our catalog. This re-issue has been a long time in the remaking. Working from the original 1" video master tapes, we carefully restored this legendary video collage masterpiece to a better condition than it enjoyed in 1991, when the master was last worked over. (ARISE was distributed by Polygram in the early 90s, and was even in stores briefly --until Blockbuster went all "Christian" and had 800 copies returned en masse, resulting in Polygram basically dropping it like a dirty-bomb. For many years, only VHS copies and bootlegs have been available.) We carefully reworked and improved the sound, tweaked shots here and there, threw in a couple of Bushes and an Osama, and as many bonuses as the DVD size allows -- including a gorgeous Dobbshead meditation loop, the SubGenius Church commercial from 1990, and the brand new X-Day at Brushwood short. The interface is slick as snot on a doorknob, with little time-windows into each of the 27 chapters and bonus bits. ONLY $19.95. Click here for the catalog page. BUY NOW!! I'm posting the soundtrack album to alt.binaries.slack in MP3s this week, if you want to just hear Hal Robin's dramatic narration and DK Jones' stunning music, and try to IMAGINE what we came up with for visuals.
NEW! A whole new SubGenius¬Æ hangout among Microsoft Groups: the PRAISE "BOB" Group! Check it out. You'll have to make yourself a fake name and personal password if you're not already a MSN Group member, but it's real easy and free free free.
ME NOT DEAD! -- although, aside from Hours of Slack, this website has been. It slumbered while I Slacked off in Texas during the holidays. I, Stang have had to go back home to the Stang Ranch in Texas several times during the previous year, because my Ma has been ailing. (She is, however, apparently immortal.) And we really did Slack off while in Texas. Nonetheless, while at Cleveland home office, Princess Wei and I have managed to move quite a large number of both physical and virtual objects from place to place, and, as it turns out, we have no less than FOURTEEN (14!!) different new SubGenius Media products... ALMOST FINISHED. By that, I mean I haven't done the boxes and ads yet. I didn't MEAN for them all to be made simultaneously and late. In fact, I tried oh so hard to get a FEW into the Scatalog by Xmas. But, SLACK WON OUT, and this new swag remains maddenly ALMOST done. Silly "REAL" things keep interfering with my EXPERIMENTS, you see... the fools won't leave me alone. The Burgomeister, the villagers and the silly Norm-Worms, all... well, we'll see... meanwhile, I wanted to quell the rumors that Fernandinande LeMur and I both died in a horrible train crash in Mexico or New Mexico, depending on which version you hear. In truth we're both alive and laughing, or at least grimacing in a rictus-like approximation of laughter.
New swag-2-b includes the ARISE DVD, 3 new-old CDs plus a 5-CD set from 6X-Day, several SETS of VOLUMES of Hours of Slack (and movies) in various formats, and a whole new collection of SubGenius animation shorts and "music videos" on DVD, tentatively called "PsycheDobbsics". Believe me, I will have this stuff in my end of the catalog as soon as I can (now that I got that last Hour of Slack done... OH JEEPERS, THE NEXT ONE'S ALREADY DUE!). And there's a grillion godzillion new things to add to SubSITE and the CafePress store and YOU NAME IT.
What I personally am working towards is a book-video-album HISTORY OF THE CHURCH. I now have hundreds of hours of old and new SubGenius video loaded into my various donated hard drives, and am in, or nearing, the process of remixing it bit by bit. I haven't even started into the PAPER media of the 80s and early 90s yet... one thing I want to try to get organized is a book-length REPRINT of the old STARK FIST magazines, several of which were over 100 pages long.
TIME CONTROL remains our main problem, regarding all these projects. Judging by the weather outside today, though, I won't be going anywhere soon. As long as the power holds out I should be able to get some of these massive endeavors out of my office and into circulation. Or at least a few naughty jpegs of the massive endeavors.
November 29: DETROIT DEVIVAL -- with THE AMINO ACIDS and others at THE MAGIC STICK was the best-attended devival in years. I hear my one-camera hand-held video footage of The Amino Acids is available on EBay!
The Beachland Ballroom devival in Cleveland went well, resulting in no violence, but a whole new DVD -- of ANIMATION! Now in progress: ARISE on DVD. Check both catalogs in a month. Also trying to get 5 new CD/CD-R things done before Xistlessnessmas.
IndyVival 2003 went smashedly, and there are hundreds of photos, videos and audio recordings from it on alt.binaries.slack! We further commemorate it by finally posting the sexy photos from IndyVival 2002.
I, Stang re-edited the 5X-Day video footage YET AGAIN (since the news below) into a 3-minute "X-DAY AD" that's as overblown as a Ronco commercial, as well as a 26-minute "5X-Day Featurette" that greatly improves on the feature-length version described below. The 5X-Day DVD is now a TWO DVD set for the same price. The new cut is much more suitable for showing non-SubGenii or those who weren't lucky enough to be there. Even if you can't download a 512 mb SVCD video, you should check out the vast store of great art and audio by everybody ELSE on the Usenet newsgroup, alt.binaries.slack. Here are MORE DETAILS.
LAST MONTH'S NEWS: The edited DVD video of 5 X-Day is finished. I, Stang got a wild hair and used the footage to practice my video editing skills on the increasingly new-fangled gizmos now at our disposal. It's 70 minutes long and very edited, with jazzy transitions and subtitles, sound effects and even 3 bonus musical slide shows of still photos from this bizarre event. Besides the DVD, there's also a VHS and an el-cheapo MPEG-VCD version on CD-R. AND, this week I even posted a quite good RealMedia version of the whole movie to alt.binaries.slack, FREE (for those with broadband and Internet video bootlegging skills, anyway). (We also lowered the prices on all our DVDs by $4!) (Scroll down below the porno banner ads for details on how to access the wonders of Usenet newsgroups for free or close to it.)
NEW! The recent DEVOtional 2003 was such a gas that we not only did up a text-n-pics report on it, but finally got around to posting the photos and art from last year's DEVOtional 2002 and the AKRON DEVIVAL that went with it.
The 8th X-Day Drill (6XDay) REPORTS are now online. (And the layout design has been improved by our BIG PRIZE WINNER, Rev. ERRor!) It was a screaming, sweating, cavorting success, as Drills go. Too bad it wasn't the ACTUAL End of All Human Reality, this time. Maybe next time. I, Stang have finished 3 Hours of Slack based on the "footage" we recorded, which are online now, thanks to D. Bachner. Rev. Patrick Volkerding and I have uploaded our UNCUT recordings to alt.binaries.slack as MP3s, and last week hundreds of photos were posted by many folks.
In the meantime, Rev. Jarto and also Hellpope Huey finished editing the new Online Fist, mostly; somebody -- maybe YOU -- has to clean up the indexes to the various sections. But, the hundreds of indexed articles are now much easier to skim.
SUIT YOURSELF UP in Rupture-Wear worthy of your last days on Earth Farm One... garments which also make swell souvineers and collector's items the SECOND the world fails to end! Whereas previous X-day Drills were each commemorated with one special fancy T-shirt design, this year -- because the Xists really WILL arrive, one of these X-Days -- Dobbs blesses us with DOZENS of combinations of garment style and designs. There's even a SKULL PROTECTOR... and SCALE MODEL PLEASURE SAUCERS! THESE WON'T ALL BE AT BRUSHWOOD... grab 'em now, before you head for Sherman, via our bottomless online store's "SEASONAL & LIMITED EDITION" page.
AND!! -- 6X-DAY PROPHECY ART! Latest surges of sickness and psyhedelo-joy from the denizens of alt.binaries.slack. Part of the special 6X-Day section. Speaking of which -- the headline band on Saturday night, Planet X bound, is Detroit's THE AMINO ACIDS. Anyone who saw these invaders at the Akron devival will agree that this is indeed THE new Dobbs-Approved Space-Surf-Metal band. EINSTEIN'S SECRET ORCHESTRA, and ANYONE ELSE who's not too drunk with Slack, will basically JAM ALL THE REST OF THE TIME. There is NO stage manager, so any SubGenius, crazed or timid, can have the stage... it's every being for itself this time. This also allows direct criticism by the audience, incidentally. With my old Spouting partners Dr. Philo Drummond and Dr. G. Gordon Gordon attending, as well as the New School SubMasters of Internet fame, it promises to be our 8th actual ultimate WEEK OF SLACK. Just right for kicking off an Eternity of Slack.
NEW! "BOB's" Sound Holes
PRAISE The Really Rather Rancid Rev. Error! For this mighty SubGenius has, by remote control, from merry Warwickshire, England, TOTALLY RENOVATED an abandoned section of SubSITE that had long lain fallow: the SMALL, DOWNLOADABLE SOUND CLIPS vaults, previously called "THE EARS OF "BOB"" when under Rev. WanDarer in years past. For SubGenii on slow modems, for whom THE HOUR OF SLACK is too huge a download, these small, simple audio WAV sound files are dinky enough to affix to emails. Subject matter ranges from classical olden-day SubGenius‚Ñ¢ radio preaching clips to prank calls and musical numbers. They play almost instantly, at the push of a button, on almost any computer. (Not to be confused with the giant MP3 copies of entire modern SubGenius radio shows!)
NEWish: THE ONLINE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL
#2003-1 and ART MINES TUNNEL 19
are not exactly done, but from now 'till X-Day, I, Stang must travel back and forth between the Cleveland Heights MegaFisTemple and the Stang Ranch in Texas... but I wanted to make this fascinating material available enough for others (mainly Rev. Jarto, so far, with Gov. Rocknar) to starting helping tweak them, which has started happening. Until they are fully edited, some are still raw archives of the GOOD stuff that went onto our Usenet newsgroups, alt.slack and alt.binaries.slack, during the last 9 months or so. The recent non-peaceful world events are covered from, truly, EVERY angle.
This new material comprises 180 megabytes of color art and similarly vivid text. That's... a LOT. It also COSTS us a lot to make these treasures available to the 90% of SubGenii who are too lazy to mess with Usenet newsgroups. Therefore, even if you have NO EYES OR EARS, you should BUY something brain-cleaving from our newly pumped up catalog of SubGenius Media.
6X-Day pages installed -- not much time left before the End! You might SERIOUSLY THINK about attending one of these events before the world really does end or They crack down.
COMPLETELY ASTOUNDING (OLD)
If you hadn't already heard, DON'T FREAK OUT -- but The SubGenius‚Ñ¢ Foundation PO Box for mail order business CHANGED LAST YEAR. Business Managers Jesus and Magdalen moved THE ENTIRE CHURCH BUSINESS NERVE CENTER from benighted Dallas to the somewhat less Pink city of Austin, Texas. The new business address is:
THE SUBGENIUS‚Ñ¢ FOUNDATION, INC
PO BOX 204206
Austin, TX 78720-4206
Buy ads here! Click HERE and buy ad space for your own weird cause.
Help save our nice clean faith-based religion from having to display these horrible porno banner ads
-- by selling your own insane religion or product!!!
ADULTS ONLY: earn the Church $ per click by checking out these two SPECIALTY PORN SITES:
DO YOUR PART FOR DECENCY!
KEEP THIS SICK PORNO BANNER OFF OUR HOLY RELIGIOUS WEBSITE for only $200/month!
Or rent your own ad space to replace it. Write to email@example.com for details.
Ideally, we'd have a porno banner next to a 700 Club banners next to a Greenpeace ad on top of an NRA ad, a vodka ad with a MADD link, etc.
we mentioned QUIJIBO, the greatest SubGenius‚Ñ¢ zine? (Yes, an actual
PRINTED zine, like in the old days!) Send $5 to 18 W. Main, Greenfield IN 46140. Model: Barbie Geddyn)
If you're new to the Church, OR, if you've simply never DARED TRY IT BEFORE, some of the craziest and most SLACK-IMPARTING SubGenius‚Ñ¢ activity occurs nonstop on the two newsgroups, alt.slack (all text) and alt.binaries.slack (pics, audio, animation). Many new Internet users know only email and websites, and have shunned the unfettered world of newsgroups on Usenet mainly because they look like crap on browsers like Explorer, and sometimes you can't view all the killer pictures and movies without downloading a special free program. Actually, at download.com it's easy to find one of the fine free newsreader programs for Windowss such as Forte Agent, or for Macs such as Thoth. I am not here to be your Internet instruction book, but, I'm telling you, the newsgroups are where it's happening. Some folks say they "can't get" alt.binaries.slack, but if you ask your ISP's support person, it can easily be added. Or do like us Old Timers, and use a cheap ($6/mo) newsgroup specialty service like Giganews or Newsguy. I'm not trying to sell you on any specific services, but I do strongly believe that while the World Wide Web is swiftly being licensed and controlled, the world of Usenet newsgroups is still a fairly unregulated free-for-all, slippery and Slack-laden.
Alt.slack has been particularly exciting lately, as a record number of non-SubGenius kooks have been desperately trying to convert or at least deprogram us. They are frequently funnier than we are, without meaning to be. OLD alt.slack stuff is archived in the online Stark Fists, but it's a lot more fun to follow current running gags and battles.
When the STARK FIST related stuff is done, I'll try to do some revisions to ARISE and get it onto DVD. We were donated a DVD BURNER, ALL PRAISE BE TO THE GRIPTION CLENCH of NORTH CAROLINA!!
OLDISH: During the war, which needless to say I consider to be the worst kind of trick on humans by the latest model False Prophets, I became worried about people getting killed -- especially SubGenius‚Ñ¢ soldiers. Silly me. I know that, as a Good SubGenius‚Ñ¢, I should be happy to see humans, ANY humans, be prematurely "X-Day-ed," but hey, call me a backslider. I posted this essay here: BACK to "NORMAL" -- latest vain ruminations on the war . It got me hate mail from dumbasses who felt sure I was a dumbass who had fallen hook, line, and sinker for the bullshit of the Oiligarchy. Perhaps they have not been dutifully listening to The Hour of Slack, or following the rather detailed discussions on the SubGenius‚Ñ¢ newsgroups, and jumped to knee-jerk preprogrammed conclusions based on either my hurried signifying or the belief that things are simple. Perhaps I AM a dumbass.. In any event, it was a case of all of us, except for the COMBATANTS and the SLAUGHTERED INNOCENTS, sitting on our asses doing a lot of TALKING and bitching based mostly on hogwash and propaganda from every side. Which was my intended point in that particular rant.
But, far more important than trivial arguments between bipedal Earth-tribes that might destroy all civilization as we know it, WE HAVE BEEN MAKING SUBGENIUS‚Ñ¢ DVDs and other media. SEE THE DETAILS HERE in an old report sent to alt.slack.
(Notice a slight change in our standard punctuation on this site?)
You may have noticed that this site hasn't grown much since Xistlessnessmas. Actually it HAS, you just can't SEE it yet unless you've been watching alt.slack or alt.binaries.slack. I am trying to add online forums HERE so that Rev. David Bachner and me are not the only persons with enough web programming knowledge to shovel new material into the site. In the meantime, INCREDIBLE TROVES of that new material, current events art and commentary, are new every day on alt.slack and alt.binaries.slack, and weekly on The Hour of Slack.
PREVIOUS NEWS: We were doing Church and Yeti family reunions in San Francisco and North Texas, and then sick with the Conspiracy Flu, for a whole month. We managed to pack a lot of Slack into it nonetheless, as covered in these two new special sections:
ONLINE SUBGENIUS STORE CATALOG. APPROXIMATELY 500 NEW "BOB" PRODUCTS. Not only the Cafe Press side, but Bulldada Time Control Laboratories (formerly Connivin' Ivan's) has been revamped, with entire new categories and many new products added, from the 7 Bladed Windbreaker to an ancient flexidisk. You might want to look at this gigantic catalog addition, even if you are penniless. The captions and concepts alone are the equivalent of a whole new SubGenius book.
OLD ATOM FUNWAY
SECTIONS added to
HUGE NEW ART & VIDEO GALLERY, Art
Mines Tunnel 18
There are sections of OLD SubSITE art mines which got closed off when we changed servers years ago, sections which MANY volunteers have promised to help re-open... just before vanishing forever. A discussion on alt.binaries.slack of SubGenius Tarot Cards and Trading Cards prompted me to stop waiting for help. and to go ahead and re-open the most incredible of all the ancient wonders of the world, ATOM FUNWAYS HUNDREDS OF CLASSIC SUBGENIUS ARTWORKS from around 1996. I will get to the other lost sections as time allows.
The ART MINES TUNNEL 18 itself includes 6 months' worth of eye-watering computer graphics, crazed SubGenius portraits, dozens of bizarre Flash videos and games, and other seriously pleasurable gateways to the Old Ones. Not for kids, and you might ought to take your heart medicine first. Part of October's NEW ONLINE STARK FIST. NEWLY RE-REVISED LAYOUT BY EDFRED.
ART MINES GALLERY 15 just got a layout revision from Rev. J. Cobblestone!
Recently we received this letter from someone whose name I don't recognize at all:
I remember the Stark Fist of Removal I read in 1984, compact, tight, and a literary masterpiece. It's time for Stark Fist 2, written on a goddamn IBM Selectric. If I see another dumbshit web site built with a 29 dollar modem I'm gonna puke on my cat.
Well, Li'l Hoser, CLUTCH YOUR KITTY, 'cause you'll PUKE when you see:
IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE
ARTWORK IN IT!!!
(Aside from the link to Art Mines Tunnel 18, which contines hundreds of
incredible artworks, videos and games.) But it does have an "explanation"
and even gives YOU a way to BE A PART of this GRAND ENDEAVOR!
HALLOWEEN SCARY-FACE PICTURE PAGE from THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, from the scary artists at alt.binaries.slack! Mask ideas a-gore.
"GET RID OF THOSE AWFUL PORNO LINKS ON SUBSITE," you say! "They scared the bejesus out of my mom!" Well, these pornographers, unlike YOU, HELP PAY FOR OUR WEBSITE. You can BEAT THEM OFF by SIMPLY buying one or two SubGenius products every now and then. There's always "SOMETHING NEW TO BUY FOR" -- actual buyable new holy Dobbs products at the (newly re--renamed) BULLDADA TIME CONTROL LABS online store, not to mention the CAFE PRESS SUBGENIUS STORE.
GET WITH THE END TIMES!! -- and READ ALL ABOUT the NEW 1982 SubGenius classic, MEDIA BARRAGE 5: "BOB" ATTACK. Then BUY this CD remaster. It's true that we do embroider the truth now and then, but this really is a bite off the SubGenius apple from when it was at its most ripe and poisonous and belongs in every SubGenius tape/CD library.
Then read up on how you can get 24 HOURS OF PURE SLACK by THINKING GLOBULARLY and ACTING LOCO with "HOUR OF SLACK on MP3," Volumes 7 and 8.
Finally, now that we've removed the FREE DOWNLOADS of everything recorded at the fantastic 5X-Day Drill (see NEWLY REVISED PRIZE-WINNING PAGE BY ST. MYKAL D'ARCHANGEL), we SELL it all in MP3 on ONE CD that you download through the POST OFFICE.
NEW VIDEO FINISHED!! CLICK HERE to see about buying DOBBSFILM SHORTIES! (in VHS) or:
FREE! If you have ANY kind of video player in your computer, CLICK HERE for the recently revised, but swiftly changing, SUBGENIUS STEAMIN', STREAMIN' VIDEO DINGLEBERRIES #7 -- now ALIVE, and recently revised so the links are easier to understand, thanks to Rev. Prostata Contata's generous serverosity.
You'll find several sections, each representing different movie file formats. If something doesn't work, try the next one. Whether they "stream" and play instantly, or just download for play later, will depend on your equipment. Mac users should try the MOV (Quicktime) ones first, Windows users who can't play Quicktime should go to the AVIs or the MPEGs There's also a new stash of some ancient Stangian underground movies such as the porno claymation film "Reproduction Cycle".
THE SAUCERS were LATE AGAIN! -- either that, or The Conspiracy has been monkeying with the calendars for centuries. So our seventh Brushwood adventure turned out to be just another Drill... but, drilling for the End of the World is a lot more fun than no End of the World at all. In fact, it's so damn much fun, and some of us have gotten so good at building our own Escape Vessels, that the Drills ALONE are ALMOST GOOD ENOUGH. If only we could just get the DRILLS THEMSELVES to last FOREVER, hell, we wouldn't even NEED the gods, aliens and monsters! BUT, WE'D STILL NEED "BOB." You're either on the saucers or you're off the saucers... but you ain't goin' NOWHERE without that man J.R. "Bob" Dobbs!!
X-Day is a GREAT Day -- a great EX-cuse Day! FOR DAMN NEAR ANYTHING.
Although the zombies and I are still finishing up the new Online Stark Fist, the big X-Day last-minute oozsquirt of activity resulted in several HOLY NEW PRODUCTS which ARE FINALLY NOW AVAILABLE from CONNIVIN' IVAN'S MEDIA SHACK!! These new CDs, CDRs and videos SOLD OUT at XDV, but we're back in stock and preppy to pack your pews with the Power of Dobbs. Our VIDEOS on CD-R! Songs of X-Day! Bobsongs 4! The 4X-Day CD and the 6-hour MP3 set!! HOURS OF SLACK on MP3 Volumes 5 and 6! !
I ACTUALLY ADDED A WHOLE BUNCH OF NEW LINKS TO OUR LONG LOST WEB LINKS PAGE!! And I suspect we could use a new volunteer to handle that potentially VOLATILE and EXCITING page. At any rate, the new links should keep the lazy SubGenius VERY BUSY for awhile.
By chance, the Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper picked X-Day-E'en to run a story about our own Prof. Chas Smith, maestro of Einstein's Secret Orchestra and ESO Radio, which mentions the Brushwood X-day cult-in in odd terms. Here's the article in the Plain Dealer.
CHURCH NEEDS RICH INVESTORS!
For real. We have a secret business plan. A REAL one. If you are dead serious about investing in our new Church spin-off, and/or know of unusually daring venture capitalists, EMAIL JESUS. Talk about "getting in on the ground floor of a lucrative new cult"...
For most current, up to the nanosecond Church news, don't
forget the newsgroups alt.slack and alt.binaries.slack. HINT: If your local ISP doesn't carry
alt.binaries.slack among its newsgroups, write to "support" @ your
ISP and request it. (In AOL, use "expert add").
Dec.22, 2001: GIANT OLD STARK FIST OF REMOVAL!
Your MERRY XISTMAS pages and CHEESY FREE GIFTS!
tiny, bucky Nano-Onans are having a ball building experimental new
"molecular machines" which will ultimately "learn" to
replicate themselves --while spreading Dobbsheads and SubAds of varying sizes
across various Earthian surfaces, so long as such surfaces exist! We call this
PROJECT "ICE-NANO". We're pretty sure that there's nothing that could
go wrong with it.
CHURCH NEEDS USED COMPUTER GEAR!
NEEDED: MORE CD-RW or DVD-RAM burners!! (Firewire or USB).
AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT UPGRADE MONEY TO COME OUT OF "BOB'S" POCKET, DO YOU??? Are you SO CHEAP that you would thus STEAL BRAZENLY from "BOB," by NOT mailing me your spare equipment and hundred dollar bills lying around, when you COULD?!? Who are you gonna give that crap to, your local charity, or your OWN kids, or YOURSELF?? Do you let THEM come before "BOB" in your life??
I didn't think so. I'll be expecting that delivery at STANG, PO Box 181417, Cleveland OH 44118 BY NEXT WEEK. Thanks. While you think about it, listen to this in RealAudio: I AM A SUBGENIUS (sung by Dr. Onan Canobite)... and DO THE RIGHT THING.
THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL 32 page printed zine has been FINISHED by guest editor St. Chris Li, of QUIJIBO fame, and will be printed and mailed to members the SECOND we have the necessary $2000. Which is why ALL SUBGENIUS FANATICS need to IMMEDIATELY LAY INTO "BOB" WITH ALL THEIR MIGHT, checkbook-wise, and BUY these BRAND NEW PRODUCTS THAT WE OURSELVES CAN MANUFACTURE IN THE CHURCH RUMPUS ROOM, AND DON'T HAVE TO PAY ANY CONSPIRACY PUBLISHERS, DISTRIBUTORS, MIDDLEMEN OR FACTORIES TO HELP CREATE:
To JUST PLAIN FLAT OUT DONATE $$ TO THE CHURCH is really the smartest thing you can do at this point. Watch the news for 5 minutes if you doubt that.
UltraNunSnake Nickie Deathchick and St. Andreux have made
it EASY -- CLICK
HERE TO GET RIGHT WITH "BOB"
or http://magdalen.walkingdead.net/donate.htm (while you're at it, check Magdalen's webcam at http://magdalen.walkingdead.net/subcam and see if she's walking around the house nekkid!
(Webcams are the latest "thing" in SubGeniusDum; they're ALL visible all the time at St. andreux's http://www.jehovahatesphred.com/subgcam
Meanwhile, here is "BOB'S" WEBCAM!!
And my webcam!
Dear Friends, I, Stang, GOT
MARRIED May 27, to the Queen of ALL the UFOs,
Princess Wei "R." Doe.
I still can't believe it. I also can't believe the new SUBGENIUS HOUSE! We've finished "Building Our Own Amsterdam" in a better part of town. The Bombies, ZomBies, monkeys and me transported THE WHOLE DAMN CLEVELAND BRANCH OFFICE/ARCHIVE (and the living barracks, AND the pyramid, AND the tombs) into a NEW OLD CRUMBLING MANOR-HOUSE, renovating certain parts of it as we went along. This effort, and the wedding, and the housewarming party, have stalled out this website UNTIL NOW!
DOBBS ALLOWS JESUS TO RELEASE NEW CHURCH
-- SCARIER THAN THE DOBBSHEAD ITSELF! SEE IT -- AND TAKE UP THIS NEW BANNER! LET THE WORLD BE COVERED IN THE NEW DOBBSHEAD ICON!
NEW CHURCH ICON -- ASCI text-only version!
MEMBERSHIPS with the NEW IMPROVED MEMBERSHIP PACK!!
SAVE YOUR RELATIVES AGAINST THEIR WILLS!
Sure, YOU'RE saved, with a bunk and infinite bunkmates of your choice on the Sex Spaceships of Succor, but what of your hateful old Aunt Bertha in Dubuque? Wouldn't it make YOU happy to know that one day soon she would get in the mail something that to her would seem SO HEINOUS that she MIGHT keel over right then and there of a heart attack -- namely, a SUBGENIUS MEMBERSHIP PACK?
And -- WORSE -- did you know that, like the Mormons, our religion offers RETROACTIVE SALVATION? If you always regretted that good ol' Gramps, your ONLY decent relative, died before you got a chance to share the word of "Bob" with him, NOW YOU CAN MAKE ATONEMENT FOR HIS SIN! Buy Gramps a RETROACTIVE SubGenius Ministership and FistScription.
Hell, BUY YOURSELF A NEW MEMBERSHIP PACK! Have you seen their NEW FORM? For one thing, they now include UNQUESTIONABLY LEGAL MINISTERIAL ORDINATION MATERIALS above and beyond your ordainment as a SubGenius; you're also an ordained minister in the UNIVERSAL LIFE CHURCH, a much better established step-cousin on "Bob's" sister's side. Also, Memb-packs now come in their own specially made folder, with much spiffier versions of all the standard Important Church Documents, and some of it's EVEN IN COLOR!
3. Rise up in the ranks to near-Hierarchy heights by becoming an ACTIVE MEMBER -- and get the incredible SUBGENIUS MINISTER GOLD CARD! Choose the level at which you want a DONATION TO THE CHURCH REGULARLY TAKEN FROM YOUR CREDIT CARD ACCOUNT!
4. JUST PLAIN DONATE!!! GIVE "BOB" FREE MONEY -- FOR NOTHING!!! The "SOMETHING" that you'll get in return will be... immeasurable. That's http://www.jehovahatesphred.com/donation/index.cfm
2 COMIC BOOKS!
HOTEL "BOB" by nu-monet
"The Last SubGenius Generation" by Gov. Rocknar
SEE ALT.SLACK on USENET
for the LATEST latest. And
don't just LURK! Lurkers are GHOSTS.
Most of the written material in this website originates on the newsgroup alt.slack, and the artwork often appears first on alt.binaries.slack.
-- don't be discouraged if alt.slack seems utterly chaotic to you at first. It
IS utterly chaotic, and I have no idea how anybody finds time to read it all.
But amidst all the trash is a lot of excellent writing and truly bizarre
A newsgroup is a very different animal from a website. In the case of alt.slack, it's like a big "family," with all the attendant fights, brawls and inside jokes. As you lurk there you'll start to identify the "regulars," and sort out those whose posts you like to read and which ones you can generally skip over. While this website is ruled with iron hand and vaseline-filled velvet glove by yours truly, Rev. Ivan Stang, alt.slack is governed only at the whim of J. R. "Bob" Dobbs himself -- which is about as anarchic as you can get.
In September '99, I, Stang MOVED TO CLEVELAND. The Church HQ is still in Texas, and so is Jesus, but I'm running my end by remote control here at the spaceport. You can READ ALL ABOUT IT and my NEW ADDRESS and even take a visual tour of the new Palace... for that matter, you can read every damn thing I've posted to alt.slack about anything, up until this very instant.
MY NEW EMAIL IS STANG@SUBGENIUS.COM. Discount all other email links to me that you might see in this website, until I fix 'em. (Discard "firstname.lastname@example.org" and "email@example.com"). The new FAX number for ME AND Church HQ is 216-320-9528.
This does not affect Church biz at all. Jesus is still running the business biz at The SubGenius Foundation, PO Box 204206, Austin TX 78720.
BOBCO SYMBOL FONT SET FROM ATOM FUNWAY! HUNDREDS of pictos, hieroglyphs, Dobbsheads, as seen all over our site n' shite!
See here for the 3 other BobCo font sets! ALL WILDLY DIFFERENT!
REAL AUDIO NEWS FLASH!! REV. SUSIE
THE FLOOZY and LYMPH NODE INSTITUTE's "BOB's" SLACKTIME FUNHOUSE (and
Hour of Slack) are now on RealAudio at WREK's SITE! HAIL CONNIE!
Saturdays at MIDNIGHT! GO GO GO!
Puzzling Evidence Show Now Live via RealAudio ! FINALLY! Famous SubGenius Dr. Howll on the INTERNET, LIVE! (At 4 am on Thursdays... see details.)
And!! MOST ACCESSIBLE OF ALL -- at 11 p.m. EST on Thursday nights, tune in to EINSTEIN'S SECRET ORCHESTRA Swamp Radio -- the FINEST in Radio-Church MADNESS and MUSIC, with Hour of Slack co-conspirators Lonesome Cowboy Dave, Rev. Bleepo Abernathy, Rev. Ivan Stang, Princess Wei R. Doe, IrRev. Friday Jones, CANTOR CHAS SMITH -- and YOU!! (Call in live!)!
MAIN SubGenius IRC Channel: #subgenius on irc.fef.net
THIS "UPDATES" PAGE has been being updated for several years now, and the previous layers of it form an almost geological history of SubSITE (though not of the Church itself, which has been public since 1980). The older Updates pages also form a loose "secondary index" of this gigantic website and an excellent pointer to the real highlights.